Loss and Failure

While you find yourself focused on your own life trying to advance on another path you might come to the conclusion that you have to do it and that you dont have a choice but to be ready and accept the consequences while thinking about one person. You think of your past years and look towards the future trying to challenge yourself and make a change. Something that counts and seems important in this world of humans. While being in this solid shell you forget that the other person might have a totally different perspective. They might have given up that path because of its failing nature and look towards another path which will bring them materialistic gratification which is an individual endeavor in the manner that it is devoid of alien will. May be they are balanced socially. They dont partake in personal isolation, they treat the world of others as one dimensional plane. No room for another since there is another around 24/7. If something happens in that category it might be casual or very short termed. They would go on their life thinking that the only thing they can invest in is what they can take hold of and use without consent since it is devoid of consciousness or sense of self. I dont know what to think of this. May be i am doomed because i still give my self a chance to think of partnership when i and only once took over my anxious self. No room for light. Should i also abort this quest of another… should i focus on another side in which i can expand which is another kind of independent shelter. But i know that i only consider it so i would mate with another. But if it is a lost cause already i dont think i am able to handle others for a short while. Like a writer who would spend a chunk of his life with a person which will leave eventually since their focus was never in companionship but on other affairs. Whenever i find myself thinking this way i cant help but manifest the incel in me, in a manner such as, others are not really into this partnership deal, that only men seek this kind of lifestyle, the voice inside me tells me that they wouldnt care for that or sacrifice things for it, they would be like why do i care, to hell with him and his control freak desires… a man tries to build a home, and women are interested in other things, that somehow they cant comprehend the extreme need in men to find someone … but again i try to reason with myself, and say that it is not a gender issue. It is an individualistic issue each man or woman have their own vision or way of life. And that failure in partnership lies on the people at hand. Might be a question of timing or a deal of attraction. May be life has put the few encounters i had into a dead end from the start. I might be guilty of my own lack of growth. May be i evolved psychologically and emotionally in a way that made the probability of meeting someone compatible to 0. May be if i didnt isolate myself i would have morphed into a different person. Someone who is not me. I guess all of this shows how i didnt adapt to the world of humans. At times it just seems so alien to my nature. Like if an existence on this planet wasnt supposed to be. Some kind of mistake in the system. If only assisted self destruction was a normal thing. That would have been such a resting place for my mind. To join with the void for once and all.

.

Self

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The nightly woods

It has been a long time i didnt have a night like tonight

There was a grey wall in front of me

Covering my sight letting just a little space on top for a dark sky

Somehow while watching a movie about a veteran living in the woods with his teenage daughter i felt something

I am in that place again

With the little knowledge that i have gathered recently i analysed his struggle in a different way

A way i resisted as far as i can remember

Towards the end there was two scenes with his daughter

Little was said but how they acted reminded me of how i feel if i ever was in conflict with someone in my personal sphere

A sphere forced on me with my older sibling

A sphere i have chosen with a girl who lived with me for a while, the first and only one

In those moments, little words were said

But while having the person standing near you facing you

In an abusive or conflictual situation which demanded of me to open up and express my stand

I speak little and being naked in a situation of vulnerability i feel like i want to scream my anger but i dont

I feel like i want to communicate my disappointment or …

Words dont usually come forward instead i feel an extreme unease and darkness keeps growing

Sometimes my eyes tear up, anger or just silence follows while the person in front of me tells me that i have to not keep my emotions inside

That moment of confrontation was shown in the movie

Little was said

His daughter told him, what is wrong with you is not wrong with me

You are the one who wants to leave

In the second scene the young father decided to do what he always did

In that scene it hit me, may be i am the one who got something wrong

May be the social component of my mind is not developed fully, may be there is an unbalance and somehow it has become my identity, it has become me, my self

May be there is nothing to it

Nothing to change

Since it has been a very long time that i keep doing the same thing, that i flee others, that i am socially selective to the point there is no one

And when there is some one, the black hole inside me becomes bigger and bigger

Recently after a long time of isolation in my personal life i have noticed that all the parts my past self had and which made him able to date and spend much time with different girls in order to know them more

That social part inside me is dead

I cant see myself attempting to know anyone for the first time

Or to meet a girl i know for another time

Whenever i picture it in my mind i see myself silent and more tense

I see myself in that moment telling myself, it is pointless, you can never make it, and even if you do and marry, you will be stuck between four walls, whenever you will be with her you will feel her depression and you will feel more helpless, you cant do it…

So i went cyber stalking some dark entities

Somehow they have managed to follow their dreams

Thing i cant do

I have changed during the recent years

My morning self has no capacity for improvement professionaly

I know that if i ever find a partner i would have to adapt professionally if we ever want to leave this third world country

Knowing that i cant adds more pressure

My past self dealt with depression more than me

But still he was able to do things i cant even imagine, working and studying for many hours and sleeping only few, my body could never do it, i cant learn or try to learn new things

Somehow my intelligence has gone down, i am no longer the bright guy i was capable of working in any job i want

So i am stuck

And my future dreams too

But then i asked myself, if i was a god i wouldnt put my creation into similar situations, why make it harder for them, all i can see is a sick higher mind, a sadistic one

And if there is no god, and in case the scientific method is the offspring of a deterministic brain in a random universe, chaos will reign

There is nothing to it

Humans will fade away and may be a new intelligence will experience the world in a first person time afterwards

Consciousness will suffer again

Deemed to destruction and decay

Chaos reigns

She then woke up

The dark shadow was standing next to the curtains

She murmured, dont go, ghost, stay with me, evil dont leave

Then the ghost was cast away

She never felt this alone in her life

Three beheaded skulls in a sack

Steps covered in blood

Making way towards the long and dark trees in a very cold night

Chaos reings

Self

Lethal Brain Vomit

It is strange that a thing or a set of things like data is what stops me from seeing what is beyond what human beings call death. Data that questions the memory of things like who i am what i am what surrounds me what is this what is that. Knowledge is data as well but if the thinking machine does not exist itself what am i at this right moment?

Fear should be the possibility of things going wrong after i end my life. Things going wrong would be me suffering. I cannot afford suffering. It is an experience i cannot bear, physical suffering i mean. What is funny or ironic is a very small deal of suffering that is mental or that is the tiredness of going on living is what pushes me to end myself; Yet i am afraid of what is worst. So this problem should be solved in a simple formula that is do not kill yourself do not take the control of it. If it comes from illness or an accident that is not your will at the moment. So what i am left with is waiting. Waiting for death. It is sad though to be forced to wait for death.

What makes you wanna die?

After my father died i only see him in dreams, that is the making of the complex brain circuits inside my skull. He never shared with me the knowledge of what comes after death. What if such information was sent to me from the dead, i might believe it is fake or that some other entity is trying to fool me. I am stuck because true knowledge comes from experience. But experience of death or of ending my own life does not have a way back. Once you die you cannot come back to life. And if i did i will doubt my memory of the near death experience.

All i am left with is to kill myself without thinking through it. But Fear stops me. Fear has always been a mind control in my life.

It is sad. It is sad that my fear of God’s judgement, eternal suffering or the expectation of any other bad scenario would stop me from killing myself. Because i want to do it. I am selfish enough to not care about others but to take the step. But at the same time i am a coward for not being able to try. Some girls i have encountered in my life told me about their cutting experiences. I cannot imagine how they can do it. They must have balls of steel. I cannot even see my own blood pour from an artery. i am sure i would have a panic attack, cramps all over my body, and being left with only a very narrow vessel for air while suffering my body implosion.

So what am i left with? smoking? drinking? still it is a sad story, i do not like vomiting nor do i like the idea of cancer. Just a simple headache makes my life a living hell.

All these thoughts lead me to one answer, to kill myself quick, without further thought, and letting fear aside. May be to throw myself from a very high cliff embracing this mysterious and beautiful nature that the lord has made on this planet.

I am stuck. I want to spend the night sleepless but i have work tomorrow and i do not want to spend the day weak having trouble being active in this shared world.

A while earlier i wanted to try something forbidden, a portal that might open the doors of the other worlds to me, then i asked myself, why, only because you have an ego that did not accept being unwanted, undesirable, the fact that she does not want you?

Is it because you cant stand that they have a life of their own? is it because of my inferiority complex ? being sexist, misogynist? being antisocial comes from weakness and i do not to be that kind of weak. I want to hurt others because i am weak and i cant stand them having their life easy. I want to see them in pain. In agony. But then i am sure i will be left disgusted with all the blood in my hands, all the bad smell of their guts on my lap…

It is sad though. To not be able to take my own life. I am at the same time very ashamed of my self in front of God. The all seeing eye. Because He and i, know how much i think highly of virtues: Principles like gratefulness for the smallest gestures of kindness.

A divine gesture of kindness such sharing a stare with an animal, a bird, or just looking to the trees in front of my window. They stand very tall and let the wind caress them, their sight is just hypnotic while the passing clouds hide continuously the moon and the stars.

I am afraid of the fact that my motive to kill myself is only because i fear life, only because i cant stand being lonely.

What a waste. Still, i wonder why Lord Voldemort kills people? And how come he finds great empowerment in it? i can never relate to his darkness.

Once a very young hunter, in the middle of a dangerous chase, stopped and asked with courage Chrollo, he asked him, Why do you kill innocent people?

Chrollo after such a question, found himself in a deep introspection, he thought to himself, i do not see how words can explain my motive to this kid, i cant express it. He then looked up to the sky very perplexed…

 

Self

A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self

Without Compass

Need you

Touch me

Pressure each finger and your palm on my male breast

Let me follow the invisible lines of your black and red finger nails
Press them again on me while going all over my arms

Let me hear your breathing while being so near to me

Caress me with your long hair while whispering my servitude to you

Let me dream, alone on my bed

I have lost my compass and only long for a faceless being

Who are you

No human identity behind the presence i wish to summon

Will i ever be able to live these moments

Moments in bed

Cool nights and cool early mornings

I wake up before you

Glorifying your enchanting sleeping beauty

I ll serve you all my life

Only fear will stop me

But if you discover my hidden buttons

I would sacrifice my life for you

For i am no thing

Self

A story of pity

I have found myself thinking a lot about a girl. I used to call her in the past she never answered. Or she would pick up the phone and tell me she ll call back but never did. I met her in December two years ago. Today i sent her many texts. I was afraid to call her cause whenever i did i would feel the phone app blocking me after only one beep. I just thought of never contacting her but then i have felt a primal fear of her being angry at me. I am stuck.

I tried to meet girls in between but they would only reject me or ignore me. I tried facebook i tried strangers outside or on train. I tried girls from places i went to regularly who shared the activities i was involved in but there was nothing in the outcome of such attempts.

Thus i am invisible.

Thus i am nothing.

I wished i have considered myself ugly because it would make it physical. It would be easier to bear. I still think of my self as an ugly young man but my pride or rather selfcenterdness or may be i am too selfish to succomb to such self statement. I still like to think very low of myself but it only serves the pleasing pain of self degradation. Since i am in love with my reflection on the mirror even if selves from my past would disagree.

I wished i had no money because it would make it easier to bear. I would think girls have the right to abstein from guys with no cent in their pocket. But thank God i have found a hole in society from which i feed.

Last time i met her was this first April. Lets call her M. When i met M last time i was so in awe. I loved everything about her from her voice to hair to eyes to eyebrows to her beautiful hands and waist and legs and thighs and and and … i was so enchanted and i do not know why.

I still wished today and in the days before if i had a chance to travel to Poland. Only to escape my loneliness. Only to prove to myself i am not a ghost. Only to stop the vicious cycle of pain or unrequited obsession. Wiktoria is in a relationship with her guy but still i longued for her. I wanted to see her and to talk to her. Since i never did. We only talked once through this human miracle called the Internet which made souls communicate occross a multitude of lands and seas. I do not think i can look into her eyes from fear to succomb to her charm. Then i felt afraid that the girl i am obsessed with would know my thoughts about Wiktoria and then be angry at me.

Still, i wanted to travel to Poland. Wiktoria is the girl who insipired me to write the northen tales. But she stopped talking to me. I understand her case cause she is with her guy.

But why M? the girl i am so infatuated with does not react to my messages nor reply to my calls. Why all she thinks about is her career and family.  Why she only reacts when i delete my facebook and gets so mad cause she thinks i blocked her. She has the right to live her own life as she wishes. But i have this fake belief in romance. That another soul should be our only reason to live till we meet the lord in heaven. Or never see his face thus reside suffering in Hell.

I am a selfish person.

I have many and very antisocial thoughts. Which i want to write about but i am afraid God will be angry at me. I am also afraid people would judge me.

I hate people preaching about happiness.

Sometimes i hate myself as well but it has been a long time i did not because of medication i guess.

I still believe in the delusions in romance.

One day i ll be able to create an imaginary lover and live with her till i die.

In the meanwhile i kiss my hands before i sleep and after i wake up cause i live alone and think all the time about M. I hope she would reply and tell me to never bother her again. If so i would keep on my escapades to the realm of unreality and meet the polish girl Wiktoria. She seems the only one who is kind enough to let me dream and kind enough to share with me her dark parallel existence.

Wiktoria i wish you a happy life. And M the girl from the suicidal chapters i wrote once about as well.

I love a couple of birds on a nest next to my window. Very charismatic parents and very cute lovely babies. They have three children. Still did not learn how to fly. I wonder if they ll make it one day. To fly.

Self

Divine Arc

A chair

Where ground and sky meet

I can see the chair

I am waiting for someone

I am supposed to be sitting on the chair

But i do not see my corpse

I am here omnipresent but still my vision is very limited

The here and the now look like a scar in time

Oval in shape but not yet

Two elements covering my sight but with only one horizon

I am here waiting for God

I must start speaking

The pain i feel is in my heart

My breathing might fail me again

God you know i am weak

God i am afraid my ego will stop me from praying goodness to my fate

Someone said i should stop telling, writing and reading to my self my story again and again

Someone said i should stop thinking about the past

And stop chaining what i can change

How could i let go of my self and wait for my end

How can i stop obsessing about the pain i have let grow inside me

How can i stop nurturing the story of my suffering

How can i stop being unreal and begin my journey

Spirits join me now

Spirits lets dance before the moon light

Spirits the angels are watching

Spirits i can see the hand of God

Spirits lets dance and pray
Self.