A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self

Here she is, falling from the ceiling, falling from up above

With such intimacy and without the slightest hesitation, i have left them flow. Pure, naive, and kind were my words. Each word i have spelled made me closer to her. A moment of vulnerability that did not stop me from keeping the wound open. It has been so many decades, hundreds and hundreds, that i did not let myself flow uncensored. Since each day i have spent on this wrecked hole alone felt like a decade to me.

Her very long hair was falling on my shoulders. The softness i felt was fused with her enchanting sent. Her eyes suddenly started raining on me, very tearful red eyes. A thunder followed: A pouring of “I hate you” and “I want you to suffer”. She left herself being the victim of her own alienating impulses. A flood of anger and pain I thought. I am still lying on the ground while facing this unpredictable break down, a manifestation or rather an explosion of the frustration she was carrying. She had a great deal of hatred inside. She kept it inside whenever hands have stolen her purity. She kept it growing inside whenever her insecurities were a prey for mockery and arrogance. She kept it inside whenever her privacy was invaded… I have felt all that pain penetrating me. I gave it the permission to do so. I was bewitched i thought. Bewitched by love and care giving may be. I have welcomed her frenzy with an open heart. I was aware of my incapacity to keep sustaining a sane self. The collapse of my inner temple was a certitude because the entire setting of that experience was a vulnerable one.

The scenery kept changing; a very tiny space around her remained the same. After each transition she kept her firm hold on my corpse. I thought i was dying since we have traveled over all my past, all these images of my rotten life. Till this moment: I am now within the gazing of stars and the loud silence of the universe. Yes her screaming stopped, i hear nothing now. I guess every word she shouted was a curse. A spell that cut open my heart.

i knew in advance how much sensitive my unconscious was to negativity but still wanted to witness moments of my life unfold as i wanted to cleanse her from all that torment.

I have chosen a death that i wont regret. I wanted to disappear holding that memory. To die under her skinny shelter.

Self