Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry003

– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.

Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.

Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.

– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?

– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.

Self

Advertisements

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry002

– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry001

I might stab them to death if they are disrespectful towards my twin flame. i might get beaten up but i do not care as long as i find a way to turn their bowels out… And i will. It’s gonna stink and may make me puke down their throats. Swallow it now, pig. Don’t fuck with my twin flame again, try and be flirty with her now, look at you, a breathless corpse, so much waste. All this scenery is just disgusting. It stinks like Hell. She just stood there disgusted by what i did. I felt bad because she felt sorry for the guy. She should not have those feelings of pity for him. Only I deserve her empathy. But then i have no control of any thing. Even if i just took this filthy mouth’s life, it was all written before. I have only made my entry to Hell more certain.

A step closer to Hell is a step away from eternal rest.

My Deviant Self.

Thiloom. My Beastly Servant

Glad that I have gored the goat to death. The growling that I have heard afterwards was not from pain but of rage. It was not coming from its opened throat. The corpse was lying down breathless. Fear started overcoming me for it was late night, exactly, the witching hour. Right then, I knew I had to begin the invocation.

Let the gates of hell open

Hails to the underworld

Accept my offering and give me what I have always asked for

A familiar from the dark lands,

A beast kept under an infernal vow

A vow of eternal servitude and unconditional obedience

Suddenly, a ghostly figure strangely appeared behind the sign on sand. It spoke and said:

“Koligtee, Gholly, Thiloom”

My servant will be a ghoul, named Thiloom, that I ll receive the night after.

Somehow in front of my tomb, I have found a cradle sheltering an unidentified dark little creature, a faceless infant ghoul. I feel an extreme joy and I thank the coven of witches from the bottom of my rotten heart for they have finally accepted my solemn request.

My new purpose now is to take care of my baby ghoul, feed it with dead flesh I ll collect from the graveyard till it becomes stronger and stronger, and tame it to my best of my abilities so it won’t make any mistake while obeying my orders, for I am the master of this infernal beast. I ll not make the dark coven regret such a generous gesture of theirs.

From now on I ll serve evil and make rituals from the blood of my future preys. My commands will depend on my mood. It will depend on the stars and on the moon phases.

Thiloom, run, harm and feed.

Thiloom , track, hunt and bring alive.

Each night, I wake up after sunset then I check on Thiloom. Thiloom is becoming stronger. I can sense that its thirst for blood has grown and hunger for human flesh has developed. I cannot hide the voices I hear inside my head, I cannot ignore them. They say,

Oh you servant of the darkness, Oh you pathetic servant, your time has clearly come, haven’t you noticed the new glare in Thiloom’s eyes, haven’t you started sensing its hatred towards you, you have not much time left, bow down near the northern well and gave us your soul with dignity or we ll command Thiloom to do it.

I cannot ignore these alien thoughts, but in the same time, I am the father of this beast. I am the master. I ll deceive the coven and run away with Thiloom. May be they have altered its loyalty to me, I have to run away to another land, may be overseas. Oh I hear something crawling behind, this is impossible; I have checked the chains of Thiloom earlier, how come? Maybe I am thinking too much.

Oh no, this cannot be, oh, Aaaaaarghhh.

Frightening screams. Crying and hopeless laughter. This is Insane. I do not recognize my self anymore. I am in full submission while falling on my knees in front of this huge beast. My dear Thiloom has become a stranger with the, one and only, instinct to kill.

Tonight was the same night Thiloom was brought to life by the coven, and now all I can see, is a bloody and deathly scenery. Thiloom feeding on the guts of its master, I the narrator can smell that disgusting feast, yet I can see how delighted Thiloom has become, the first smile on a faceless head. The killing of his master was one of the most brutal savage acts I have ever witnessed. Skull smashed, throat dissected, eyes swallowed, penis thrown to fire, flesh eaten, and bones destroyed. All what is left is a bunch of guts lying on the ground. Weirdly enough, Thiloom keeps vomiting them whenever they make way inside its infernal stomach.

I watch my own murder in disgust and pain, I plunge into despair and I wait for my final judgment. I feel the bitter regret of what is awaiting for me. A similar fate within the district of Hell.

Side Note:

The second meaningful long conversation was initiated by her after a long while of disappearance. She asked anonymously, how is your writing doing. In that same time I had a feeling it was her but i had a slight doubt. I replied with the first part of this humble story. A story of pain was her departure to an unknown fate to me, and all I could do is an attempt to live off her memory. I wrote this story from notes I had written by hand a long time ago, and each time, I think, the first deliverance was in time of a reunion, so may be completing this story and publishing it may grant me a chance of some sort. Hopefully, some kind of a second reunion.

Art is sacred and shall be. Art defies reason but keeps you dreaming. And all I do is I keep dreaming.

Self.