Side note: To be edited later for the following reasons. An important idea or ideas may be missing or unclear. Elaboration or connection of ideas that could have been stronger.
There is this gap that exists in between two ways of lives. The solitary can choose to live away from personal encounters yet have the obligation to experience other kind of encounters where the self does not unfold completely neither partially. For instance, talking to a taxi driver, the store owner, a co-worker, a neighbor or any other casual social encounter that happens randomly. The solitary may have chosen this way of life away from further personal involvement because of many reasons. I can only stress mine here. Some kind of self defense against an imaginary threat. Mostly under the form of a negative foretelling or just raw paranoia. So to live away from real interaction with a personal selection might have a serious and even a tremendous effect on the self and its psychological development since we are talking here about an unconscious growth over the years. The amount of time the self has been left to itself exceeds in a greater length the amount of social exposure to a certain personal selection. The danger behind this duality of exposure, is that the more time you are only exposed to your self the more you change. The solitary in our modern age and if interested in the miracle of the internet cannot live without having a sneak-peek every now and then on the life of others through social media. The danger of this kind of asocial life is the growth and the deviant development i have mentioned before. The dreamer or thinker may develop a more selfish side, a more harsh judging side, discrimination of other ways of life, a perverse side, a misanthropic side, coupled with very high alterations in self esteem, and even nurturing a darker deviance since the online world is room to many very creative and troubling communities from humiliation to torture, from gore to self harm, or any other non dignifying take on the human way of life. A brainwashing of the solitary has been taking place from the beginning of this breach into space that is the online world. You can access anything and interact with anyone. space does not count anymore and the danger is the belief of choice. After many years you ll discover a total alienation of your first self that keeps lurking in the shadows. My aim in writing this is to warn the dreamer – that lives away from healthy social relationships – from the breaking of the integrity of the self. You become the sum of many sides. Even darker and evil ones. Somehow a calm and peaceful setting with personal selection face to face, shoulder next to shoulder, might lift all the weight and uneasiness that was carried along the so many days the solitary has spent away without any kind of emotional regulation nor a healthy rational.
Sometimes our subconscious gets flourished by new experiences, however time can be a crucial factor that may prove the contrary. the contrary here is related to the extent to which good energy is affecting the mind, in other words, hope and faith in a more enjoyable occurrence of the new experience. But still, the contrary may not be real, because one should go back in time and dive more deep in the self, trying to look for the reason behind such an unexpected optimism. When i did, i have found that without being aware of it, the new experience was something that brought back a different kind of confidence, a confidence that was bruised, may be by lack of respect of outer anima. Moreover, the reason of such an abrupt perception swing, may be the noticeable difference between non-conscious dreams and reality. In contrast, one should acknowledge the possibility of perceiving reality as a good experience, thus, reaching a tranquil mind state.
I think there is a psychological barrier that stops me whenever i try to look into the frustrated child that resides within.
The earthly incarnation of the human being has similarities with the animal kingdom, under this context, motherhood is usually the caregiver for its offspring which satisfies the neediness within the infant. Furthermore, adulthood is supposed to be the next stage of human development, a detached self from motherhood or any projection of this natural concept, in witch the self represents the dominant source of emotional or psychological stability.
Having these thoughts in mind i still struggle to attain and go beyond metamorphosis. The transformation of the immature and needy child into a new born content adult. Free from emotional insecurities, more focused in positivity and with a strong determination and will to go forward.
Nevertheless, there is still this dark belief in desolation and constant attraction to hidden and various forms of self destruction. Unfortunately a dreadful temptation that never sleeps.
It did not take long till i got a glimpse on one of the structures of my self. An ancient self, but not older than my flesh container. I ve seen many of my shells that i thought once they were solid like steel. Unbreakable. I thought my root self was protected deep within. I am sure this has been the piling up of so many happenings over my journey on this planet. The way i have seen some of the deeper shells unfold was very concerning to me. There was nothing to stop it as i stood somewhere outside of my own being.
– Have you ever considered being fully of aware of your own unmaking?
Somehow it felt very strange to me but not that alienating as i thought it wld. That inner experience was similar to the following vision.
A closed room and a lost key or rather a key that has been sealed and never used. Its location remains unknown. You live year by year with the knowledge that no one has the key to that room. A room that contains all the pillars of your own consciousness. Imagine that somehow there was a place within you connected to an unknown place in the far away cosmos that gives you sight of anything that occurs inside or outside that room. Somehow you were transported there. Then your awareness in an instant just struck you with a sharp belief that the room is empty and therefore you can be unmade at any moment and by then compelled to submit.
You are now fully bewitched without the slightest will to resist.
Sir, you are invited to the kingdom of Hell. We will keep you updated with the following procedures. Do not waste this chance and know that you ll be generously rewarded.
I am on that weird border again. Where i can have a glimpse on the many selves i hold inside and most of them are still lurking in the dark. It feels like i am on a high cliff and about to fall into one of these personas. Who am i really… May be i was always myself but then i am becoming one of my fantasies. Slowly, and slowly getting attracted to identities which will not recognize me anymore. Off space… I am sure most of my social surrounding would not recognize these personalities, with whom i do my best and seize any opportunity to shorten their acquaintance. Only few to whom i tried to share most of my wonders may have a clue. I did not meet most of them within this shared physical realm and i cannot imagine it happening. Once, unconsciously, one of these personas got out, before i gave it permission, before analyzing it, it just got out and spoke and acted out of its own… It held so much energy and did not care for it felt so light weighted and content i assume to be out in the open. I do not regret it but i guess next time i ll have more control of it… I even did not ask to whom it showed itself. I am sure if that kind of intimate setting presented itself in a more sustainable manner i would explore more of my hidden and may be repressed set of identities. I ll be the judge of my other inner incarnations. I ll discipline and even take the best of each entity so i can unfold more of the shells pressuring my existence on this planet.
I may disappear after… Or lose memory of my first self. Who am i then, if i lose track of my story, the story that i tell myself each day i wake up and that i barely remember each time i do…