Lament of Grey

Death should submerge us all

For we are the abominaton casted on this plane of existence

With open arms i welcomed dismal

I greeted despair with tears of joy

I thought, i am still me, i am still my self

For once i feared a no turning back

The point of no return

I thought, my coat of grey was taken off me

For a short period of time i have found my self in this world of humans

Ready to act upon it and assist its expansion, what a sad story

Once i was awake, i knew that the world of grey didn’t leave me, it is still here

It still wants me to follow on the steps of the ancient, to meet death and forfeit this realm. For whatever it takes

I shook hands with the devil and promised him my departure

He looked at me and twisted his tail

He then murmured, you are a lost cause

I followed then and said, i thought you knew

I thought you knew i am no leader

I had no intention to take on your legacy

To defy the gods and raise war against the heavens

My fate is mine to take on hand

My story is surely a lame cry

I, though, wish you good luck

If you prevail over the light

If your dark light takes over the word of god

if you make it, find me a place in the kingdom of Hell

Farewell my confident, prince of darkness, the fallen angel

Self

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Kira Rausch’s Doppleganger

Today has been a gloomy day

Dont worry camarade, the whole time seems so

A very long black truck was heading our way

We got a glimpse of the driver, long messy dark hair covering the face, on the second seat must be Chrollo.

He came to our inner realms and spoke to us. Now he is here.

The truck stops, we get inside, we cant really see much, but we both smelled a mixture of odours, alcohol, weed, and cigarettes. After we entered the back of the truck we sat there and remained silent, we felt the presence of others even though i didnt manage to identify their number since there was no light inside. We got in, then the truck kept rolling. You might ask who i was with, i really dont recall may be it was only me, what about Chrollo? All i can i say is that he manifested his image in my inner temple, he spoke without sound, i heard his words while looking into his big black eyes. I dont remember much till i have found myself waiting in dawn, i couldnt sleep so i went outside thinking about how much every dream i had didnt have any touch of realism, existence was meaningless, when i came to that realization i was filled with an extreme hatred for anything moving, i hated myself more for breathing. The truck made another stop, while being submerged in my own despair i couldnt but to succombe to what was left of my animalistic curiosity, i smelled a female presence, she sat next to me, then the truck restarted moving. Without being self conscious about it i have already found myself thinking.

I couldnt take my own life and here i am riding this morbid truck with similar doomed minds, what i fear the most is that Chrollo will make this trip infinite. One thing i can not bear is eternity, he promised us a new world, he promised killing God and creating a new heaven for us, a deserted land in which we will suffer alone under our own will and no one would take our control would it be a being or a diety. We would at least have our fate in our hands. It was a relief for me because i couldnt stand the fact that a god would doom suicidals to Hell. What a sick sadistic turn of events. Anyways, i dont know what is out there, i dont know if this is even real i am just here thinking about the fatality of being alive, a story in which i couldnt end my life.

My primitive instinct kicked in since i was reminded by a female presence next to me, i have heard a lighter, i smelled what came out her own lungs, that breath only fired a cold flame inside me, i thought, this existence is lame and what makes it unbearable for me is that whenever i find myself lusting after a lone angel i cant help myself but being submerged into despair once i realize i am with her now and that we are similar somehow, that this, me and her sharing this space is suffocating, the reality of us being together in the here and the now kicks us inside our black holes to the point that returning to our selves becomes an impossible task.

The black hole is getting deeper and deeper whenever i tried to get out, an unbearable pain took over me, i tried to tell myself, i screamed inside,

You dont know her, you didnt talk, you didnt see her in the eye, you are just sitting next to each other, come back to yourself, you are still inside this truck, you do not live in the past.

Somehow i have managed to break free from panic. This primal instinct of mating and reproducing still plays tricks on me, there is nothing to it. i reminded myself of how much i hated my self, how much i should never manifest as a person, to never let the light shine on me, to never use this body to go outside, to never partake in life with others. It would only bring me to more self disgust and utter hatred.

The truck is still moving, and she is still smoking next to me. I can hear the others too inside the truck but somehow my brain is fixatting only on her since she is sitting besides me and i can feel her warmth. I can smell her hair and hear her smoking.

To be continued.

Self

I do not matter in this universe – Entry001

Letting aside the physical or rather the scientific nature of such statement, which is related to the four dimensions – we are so small in a vast universe and our life time is so short compared to the cosmic light distances.

I do not matter emotionally as well in a personal level that is to say.

I have done every thing in my power to present my interest and care for females i liked but at the end of the day or even at the end of that shared moment with the person, there was nothing. Thus i do not matter.

This story, my story is a story of pity and lack of might indeed. For such a person like me, from a very younger age my reason to live was very much linked to the delusions of romance. I have seen every other person somehow successful if we could say in this approach and others did not really care about such a view of life. Thus i felt very lonely.

I did every thing, i took every step towards the other, but nothing was in the outcome of such attempts.

I would only see myself, not rejected but rather invisible, i did not matter and i could feel that females who met me in this shared world would feel some kind of deception, somehow i felt like they met me by mistake and they would do any trick possible to just throw me away or step on me.

I am nothing.

Others have took advantage of my wealth and care and just blocked me after they have used of my kindness. My interest in them was not free and somehow i was not conscious of it till the moment of detachment. Somehow i have always waited for something in return. I guess my case is no different than people having a care giving personality.

I do not matter in this lifetime. I am no one. I am nothing.

Why do you still breath ? why do you still take the pain to wake up every day if there is no one for you ?

Self.

A Play: The Closed Room

Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains

 

God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?

I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …

If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…

 

Act I

– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?

 

Act II

This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.

Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…

The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…

It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?

 

Act III

– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.

I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.

I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.

– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.

Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane

They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.

 

Self