A Play: The Closed Room

Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains

 

God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?

I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …

If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…

 

Act I

– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?

 

Act II

This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.

Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…

The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…

It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?

 

Act III

– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.

I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.

I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.

– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.

Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane

They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.

 

Self

Advertisements

Self Destruction Awareness

Sometimes i feel not pleased how human principles have been altered by social misconceptions and by pop culture from the media, while praying for our current social conditions to be enlightened i would like to point out something i have noticed in my social environment.

Self destruction on both the mind level and the carnal embodiment. Why harm the self by diving into negativity, or lack of self awareness, and simultaneously within an inner dialogue, revolt against any healing process with an air of arrogance or indifference.

A person’s health is one of the natural treasures to be thought about. So please, before getting yourself addicted to any chemical substance, or what i think to be the most dangerous one, getting addicted to any negative way of thinking, please, think deeply.

To put it in other words, beware that both of the human mind and the biological body are very vulnerable to addictions during times of hardship or mental struggle.

 

Self

Flirting With The Horned Being

– Shall we begin ?
– Life is a fragile thing
– Says who?
– Says Death…
– Ending a life does not mean ending its existence. For where it ends it starts elsewhere.
– See, i am concerned with what happens after.
– I have never thought you were the kind who worries that much. It’s really bad for the business.
– Now you call it a business. i guess you are right after all. Making us think we have our fate at hand, making us believe we created ourselves thus we choose to end it by our own hands, is indeed your business.
– Why are you cocky all of a sudden. You know i am the only one who has that privilege. This conversation begins to tap on my nerves.
– I am sure it does. It is just that I am not a big fan of suffering.
– Does it make a difference, to suffer here of after, does it even matter how much pain you ll feel. Hey, listen, long story short, you don’t like your stay here, i am helping you making it shorter.
– You just enjoy our downfall.
– Don’t you think i am doomed. Don’t you think my story is sad and worth fighting for or at least being told and told over the past, the present and future?
– Even if that means eternal suffering ?
– Not only that, you ll have that enchanting pleasure. You ll ascend to the stars before you fall.
– Shall we begin then?

Self

Third Skin

What should i do of my becoming
For all i bring is sorrow and misery

I am the dream destroyer
I walk with you and spit on your hopes
I hold your hand and step on your heart

I am the dream destroyer
I praise torture and bestow disgust

I spread my wings and float upon you
I sharpen my claws and tear you apart
I whip out my tail and shove it down your throat

I greet you with death
And leave you to dust

Self.

P.S.: The D.D. resides within…

Whispers of Evil

Give me a blade and i ll slay the scum off the earth
Give me a spear and i ll wipe out the filth off the planet

When ignorance and rudeness are spread say my name and have no worry

Summon me and you ll see no lower being
Call me by my name and only the chosen will survive

My wrath will cleanse the grounds and seas
My forthcoming birth will be the ultimate prophecy

A day of purge it ll be
I ll unleash my servants, and together we ll rise

A day of purge it ll be
No one should reign but me
No one should say I but me

Say my name and have no worry
For i am who i ll be, and for i am what i was
Before Dawn or After sunset I ll set you free

Get closer and you ll see
Get closer and i promise, i ll set you free

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry003

– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.

Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.

Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.

– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?

– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.

Self

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry002

– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.

Self.