Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

.

.

what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

….

..
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Self

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Inner Experiences Of Intimacy

Why do i still see them as objects of my desire? I would look from a hidden angle to the natural beauty of their faces, stare, the way their lips move, the perfection of their nose, their male eyebrows, the shining hair… The vision is a cure in itself but sooner i would project my own negativity into imagining myself with them as two human beings who are experiencing unease.

Her because she does not recognize the happening as something that makes sense, thus should get back to her individual life, friends, family, studies or career. Me because of what i am experiencing internally. The destructive feelings are so strong, and thoughts are like whispers but somehow i understand what they are saying.

“You and her. Your dreams. You will never make it. Listen to the white noise that is inside you. It is just a mirror of nothingness. You and her shall not be. You are not…”

The feelings come into many ways of dark inspirations.

Either the feeling of an implosion but your shell remains intact. You feel it whereas everything inside get swallowed by a dark black hole. I cannot take it anymore…

Or feelings of a strong crushing inside. My heart, my lungs, my spirit being crushed inside. I cannot fake it anymore. That i am ok.

Intimacy is crushing me. I long for it each night so strongly, while i know it will lead me and deliver me to evil. That moment when you hear the wicked laughs. That moment when you feel possessed by dark archetypes. Once it was the persona of the mad joker who’s only thought was of throwing my self off the racing train.

I stood there. Feeling him inside me. Losing control of my limbs. Knowing each of his thoughts. Just jump, it would be super funny ha ha ha…

Behold. I can see a river. Its face is so calm and steady. Cold. A reflection of what’s above. The blue and white heavens. Feel it. Feel its coolness. You are the river. So big and wide that will make all your worries and black holes drown. You are the river…

Self.