Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains
God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?
I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …
If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…
– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?
This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.
Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…
The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…
It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?
– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.
I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.
I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.
– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.
Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane
They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.