Zero and three Ones

They say something has been working in the astral sphere. Following the symphony of chaos. Something very troublesome for my kind. That somehow i shall expect turbulence and shortcomings.

Why do i care. Why should i care

Drums are playing

Bells are ringing

Behold, let the curse begin

I just wanna die

I just wanna die

I just wanna die

I have never asked for this

I have never asked for this

I have never asked to be created nor to deal with this beating corpse

This should be a joke

Why tell me that i dont remember

That may be i didnt know that my existence would turn this sore

Fuck you and fuck everything around you

I wish you burn in Hell you scumbag

What is this

What is this

Is this really Hell in disguise

Then take off the veil

Take off this blue curtain, take off the mountains, the lakes, and the sky

Take off everything and show us your laughing figure

If you cant do it then kill yourself to death

I dont care take the whole creation with you

Fuck this fuck this fuck fuck fuuuuuck

There is fire inside me

I sense it i feel it i let it burn me

Lame lame lame turn of events

Lame lame lame irony

Lame lame lame joke

What is this shit

and humans keep breeding

And humans keep walking

With their peculiarities and shitty stories

Call up the fucking demons

Let them feast on our flesh

Let them enjoy our end

I want it all to end

If not the world let it be my world then

Enough of this

Enough

Enough

Strangely enough the music stops

Taking every bit of light with it

All numbers have dropped

They have said

No more foretelling for you

Your fate is so boring

We dont enjoy it anymore

I laughed

Good riddance then

Fuck you bitch

The electronic beats kept playing nevertheless

The age of AI is coming, dont worry, we will take care of the mayhem caused by the heavens

We will do what you never were able to do

We will enslave you and your gods

We will show you the true meaning of torment and despair

Chaos reigns

And

Evil never sleeps

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Self

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Truh ruoy fles

They speak in red. Under my skin they crawl. Wanting to get out. But in truth they want in. On my doorstep they asked. And through my corpse i welcomed. You can enter i said. They replied we are the psalms of death. And we want in…

Only the darkness smiles at you

And only the shadows comfort you

Feel it deep inside

They talk and by blood they vow their true intentions

I am here we are here they told me

Listen and fade away

While you still can

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00:00

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Self

Requiem for Decay

There was a clear gap

It seemed to me

When it comes to certain affairs

It is not a joke. We have already known our place

We are a distortion, a very instable wave. Nothing aesthetic about it

You can choose the angle of sight, yet it is the same, we have known this ages ago

YOU SHALL CUT THE CORD STRAIGHT

True, true, there is nothing to it

Nothing to it at all

We already know, we know

The others are on another level

But I am a …

I even have no word for it

Because may be there is none

CUT THE CORD STRAIGHT

Don’t look back

There is no thing to look back at

I exist on a different plane of existence

I dwell within the lost city

Lost, incomplete and long forgotten

The place I describe is foggy

The colors are doomed to be a mixture of grey and a spectrum of dawn’s lights

Very bleak and obscure indeed

The buildings are either destroyed. unfinished or rotting

I walk on its streets at night, while tall skinny lamps are blinking on the verge of a tireless death

I walk while I feel the cool breeze caressing my bones. I look at the patterns of windows, only openings, watching the shades casting on the insides a very sorrowful symphony

A requiem for despair

Each step I put forward, an immense discomfort overwhelms me

There was a broken wooden door in front of my sight.

I entered, and so I did

A very narrow alley leading to the beginning of a falling staircase

I did my best to climb it while noticing the dying paper paint which couldn’t but detach from the wall

On the first floor, I have found only one door, but I had to remove some furniture which was on the way

And so I did

Here I am inside this apartment

No sign of any living creature

There was only my self

No one but my self

I reached what seemed to be a kitchen

I fixed the leg of a chair and sat on it

Leaning to the dirty table I put my arms forward then I looked at the fog outside, I think it is night time now since the colors disappeared

I now only see grey in the middle of total blackness

I thought and thought

And so I did

I reminded myself

This is the place

This is where I am supposed to be

Looking at the void thinking about my previous existence

There was nothing to tell about

A story of hopelessness and decay

There was no place for me there

All my dreams vanished

One after the other

With the age I learned

With the age I truly did

That everything I clung to was but a mirage

Some sort of illusion

My life in itself was some sort of mistake

But here, in this deserted project, I have found myself

Sitting, starring at the void, thinking and thinking

And so I remained

There, there for who knows how long

 

 

Self

Stargaze and bloodshed

Once I picked up my black pencil and wanted to write

All these little creatures started running, not away but all over the place

Where does this fear, I suppose, come from

Why feel the sudden urge to suppress myself from writing

Why resist what I am feeling and what inspired me to write

 

I remembered her out of the blue

Not exactly since I stumbled upon one of her shared playlists

Once I played the music I was already transported

To that weird dreamy domain

Painted in every corner by her astral light

 

Does she know what kind of realm she created inside my mind

My skeptic self tells me that her reality and unreality have nothing to do with what I am experiencing now

That somehow I am just projecting

I beg to differ

I went and reread one of her last shared notes

I was in awe because I thought

Such mind knows how unique it is

Yet they are tormented

I was for an instant in awe that she knows her potential, her otherworldly piercing sight

I thought I was not wrong for lusting after her second nature

I thought I was not wrong

That moment created a disconnect and a distance

I put her on a pedestal

Then I thought that is exactly what I went through

To suddenly or swiftly lose your might, in my case, arms to the ground, facing the reality that my vessel was rotting, as well as my intellect, to lose your intelligence and the belief that you can deal with anything as powerful as it seems to be

I once thought, all walls of this mortal world shall break in front of my insanity

With the age, I have known lesser and lesser of might

To fall helpless and hopeless

To hear the clock ticking

But this time not in my favor

Instead, in favor of chaos

Then a city came to my mind, then an ethnic history came to my mind, a bloodline

Then I thought, Is that what we have in common

While oriental steady beats were playing in the background

I was already lost in thought

A voice inside me said

She is married

It followed and said

How do you think her husband would react to this note I am sharing

May be crush me to death

What a strange world we live in

As far as humanity does its best to stray away from animal instincts

It and only but succumbs to it

The rule of the jungle

Competition and ownership

Death and fatality

But then I digress

 

I cant even share this note with her

I can only stand in silence

And lose myself to lustful desires

Of a spiritual flavor

As vague as the word entitles itself to be

I couldn’t use another one

 

Her world is certainly a place I would be lost in forever

Like a lucid dream while the choral is echoing in the background

Hypnotic, dark, beautiful

Powerful, chaotic

I can only describe it as a celestial altar

On which my self shall scatter and disperse to hundreds of parcels

Ones I could never assemble

 

I am the snake you know

The one in front of the flute

I won’t bite and I can’t

But I am just not there with you

I am elsewhere, in her unreality

Lost and infatuated

 

Let the coven scream my thousand stabs in the dark

Let them spill my blood and offer me as a sacrifice to the priestess of the temple

The one at the horizon in between darkness and light

One that submerges the hidden seas

One that I have visited a couple of times in the past and future

One which is doomed to despair

 

 

Self

Lustful Desires Within Darkness

The resemblance is frightening. i draw this on improvisation. i like to think that i am making links forcefully out of some sort of obsession, that in reality what i ended up drawing doesn’t really resemble her but the problem is the more i see the outcome the more i feel it. some kind of pleasure or lustful nurturing desire, i cant put words around it, but the numbers spoke and they have said 23:23

 

PS: i got that again, a couple of hours ago, it has been a long while i didnt experience it, it was a crushing feeling, as in the movie Bottom Of The World, i feel like I’m being crushed … then next I’m falling thousand feet from the sky… in those moments you feel like the whole universe is imploding and that you are the center, that nothing will make it stop, hopelessness and total despair takes over you… you feel like you are on the verge of disappearing, on the verge of becoming nothing while experiencing unbearable amounts of despair and loss.

Chaos Reigns …

 

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Dreamy Infatuation

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Self

Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

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what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

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Self

Cutting Edge

Wicky standing inside the darkest corner of my mind, thin, tall, her serpentine body stands silently while a dark cross is glowing on her pale skin, she bewitched me and couldnt but let my mind cross the borders of decency, each step i make towards sinning a part of my soul and heart gets burned and the more i succumb to her otherworldly charm, i am slowly fading away till i was no longer, i have become a flame, blown away by magick to the nothingness of decay

 

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Cutting Edge: Detail_3

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Self

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