I do not matter in this universe – Entry001

Letting aside the physical or rather the scientific nature of such statement, which is related to the four dimensions – we are so small in a vast universe and our life time is so short compared to the cosmic light distances.

I do not matter emotionally as well in a personal level that is to say.

I have done every thing in my power to present my interest and care for females i liked but at the end of the day or even at the end of that shared moment with the person, there was nothing. Thus i do not matter.

This story, my story is a story of pity and lack of might indeed. For such a person like me, from a very younger age my reason to live was very much linked to the delusions of romance. I have seen every other person somehow successful if we could say in this approach and others did not really care about such a view of life. Thus i felt very lonely.

I did every thing, i took every step towards the other, but nothing was in the outcome of such attempts.

I would only see myself, not rejected but rather invisible, i did not matter and i could feel that females who met me in this shared world would feel some kind of deception, somehow i felt like they met me by mistake and they would do any trick possible to just throw me away or step on me.

I am nothing.

Others have took advantage of my wealth and care and just blocked me after they have used of my kindness. My interest in them was not free and somehow i was not conscious of it till the moment of detachment. Somehow i have always waited for something in return. I guess my case is no different than people having a care giving personality.

I do not matter in this lifetime. I am no one. I am nothing.

Why do you still breath ? why do you still take the pain to wake up every day if there is no one for you ?

Self.

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The Gap

Side note: To be edited later for the following reasons. An important idea or ideas may be missing or unclear. Elaboration or connection of ideas that could have been stronger.

There is this gap that exists in between two ways of lives. The solitary can choose to live away from personal encounters yet have the obligation to experience other kind of encounters where the self does not unfold completely neither partially. For instance, talking to a taxi driver, the store owner, a co-worker, a neighbor or any other casual social encounter that happens randomly. The solitary may have chosen this way of life away from further personal involvement because of many reasons. I can only stress mine here. Some kind of self defense against an imaginary threat. Mostly under the form of a negative foretelling or just raw paranoia. So to live away from real interaction with a personal selection might have a serious and even a tremendous effect on the self and its psychological development since we are talking here about an unconscious growth over the years. The amount of time the self has been left to itself exceeds in a greater length the amount of social exposure to a certain personal selection. The danger behind this duality of exposure, is that the more time you are only exposed to your self the more you change. The solitary in our modern age and if interested in the miracle of the internet cannot live without having a sneak-peek every now and then on the life of others through social media. The danger of this kind of asocial life is the growth and the deviant development i have mentioned before. The dreamer or thinker may develop a more selfish side, a more harsh judging side, discrimination of other ways of life, a perverse side, a misanthropic side, coupled with very high alterations in self esteem, and even nurturing a darker deviance since the online world is room to many very creative and troubling communities from humiliation to torture, from gore to self harm, or any other non dignifying take on the human way of life. A brainwashing of the solitary has been taking place from the beginning of this breach into space that is the online world. You can access anything and interact with anyone. space does not count anymore and the danger is the belief of choice. After many years you ll discover a total alienation of your first self that keeps lurking in the shadows. My aim in writing this is to warn the dreamer – that lives away from healthy social relationships – from the breaking of the integrity of the self. You become the sum of many sides. Even darker and evil ones. Somehow a calm and peaceful setting with personal selection face to face, shoulder next to shoulder, might lift all the weight and uneasiness that was carried along the so many days the solitary has spent away without any kind of emotional regulation nor a healthy rational.

Self.

A living projection of Anima

Our journey changes and it changes us every day. One day, two people may have come to the closest point that they would ever be to each other. And by then, depending on the trajectory that one takes (or both) the distance will grow and grow till it tears them apart. Till they become strangers the same way they were before. That is a physical astrological phenomenon in the cosmos, and by projection, within the human nature as well.

In memory.

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry003

– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.

Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.

Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.

– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?

– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.

Self

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry002

– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry001

I might stab them to death if they are disrespectful towards my twin flame. i might get beaten up but i do not care as long as i find a way to turn their bowels out… And i will. It’s gonna stink and may make me puke down their throats. Swallow it now, pig. Don’t fuck with my twin flame again, try and be flirty with her now, look at you, a breathless corpse, so much waste. All this scenery is just disgusting. It stinks like Hell. She just stood there disgusted by what i did. I felt bad because she felt sorry for the guy. She should not have those feelings of pity for him. Only I deserve her empathy. But then i have no control of any thing. Even if i just took this filthy mouth’s life, it was all written before. I have only made my entry to Hell more certain.

A step closer to Hell is a step away from eternal rest.

My Deviant Self.

THE SUICIDAL CHAPTERS – CH.I

CHAPTER I – A Suffocating pork under water

While lying down on my tomb, I thought I have heard something,

“The boy who never lived comes to die”,

“I am going to die with or without her”. The child shouted to the man who got no hair on his head, a snake figure was seen over his showing skull. The man wearing a black cloak couldn’t be seen by others, but still got a very strong hold on the child.

Childhood was a period in my life that somehow defines who I am in the core of my self. I was so scared of demons, and always frightened to my bones when the night comes. Less than twenty years after, I will witness my first apparition inside a house that is told to be haunted on a very far away land, lands of my ancestors. Ten years later, paranormal experiences have proven to be very rare but not with a lesser influence. The last one was in the end of 2015. I am seeing demonic or altered human faces the moment I put myself on the pillow, followed by loud auditory hallucinations, laughs and hearing a very weird language, but with a strong spelling filled with a very frightening emotion. These recent paranormal experiences did not start randomly. They were for a couple of weeks, the very last weeks of 2015. Panic attacks were sitting just under my skin, I fought them with all what I have got left of inner strength. However each time I met her, the night after I would feel a very powerful dark energy. I somehow expected that to happen, not before, but the right moment I felt that dark energy I got a clue on its possibility. The first night was unique, because the dream was not a silent one, I have heard a very powerful drum beat, tribal drum beats we usually hear before a ritualistic sacrifice. While I was given the choice to stay or continue the dream, I was representing the projection of my own self. The more I stayed in there, the more the symphony of the beats changed to become more and more dark and scary. Here he comes, puts her on the ground, hold his knife and points it violently around her submissive body, she can’t move, now he hold the knife in the air, looks at me, and yells like someone who got himself into a frenzy, in that right moment, I felt a terrible fear, a near death fear, he is going to kill her and himself after, I have received a very life threatening and traumatic signal, I still had the choice to keep watching but I forced myself to wake up.

The child – while the man with the snake figure was surprised – used his bare hands to strangle the pork under water, squeals of that filthy beast were terrifying, but not to the child, he still got his grip on the pork, until no sound was heard. The man with the dark cloak did not like the scenery; the child is now staring at him with a deadly stare.

“You are in the presence of the dark lord, never raise those eyes on me, or I will disgrace your soul” I don’t see him no more; He just disappeared out of the blue.

As I looked for him in the forest, I have found a lake, I can see a strange pale kid, all covered in blood, he is in the middle of the water, and in his right hand, a pork’s head. I asked him, how did you manage to slice the throat of that giant pork, how did you manage to win over him with only your bare hands, he starred at me with the same anger he got a while ago in the presence of the snake, and repeated,

“I am willing to die with or without her”.

To be continued.

Self.

Published on my FB: Sunday, 28 February 2016