Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry003

– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.

Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.

Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.

– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?

– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.

Self

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Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry002

– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry001

I might stab them to death if they are disrespectful towards my twin flame. i might get beaten up but i do not care as long as i find a way to turn their bowels out… And i will. It’s gonna stink and may make me puke down their throats. Swallow it now, pig. Don’t fuck with my twin flame again, try and be flirty with her now, look at you, a breathless corpse, so much waste. All this scenery is just disgusting. It stinks like Hell. She just stood there disgusted by what i did. I felt bad because she felt sorry for the guy. She should not have those feelings of pity for him. Only I deserve her empathy. But then i have no control of any thing. Even if i just took this filthy mouth’s life, it was all written before. I have only made my entry to Hell more certain.

A step closer to Hell is a step away from eternal rest.

My Deviant Self.

Deeper than 60 feet: A Self Burial Confession

I do not want to wake up any time soon.
If only i slept and never had to wake up.

Getting out of my cell is getting harder each day to the point i started thinking about taking a vacation. A vacation so i wont have to leave the door of my apartment. A vacation so i wont have to walk by other humans. A vacation so i wont have to say hi and shake people’s hands at work. A vacation so i wont have to feel like there is another way of being. That is being outside. Outside means there is no wall to limit your entourage. Outside means the possibility of having to see or be seen by other humans.

Humans.

There are a lot of them. millions and more. And somehow they manage to say I. I just cannot figure out how this is possible. This multitude of beings. Sometimes i think it is just an illusion.

Life outside my skull does not exist.

I am usually confused when it comes to social exposure. I guess that is why my intimate relationships have affected me in a very deep way. I have let it happen because i wanted to know how much i can endure. How much suffering i could take. Somehow inside, i told myself: Do not worry we will survive it. I do not know exactly how but we will. We will find a way. We will make it through.

I find it very strange that life exists elsewhere than in me.

I just can not get in touch with the idea of family. I cannot imagine myself being a father. Telling my son or daughter that your life is not really related to me. To tell them that the concept of creation even if it seems biological it is not. To tell them that i am somehow, not responsible for the ache they experience and will experience. I cannot imagine that my son or daughter telling me, why did you bring me to life, what is this thing called life ? and then i would just stare at them and hate myself more. They will see that their own father is immature and does not have an answer to their existential crisis. I might tell them about my family’s belief. But then faith is hard work. It takes somehow a sane person to work on it. It is just another thing, another hard thing in this life. To believe.

Darkness.

I still remember. One of the very unique experiences i have had. I was sitting with someone. And somehow while talking i felt a very dark void, a very faithless mind state. I felt like together i would not have the power to overcome such a negative state of mind. It felt like a black hole was inside me and that i was about to implode. It was so hard to tell myself it is okay. Even if the future seems so dark right now, we will make it. i did not know how, but i told myself i ll do my best. I was lucky she did not ask me that question. I am sure if she did she would feel how desperate i was in that moment. It was a one of a kind dark inner experience for me. Now i tell myself if ever i was so close to someone, i have to avoid bringing those dark conversations. Opening to each other and telling her stuff i do not recall i told someone face to face before was just so draining. I never thought it would suck all my energy without feeling it would in the first place.

It hides under skin and waits and waits, for the perfect timing to crush you. To crush you down till there is nothing much left of you.

I just thought, after, even if i think i have experience with all these years on this planet, darkness never ends. And it never fades. Even if i have witnessed death a couple of times, the experience of darkness will grow to a point you wont be able to deal with it.

Darkness when alone makes you lose your breath. Darkness together annihilate all dreams and any hope of goodness. It grows and grows. It just grows and suffocates any particle of light.

That is all there is to it.

To dust.

Burry me deep. Deeper and deeper. Burry me deeper than 60 feet. Burry me very deep because i do not want to wake up any time soon.

Self.