Lethal Brain Vomit

It is strange that a thing or a set of things like data is what stops me from seeing what is beyond what human beings call death. Data that questions the memory of things like who i am what i am what surrounds me what is this what is that. Knowledge is data as well but if the thinking machine does not exist itself what am i at this right moment?

Fear should be the possibility of things going wrong after i end my life. Things going wrong would be me suffering. I cannot afford suffering. It is an experience i cannot bear, physical suffering i mean. What is funny or ironic is a very small deal of suffering that is mental or that is the tiredness of going on living is what pushes me to end myself; Yet i am afraid of what is worst. So this problem should be solved in a simple formula that is do not kill yourself do not take the control of it. If it comes from illness or an accident that is not your will at the moment. So what i am left with is waiting. Waiting for death. It is sad though to be forced to wait for death.

What makes you wanna die?

After my father died i only see him in dreams, that is the making of the complex brain circuits inside my skull. He never shared with me the knowledge of what comes after death. What if such information was sent to me from the dead, i might believe it is fake or that some other entity is trying to fool me. I am stuck because true knowledge comes from experience. But experience of death or of ending my own life does not have a way back. Once you die you cannot come back to life. And if i did i will doubt my memory of the near death experience.

All i am left with is to kill myself without thinking through it. But Fear stops me. Fear has always been a mind control in my life.

It is sad. It is sad that my fear of God’s judgement, eternal suffering or the expectation of any other bad scenario would stop me from killing myself. Because i want to do it. I am selfish enough to not care about others but to take the step. But at the same time i am a coward for not being able to try. Some girls i have encountered in my life told me about their cutting experiences. I cannot imagine how they can do it. They must have balls of steel. I cannot even see my own blood pour from an artery. i am sure i would have a panic attack, cramps all over my body, and being left with only a very narrow vessel for air while suffering my body implosion.

So what am i left with? smoking? drinking? still it is a sad story, i do not like vomiting nor do i like the idea of cancer. Just a simple headache makes my life a living hell.

All these thoughts lead me to one answer, to kill myself quick, without further thought, and letting fear aside. May be to throw myself from a very high cliff embracing this mysterious and beautiful nature that the lord has made on this planet.

I am stuck. I want to spend the night sleepless but i have work tomorrow and i do not want to spend the day weak having trouble being active in this shared world.

A while earlier i wanted to try something forbidden, a portal that might open the doors of the other worlds to me, then i asked myself, why, only because you have an ego that did not accept being unwanted, undesirable, the fact that she does not want you?

Is it because you cant stand that they have a life of their own? is it because of my inferiority complex ? being sexist, misogynist? being antisocial comes from weakness and i do not to be that kind of weak. I want to hurt others because i am weak and i cant stand them having their life easy. I want to see them in pain. In agony. But then i am sure i will be left disgusted with all the blood in my hands, all the bad smell of their guts on my lap…

It is sad though. To not be able to take my own life. I am at the same time very ashamed of my self in front of God. The all seeing eye. Because He and i, know how much i think highly of virtues: Principles like gratefulness for the smallest gestures of kindness.

A divine gesture of kindness such sharing a stare with an animal, a bird, or just looking to the trees in front of my window. They stand very tall and let the wind caress them, their sight is just hypnotic while the passing clouds hide continuously the moon and the stars.

I am afraid of the fact that my motive to kill myself is only because i fear life, only because i cant stand being lonely.

What a waste. Still, i wonder why Lord Voldemort kills people? And how come he finds great empowerment in it? i can never relate to his darkness.

Once a very young hunter, in the middle of a dangerous chase, stopped and asked with courage Chrollo, he asked him, Why do you kill innocent people?

Chrollo after such a question, found himself in a deep introspection, he thought to himself, i do not see how words can explain my motive to this kid, i cant express it. He then looked up to the sky very perplexed…

 

Self

Without Compass

Need you

Touch me

Pressure each finger and your palm on my male breast

Let me follow the invisible lines of your black and red finger nails
Press them again on me while going all over my arms

Let me hear your breathing while being so near to me

Caress me with your long hair while whispering my servitude to you

Let me dream, alone on my bed

I have lost my compass and only long for a faceless being

Who are you

No human identity behind the presence i wish to summon

Will i ever be able to live these moments

Moments in bed

Cool nights and cool early mornings

I wake up before you

Glorifying your enchanting sleeping beauty

I ll serve you all my life

Only fear will stop me

But if you discover my hidden buttons

I would sacrifice my life for you

For i am no thing

Self

A story of pity

I have found myself thinking a lot about a girl. I used to call her in the past she never answered. Or she would pick up the phone and tell me she ll call back but never did. I met her in December two years ago. Today i sent her many texts. I was afraid to call her cause whenever i did i would feel the phone app blocking me after only one beep. I just thought of never contacting her but then i have felt a primal fear of her being angry at me. I am stuck.

I tried to meet girls in between but they would only reject me or ignore me. I tried facebook i tried strangers outside or on train. I tried girls from places i went to regularly who shared the activities i was involved in but there was nothing in the outcome of such attempts.

Thus i am invisible.

Thus i am nothing.

I wished i have considered myself ugly because it would make it physical. It would be easier to bear. I still think of my self as an ugly young man but my pride or rather selfcenterdness or may be i am too selfish to succomb to such self statement. I still like to think very low of myself but it only serves the pleasing pain of self degradation. Since i am in love with my reflection on the mirror even if selves from my past would disagree.

I wished i had no money because it would make it easier to bear. I would think girls have the right to abstein from guys with no cent in their pocket. But thank God i have found a hole in society from which i feed.

Last time i met her was this first April. Lets call her M. When i met M last time i was so in awe. I loved everything about her from her voice to hair to eyes to eyebrows to her beautiful hands and waist and legs and thighs and and and … i was so enchanted and i do not know why.

I still wished today and in the days before if i had a chance to travel to Poland. Only to escape my loneliness. Only to prove to myself i am not a ghost. Only to stop the vicious cycle of pain or unrequited obsession. Wiktoria is in a relationship with her guy but still i longued for her. I wanted to see her and to talk to her. Since i never did. We only talked once through this human miracle called the Internet which made souls communicate occross a multitude of lands and seas. I do not think i can look into her eyes from fear to succomb to her charm. Then i felt afraid that the girl i am obsessed with would know my thoughts about Wiktoria and then be angry at me.

Still, i wanted to travel to Poland. Wiktoria is the girl who insipired me to write the northen tales. But she stopped talking to me. I understand her case cause she is with her guy.

But why M? the girl i am so infatuated with does not react to my messages nor reply to my calls. Why all she thinks about is her career and family.  Why she only reacts when i delete my facebook and gets so mad cause she thinks i blocked her. She has the right to live her own life as she wishes. But i have this fake belief in romance. That another soul should be our only reason to live till we meet the lord in heaven. Or never see his face thus reside suffering in Hell.

I am a selfish person.

I have many and very antisocial thoughts. Which i want to write about but i am afraid God will be angry at me. I am also afraid people would judge me.

I hate people preaching about happiness.

Sometimes i hate myself as well but it has been a long time i did not because of medication i guess.

I still believe in the delusions in romance.

One day i ll be able to create an imaginary lover and live with her till i die.

In the meanwhile i kiss my hands before i sleep and after i wake up cause i live alone and think all the time about M. I hope she would reply and tell me to never bother her again. If so i would keep on my escapades to the realm of unreality and meet the polish girl Wiktoria. She seems the only one who is kind enough to let me dream and kind enough to share with me her dark parallel existence.

Wiktoria i wish you a happy life. And M the girl from the suicidal chapters i wrote once about as well.

I love a couple of birds on a nest next to my window. Very charismatic parents and very cute lovely babies. They have three children. Still did not learn how to fly. I wonder if they ll make it one day. To fly.

Self