Excerpts from my diary

Amidst inner turbulence

A self which never existed really

What is new is a tempo

A tempo which will give me more time before any active fatality

Still, new energies have come and sensations

With it came a mixture of ill will and strict will

I abstained and headed back to my nest which is the biggest city here

While on train i rethought ending my existence

One voice jumped, but you still can live for a while without being dependant

I replied, yes

You will still maintain your stand on not hurting foes

I replied, yes

But why then? Where does it come from? This sense or even romance of ending your life?

May be i have never existed? May be inside me, there only exist echoes of voices coming from the outside

A hollow temple

Then i looked at the window, and it hit me, a strong calling from nature, two big trees and tall palms were standing with a majestic sense of things

I was in awe and was moved deeply

I heard

Come, come to nature, meet the source of life, live here as the ancient human once did.

You, are, free

Self

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Minshots II

Screenshots of my inner states

I am below, below, down below

Dark, cold, i see death as my only left card to play

God, creator of the universe, of things and beings

God, i do not fit here on existence

This stage of my life

God, if this is not rude to ask, can you make me vanish

To disappear without a shadow of pain

God, i can see your care

I can see how i am destroying my body, yours…

To be edited later

Self

A rapture down the abyss

Shrinking into a tiny lizard

I crawled under the folds of my second skin

What did you found under your stinky nature

I slipped under the past only to see it is also the future

I am trapped inside an ancient cycle

Which i believe is my divine judgment

Step back lower familiar, or i will call for the abyss to manifest

The fire within the temple will burn you

Cold then heat then burst

Dont rise above the air

For you will fall down the well

Pitch dark, i resumed my rapture

Only to discover that i did not leave the vessel

Slow down, the lord can hear you

The oven is ready

I am the last element

Levitate lower being and let the flames consume you

Are you ready for the big fall

Your last and everlasting doom

Failure indeed, follows failure

Self

Mindshots

Screenshots of my mind

Taylor Momsen, Alison Mosshart, and Lana Del Rey’s last albums…

First listen i was like, this is a bit sad… How come all three artists has released material which got a hidden sense of melancholia… From that moment they have been playing on my phone…

A question, a high cliff or a high building? A human construction, brick by brick with human sweat and angst… or buildings of rock and soil through million of ages made by nature… i would not like to use the hardwork of poor humans for a self destructive act. I would have to choose nature, somehow contribute to the execution of its plan, annihilation of the weak for the sake of evolution, so one day, the neoman would make apparition… i still believe that the neoman would be the projection of divine justice and cosmos however at the same time, i believe it will bring the destruction of the world as we see it as we know it… may be planet earth will have to react then and bring out the fire, hellfire which had been suffocating within for ages and ages and ages …

Yesterday i decided to watch a Vice video on a japanese forest down the great mount Fuji. A place which drives in hundreds of suicidals each year. I have seen the title a long time ago but didnt want to watch it because their journalism lacks substance. Anyways the japanese researcher said, this is a modern phenomenon in Japan since in the past suicide was an act of honor, these times it is a lack of skills to adapt to society…

I agree if talking about myself. But see, adapt is a tricky verb. Would accepting how humans have evolved socially be a form of adaptation? Somehow to become a hollow flesh vehicule which abides by others’ will … which and not who. I know i am dramatizing the issue here. May be he is right, i couldn’t adapt.

There has been a doll pinned upside down on a tree next to a deserted tent. The japanese researcher said, they were hesitant to kill themselves so they have expressed their will differently. Somehow they mocked society and left. Occult projection with a sense of sarcasm. Or may be we just have seen too much into it… Deranged souls…

Yes, suicide is selfish act. Selfish should not have a bad ring to it. The norm is the self before others. Any one who thinks it is not the case they should look more into it. If one wants to be for others they should first be. If not to be then others might not be as well. My statement is about the philosophical essence of beings. Behavior comes in a second layer of conscienceness. Like the act of a person who is willing to cease its existence for others. I intend to cease mine for my self. Unknowingly of what might come after. it might be worse i added…

Self

I am the Unworthy

Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.

I am in a difficult phase: Transition.

I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.

I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.

Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.

I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.

I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.

So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.

Alone.

I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.

I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.

I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.

Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.

So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.

As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…

So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.

Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.

The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…

I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but

I am the unworthy…

Self

Excerpts taken from my diary

[…] combined with a strong magick which i am vulnerable to: The aura or charm of some human spirits. The ectoplasm is leaking off their stare. From the way they levitate on Earth, i, often, find myself captured, and even, against my will, running toward such an abyss…

Something which holds the key to my destruction.

The gates of Eternal Fire are cracking…

The sound of chains and snakes is overwhelming.

Pain.

Suffering is what awaits such a tormented conscience.

Welcome to the Kingdom Of Hell.

Self

Three Decades on Earth

My flesh vessel has turned three decades today.

Sometimes i wonder about the holy mountain which will set me free from this existence. And sometimes i feel an ease as if everything is fine.

What did you learn living thirty years on this planet?

Plenty of mystery when you look deep into things… The cosmos.

Plenty of beauty in nature. A very peculiar design of little beings.

The human brain is a very unique host and machine of intelligence.

What can not be understood about human life remains after death and before birth.

What about your experience of intimacy?

He stayed silent … too long… If only the question was not brought forward…

Self