I am the Unworthy

Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.

I am in a difficult phase: Transition.

I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.

I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.

Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.

I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.

I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.

So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.

Alone.

I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.

I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.

I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.

Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.

So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.

As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…

So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.

Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.

The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…

I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but

I am the unworthy…

Self

Advertisements

Excerpts taken from my diary

[…] combined with a strong magick which i am vulnerable to: The aura or charm of some human spirits. The ectoplasm is leaking off their stare. From the way they levitate on Earth, i, often, find myself captured, and even, against my will, running toward such an abyss…

Something which holds the key to my destruction.

The gates of Eternal Fire are cracking…

The sound of chains and snakes is overwhelming.

Pain.

Suffering is what awaits such a tormented conscience.

Welcome to the Kingdom Of Hell.

Self

Three Decades on Earth

My flesh vessel has turned three decades today.

Sometimes i wonder about the holy mountain which will set me free from this existence. And sometimes i feel an ease as if everything is fine.

What did you learn living thirty years on this planet?

Plenty of mystery when you look deep into things… The cosmos.

Plenty of beauty in nature. A very peculiar design of little beings.

The human brain is a very unique host and machine of intelligence.

What can not be understood about human life remains after death and before birth.

What about your experience of intimacy?

He stayed silent … too long… If only the question was not brought forward…

Self

Lethal Brain Vomit

It is strange that a thing or a set of things like data is what stops me from seeing what is beyond what human beings call death. Data that questions the memory of things like who i am what i am what surrounds me what is this what is that. Knowledge is data as well but if the thinking machine does not exist itself what am i at this right moment?

Fear should be the possibility of things going wrong after i end my life. Things going wrong would be me suffering. I cannot afford suffering. It is an experience i cannot bear, physical suffering i mean. What is funny or ironic is a very small deal of suffering that is mental or that is the tiredness of going on living is what pushes me to end myself; Yet i am afraid of what is worst. So this problem should be solved in a simple formula that is do not kill yourself do not take the control of it. If it comes from illness or an accident that is not your will at the moment. So what i am left with is waiting. Waiting for death. It is sad though to be forced to wait for death.

What makes you wanna die?

After my father died i only see him in dreams, that is the making of the complex brain circuits inside my skull. He never shared with me the knowledge of what comes after death. What if such information was sent to me from the dead, i might believe it is fake or that some other entity is trying to fool me. I am stuck because true knowledge comes from experience. But experience of death or of ending my own life does not have a way back. Once you die you cannot come back to life. And if i did i will doubt my memory of the near death experience.

All i am left with is to kill myself without thinking through it. But Fear stops me. Fear has always been a mind control in my life.

It is sad. It is sad that my fear of God’s judgement, eternal suffering or the expectation of any other bad scenario would stop me from killing myself. Because i want to do it. I am selfish enough to not care about others but to take the step. But at the same time i am a coward for not being able to try. Some girls i have encountered in my life told me about their cutting experiences. I cannot imagine how they can do it. They must have balls of steel. I cannot even see my own blood pour from an artery. i am sure i would have a panic attack, cramps all over my body, and being left with only a very narrow vessel for air while suffering my body implosion.

So what am i left with? smoking? drinking? still it is a sad story, i do not like vomiting nor do i like the idea of cancer. Just a simple headache makes my life a living hell.

All these thoughts lead me to one answer, to kill myself quick, without further thought, and letting fear aside. May be to throw myself from a very high cliff embracing this mysterious and beautiful nature that the lord has made on this planet.

I am stuck. I want to spend the night sleepless but i have work tomorrow and i do not want to spend the day weak having trouble being active in this shared world.

A while earlier i wanted to try something forbidden, a portal that might open the doors of the other worlds to me, then i asked myself, why, only because you have an ego that did not accept being unwanted, undesirable, the fact that she does not want you?

Is it because you cant stand that they have a life of their own? is it because of my inferiority complex ? being sexist, misogynist? being antisocial comes from weakness and i do not to be that kind of weak. I want to hurt others because i am weak and i cant stand them having their life easy. I want to see them in pain. In agony. But then i am sure i will be left disgusted with all the blood in my hands, all the bad smell of their guts on my lap…

It is sad though. To not be able to take my own life. I am at the same time very ashamed of my self in front of God. The all seeing eye. Because He and i, know how much i think highly of virtues: Principles like gratefulness for the smallest gestures of kindness.

A divine gesture of kindness such sharing a stare with an animal, a bird, or just looking to the trees in front of my window. They stand very tall and let the wind caress them, their sight is just hypnotic while the passing clouds hide continuously the moon and the stars.

I am afraid of the fact that my motive to kill myself is only because i fear life, only because i cant stand being lonely.

What a waste. Still, i wonder why Lord Voldemort kills people? And how come he finds great empowerment in it? i can never relate to his darkness.

Once a very young hunter, in the middle of a dangerous chase, stopped and asked with courage Chrollo, he asked him, Why do you kill innocent people?

Chrollo after such a question, found himself in a deep introspection, he thought to himself, i do not see how words can explain my motive to this kid, i cant express it. He then looked up to the sky very perplexed…

 

Self

Vicky

I miss our delightful inspiring talks. To whom did you leave me? To a self that does not stop bullying me? To shades of unrequited lust? To my self destructive nature? 
You used to share with me the blackness of your mind. You used to share with me the disconnection in our consciousness. You used to share with me the old tales of the ancient minds. You used to share with me our doubtful second nature.

I hope you are leading a peaceful life with your man. And if not a peaceful one with your shadows.

My memories are deserting me and all i am left with are feelings of nostalgia. A nostalgia that did not see the light of happenings yet.

I tried my stalking skills but without a shadow of success.

O soul mate, Werther has left us with a bitter sense of blood. He left lust burn his heart till he remained no more.

I feel so alone here Vicky without you. I feel so alone in this estranged world.


Self

A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self

I do not matter in this universe – Entry001

Letting aside the physical or rather the scientific nature of such statement, which is related to the four dimensions – we are so small in a vast universe and our life time is so short compared to the cosmic light distances.

I do not matter emotionally as well in a personal level that is to say.

I have done every thing in my power to present my interest and care for females i liked but at the end of the day or even at the end of that shared moment with the person, there was nothing. Thus i do not matter.

This story, my story is a story of pity and lack of might indeed. For such a person like me, from a very younger age my reason to live was very much linked to the delusions of romance. I have seen every other person somehow successful if we could say in this approach and others did not really care about such a view of life. Thus i felt very lonely.

I did every thing, i took every step towards the other, but nothing was in the outcome of such attempts.

I would only see myself, not rejected but rather invisible, i did not matter and i could feel that females who met me in this shared world would feel some kind of deception, somehow i felt like they met me by mistake and they would do any trick possible to just throw me away or step on me.

I am nothing.

Others have took advantage of my wealth and care and just blocked me after they have used of my kindness. My interest in them was not free and somehow i was not conscious of it till the moment of detachment. Somehow i have always waited for something in return. I guess my case is no different than people having a care giving personality.

I do not matter in this lifetime. I am no one. I am nothing.

Why do you still breath ? why do you still take the pain to wake up every day if there is no one for you ?

Self.