A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self

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An Inner Journey: October Is Near

Side Note: The last part of this writing is a lucid dream i had during the last days of the holy month of Ramadan. A first of this degree.

While trying to find a way to handle or to control this abrupt unbalance of my inner well-being, i have found myself looking for a hidden trail. It was not my intention to look for it in the beginning. On the contrary, I tried to forget about its existence. At that time, It did not exist at all. Somehow, and against my will, signs started showing. Hints that proved its strong chance to manifest itself as a ruling pattern: The dreary visions of life. Not life as the whole living creation since nature still holds its grip on my soul, flushing my inner temple with such a soothing tranquility. Nature, one of my rare possible escapades. At this point I am still on the surface of things. I did not dive in enough nor I took distance from within to perceive them as merely visions. Unfortunately they still seemed related to the real world, representing my actual physical surrounding.

While in the middle of this unfaithfulness, I asked my self, how can I come back to my root self: The ancient and ethereal being? Have I ever made contact with it? Am I just the pilling up of solely earthly matter and a poor track of fading memories? Have I forgotten what all of this is about? I keep starring at these tired, cold human faces and bending backs. Hollow creatures as they appear to be. I keep telling myself, am I not one of them? However, in each time I know and feel that something is lacking… Is this a curse? Have I done something wrong?

I am still skeptic to all of this however I still feel like my magic is disappearing or rather leaking. I have the impression that I am turning slowly into a hollow vessel. Is there someone here? Is there someone? I need to find the key to my hidden tomb, I need to touch my astral body, I need to open the gates of the surreal…
And there in front, stood three icy, thin and tall identic mountains. I am walking on a wooden alley. A very cool air is caressing me. In my right, some Asian carps swimming, and a small floating wooden vapor machine. In my left, green and thick short bushes. I can feel the cold of the clouds facing me, but behind my back, at my right, I hear a movement. I feel a presence, a dark one. As I turn my head I am confronted to a shady stare, having the appearance of a man, I have the certainty it is not. Deep inside, there is a strong knowing that it ain’t what it seems to be. The shadows are lurking in his side and suspicious stare. The intruder is here. I shall wake up now and disappear from this other-worldly existence.

A stronger and crucial reality still and had always existed elsewhere… And will always be till and after the end of times…

 

Self.

Wiktoria. A Northern Tale. Part II

Traveled the world ten years backwards heading for a northern country. Here i am in the middle of this white and sublime nature. Here i can hear the sharp silence of the snow, followed by shy steps of a wandering elk.

In case you are wondering about the reasons behind such an abrupt visit to the past of a European country, i will not be sure of giving you a proper answer.

The bitterness of the present did not serve me any good. I had to look for her, i wanted to reach that elegant and attractive mind of hers. Somehow i had the intuition that i will find her in the middle of these long trees, since nature has proved itself to be darker there.

To my own astonishment i had a gut feeling that i ll find the same wise inner woman that i have met before, the same eloquent, wondering, and darkly spiritual being. Somehow she managed to live off time. However and sadly enough, in the present time, i have lost grasp of reality since i was not a part of it.

How can an unreal person like me partake in her existence.

I and I always wait for that manifestation of darkness, and i know i ll find her in the middle of these cold and deserted lands. While looking for her, disappearing from tree to tree, vanishing from lake to lake, flying over all these majestic valleys and mountains, i am still hearing her own words, that i once, have been fortunate enough to read.

“This sorrow, this darkness, this mental pain is so attractive. So beautiful, so soothing…”

To plunge into impossibilities of encounters, to plunge into the awkwardness of such fate, to feel cold till my bones just to see her, to lose my own self and to become only a watcher, to share a sight of a familiar, i will dream and not stop dreaming.

Grant me a chance to relive these enchanting moments.

Let me create my own dream.

Self.

Published on my FB: Sunday, 27 March 2016

THE SUICIDAL CHAPTERS – CH.I

CHAPTER I – A Suffocating pork under water

While lying down on my tomb, I thought I have heard something,

“The boy who never lived comes to die”,

“I am going to die with or without her”. The child shouted to the man who got no hair on his head, a snake figure was seen over his showing skull. The man wearing a black cloak couldn’t be seen by others, but still got a very strong hold on the child.

Childhood was a period in my life that somehow defines who I am in the core of my self. I was so scared of demons, and always frightened to my bones when the night comes. Less than twenty years after, I will witness my first apparition inside a house that is told to be haunted on a very far away land, lands of my ancestors. Ten years later, paranormal experiences have proven to be very rare but not with a lesser influence. The last one was in the end of 2015. I am seeing demonic or altered human faces the moment I put myself on the pillow, followed by loud auditory hallucinations, laughs and hearing a very weird language, but with a strong spelling filled with a very frightening emotion. These recent paranormal experiences did not start randomly. They were for a couple of weeks, the very last weeks of 2015. Panic attacks were sitting just under my skin, I fought them with all what I have got left of inner strength. However each time I met her, the night after I would feel a very powerful dark energy. I somehow expected that to happen, not before, but the right moment I felt that dark energy I got a clue on its possibility. The first night was unique, because the dream was not a silent one, I have heard a very powerful drum beat, tribal drum beats we usually hear before a ritualistic sacrifice. While I was given the choice to stay or continue the dream, I was representing the projection of my own self. The more I stayed in there, the more the symphony of the beats changed to become more and more dark and scary. Here he comes, puts her on the ground, hold his knife and points it violently around her submissive body, she can’t move, now he hold the knife in the air, looks at me, and yells like someone who got himself into a frenzy, in that right moment, I felt a terrible fear, a near death fear, he is going to kill her and himself after, I have received a very life threatening and traumatic signal, I still had the choice to keep watching but I forced myself to wake up.

The child – while the man with the snake figure was surprised – used his bare hands to strangle the pork under water, squeals of that filthy beast were terrifying, but not to the child, he still got his grip on the pork, until no sound was heard. The man with the dark cloak did not like the scenery; the child is now staring at him with a deadly stare.

“You are in the presence of the dark lord, never raise those eyes on me, or I will disgrace your soul” I don’t see him no more; He just disappeared out of the blue.

As I looked for him in the forest, I have found a lake, I can see a strange pale kid, all covered in blood, he is in the middle of the water, and in his right hand, a pork’s head. I asked him, how did you manage to slice the throat of that giant pork, how did you manage to win over him with only your bare hands, he starred at me with the same anger he got a while ago in the presence of the snake, and repeated,

“I am willing to die with or without her”.

To be continued.

Self.

Published on my FB: Sunday, 28 February 2016