Out of the stinking blue

A l o n e W h y s h o u l d i s i l l b r e a t h N o o n e T o L i v e F o r G i r l s I l i k e I g n o r e M e I f O n l y I c o u l d V a n i s h

Somehow i get attracted only to girls who will not consider me as existing. Not unwanted but not existing or invisible.

Somehow my guts like only girls who will not have a similar image as the one i see. Some kind of a hidden foresight. Not unexpected from a self destructive self harming third eye.

I struggle to not become a killer a torturer a kidnapper and yet i dont get much credit for it.

I wrote this while feeling disgusted of my pathetic way of feeling. Very childish and immature.

Self

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I am fading

Let this pain i am breathing

To be the sequel to Hell

A paradise full of thorns

Where i cannot move freely

But crawl to my bed

What i am living now may seem as a torment

But because i ll burn in Hell

It should be heaven

Heaven because i can still walk through images of pain

Heaven because i can still destroy myself at will

Be sure i do not want a duel with God

Be sure i do not want to be another adversary as Lucifer

I am only a self which couldnt let go of his weakness

Stubborn but pathetic in front of the godly figure

I am making my way towards the eternal fire

The same dream i had when i was a kid

Looking from above to the kingdom of Hell

These tears i am shedding are pointless

For i have neglected the word of God

I am ashamed but still struggling to wake up for another day

May be i ll manage to find the holy mountain

The cliff that will set me free from my suffering

The cliff that ll open the gates of Hell to me

The cliff that would be the last touch of paradise

Paradise i am living now

The one as my execution chamber

Self.

Lethal Brain Vomit

It is strange that a thing or a set of things like data is what stops me from seeing what is beyond what human beings call death. Data that questions the memory of things like who i am what i am what surrounds me what is this what is that. Knowledge is data as well but if the thinking machine does not exist itself what am i at this right moment?

Fear should be the possibility of things going wrong after i end my life. Things going wrong would be me suffering. I cannot afford suffering. It is an experience i cannot bear, physical suffering i mean. What is funny or ironic is a very small deal of suffering that is mental or that is the tiredness of going on living is what pushes me to end myself; Yet i am afraid of what is worst. So this problem should be solved in a simple formula that is do not kill yourself do not take the control of it. If it comes from illness or an accident that is not your will at the moment. So what i am left with is waiting. Waiting for death. It is sad though to be forced to wait for death.

What makes you wanna die?

After my father died i only see him in dreams, that is the making of the complex brain circuits inside my skull. He never shared with me the knowledge of what comes after death. What if such information was sent to me from the dead, i might believe it is fake or that some other entity is trying to fool me. I am stuck because true knowledge comes from experience. But experience of death or of ending my own life does not have a way back. Once you die you cannot come back to life. And if i did i will doubt my memory of the near death experience.

All i am left with is to kill myself without thinking through it. But Fear stops me. Fear has always been a mind control in my life.

It is sad. It is sad that my fear of God’s judgement, eternal suffering or the expectation of any other bad scenario would stop me from killing myself. Because i want to do it. I am selfish enough to not care about others but to take the step. But at the same time i am a coward for not being able to try. Some girls i have encountered in my life told me about their cutting experiences. I cannot imagine how they can do it. They must have balls of steel. I cannot even see my own blood pour from an artery. i am sure i would have a panic attack, cramps all over my body, and being left with only a very narrow vessel for air while suffering my body implosion.

So what am i left with? smoking? drinking? still it is a sad story, i do not like vomiting nor do i like the idea of cancer. Just a simple headache makes my life a living hell.

All these thoughts lead me to one answer, to kill myself quick, without further thought, and letting fear aside. May be to throw myself from a very high cliff embracing this mysterious and beautiful nature that the lord has made on this planet.

I am stuck. I want to spend the night sleepless but i have work tomorrow and i do not want to spend the day weak having trouble being active in this shared world.

A while earlier i wanted to try something forbidden, a portal that might open the doors of the other worlds to me, then i asked myself, why, only because you have an ego that did not accept being unwanted, undesirable, the fact that she does not want you?

Is it because you cant stand that they have a life of their own? is it because of my inferiority complex ? being sexist, misogynist? being antisocial comes from weakness and i do not to be that kind of weak. I want to hurt others because i am weak and i cant stand them having their life easy. I want to see them in pain. In agony. But then i am sure i will be left disgusted with all the blood in my hands, all the bad smell of their guts on my lap…

It is sad though. To not be able to take my own life. I am at the same time very ashamed of my self in front of God. The all seeing eye. Because He and i, know how much i think highly of virtues: Principles like gratefulness for the smallest gestures of kindness.

A divine gesture of kindness such sharing a stare with an animal, a bird, or just looking to the trees in front of my window. They stand very tall and let the wind caress them, their sight is just hypnotic while the passing clouds hide continuously the moon and the stars.

I am afraid of the fact that my motive to kill myself is only because i fear life, only because i cant stand being lonely.

What a waste. Still, i wonder why Lord Voldemort kills people? And how come he finds great empowerment in it? i can never relate to his darkness.

Once a very young hunter, in the middle of a dangerous chase, stopped and asked with courage Chrollo, he asked him, Why do you kill innocent people?

Chrollo after such a question, found himself in a deep introspection, he thought to himself, i do not see how words can explain my motive to this kid, i cant express it. He then looked up to the sky very perplexed…

 

Self

Undesirable

She desires others

But not me

If only there was a way to erase her memory off my soul

For i can not bring a heart to love me

It wouldnt make sense since love is like faith

And matters of heart are not to be controlled

They live for their own and might desert us like waves of sea

I only wish for cessasion of my existence not because i can not bear it but because it is pointless without a female spirit near you in bed

Self.

A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self