Here i am here within

I sit on my throne and see

I set on the east and fail

I rise on the west and burn

I am king here, i am king of Hell

No one has ever walked on my lands

For my lands are lakes of fire

For my lands are the dwelling of the dead

Still, i am a false king

I am the false prophet

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

See up in the sky and look for me

I have slept with the northern star

I have left the castle of eternity

I ll rise again

And this time with no mercy

When the day comes look for me

When your death awaits swallow me

When you lose your faith caress me

They are not screaming for they are content

They are not crying for they have seen the truth once before

Do not let me fool you

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

Know who is your master and give in to me

Give in to my lies

Give in to my fake promisses

Give in to my lust

Fail your true light

For i am your knight

A headless horseman is my vessel

I am falsehood

Know your pain for i am near

Know yourself for i am here

Count your days for i am who will bring you down

Down to the kingdom of Hell

Listen to me and follow

For i am the false prophet

I hear whispers now

Tell them, tell them

I walk upon the earth

Self

A Play: The Closed Room

Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains

 

God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?

I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …

If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…

 

Act I

– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?

 

Act II

This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.

Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…

The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…

It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?

 

Act III

– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.

I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.

I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.

– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.

Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane

They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.

 

Self

End Of The World – Part I

This is a story of the future. There is a belief that someone from the future had made contact with a local from our life time. This local resident was willing to confide in me.

Planet Earth survived the international nuclear war. Survived remains still a vague term because if you look in to the state of nature you will notice a major degeneration. There is only two seasons and they are covering the whole planet: The nuclear fall and summer. Each week millions of people die. The people left alive are mostly mutants, deformed or disabled they are no good to anyone and to their turn count the days before their certain death. Animals, insects, birds and fish have known the same fate. Their genetic code has been altered hence new forms of beings emerged. The number of healthy humans who did not get affected by the nuclear calamity is in the scale of ten millions based on a worldwide statistics.

There is only one government ruling the planet. The heads of this authority are the offspring of the ones who ruled the world in the shadows decades ago. Now their identities are known to the public. They are ex-members of the earliest leading industries, the military, oil, alcohol and cigarettes, medicine and the meat industry. Others are ex-heads of the biggest financial organizations and of course ex-godfathers who kept their business in the black market over the entire world. People who have made it to this governing table have now the greatest responsibility, a weight that no one has ever lifted before.

The execution of the decisions and policies should be passed over the table of counselors. They hold the last word on these political matters. Either they will accept or deny. This table gathers different philosophers, artists, intellectuals, and the heads of the lasting cults who somehow maintained their authority and might over the decades.

The state of affairs during this critical age is a bit different from what the human history have witnessed. The universal values which humans have always fought for had been diminished and altered. Human rights are no longer a flag you will hold high or defend during court trials.

There is this wave of darkness that invaded each human heart. The secrets of creation have been unveiled. Every human before sleep gets awestruck by a vision, a dark sky, a dark sea, and a fading celestial object. May be a moon, may be a planet, or a star.

The underlying confidence of the heads of government has been lost. All that has been left is a mask of sanity. Behind the mask, every charismatic figure has lost their mind. They all think the same but don’t have the courage to share it.

“Life now is pointless. You are powerless. Millions of people die each year because of their weak immunity systems. Our bodies will soon know the same fate. The new scientific inventions that we are using to maintain or prolong our life time are not that efficient. No hope is left and there is no place where to hide. Our race will be exterminated and no one will be able to stop this calamity. Our lives are pointless. This game will end soon.”

The philosophers are on the same boat. Something that never happened before. Philosophy has always been the representation of the multitude of schools of thoughts. Now their ideas are the same. No question has been left to wonder.

“It is all clear now. This natural instinct of survival was a hoax. How come people of the past were motivated by this lame and insane idea? There is no need or motive to protect one’s life.”

Away from the table of counselors, the heads of cults have appointed a secret meeting. This round table in the shadows has seven chairs. Every authority has brought a copy of their own holy scriptures. They have all agreed on making a new sacred book. The book will contain only one chapter. And it should be inspired by elements of their cult beliefs. These elements will be featured only for the purpose of denial. The last verses were:

“In order to swim into the dark sea
In order to look up at the dark sky
In order to reach the fading astral object
We have to end our existence on this dying world
We have to end it for once and all
We have to leave soon”

To be continued.

Self.

Here she is, falling from the ceiling, falling from up above

With such intimacy and without the slightest hesitation, i have left them flow. Pure, naive, and kind were my words. Each word i have spelled made me closer to her. A moment of vulnerability that did not stop me from keeping the wound open. It has been so many decades, hundreds and hundreds, that i did not let myself flow uncensored. Since each day i have spent on this wrecked hole alone felt like a decade to me.

Her very long hair was falling on my shoulders. The softness i felt was fused with her enchanting sent. Her eyes suddenly started raining on me, very tearful red eyes. A thunder followed: A pouring of “I hate you” and “I want you to suffer”. She left herself being the victim of her own alienating impulses. A flood of anger and pain I thought. I am still lying on the ground while facing this unpredictable break down, a manifestation or rather an explosion of the frustration she was carrying. She had a great deal of hatred inside. She kept it inside whenever hands have stolen her purity. She kept it growing inside whenever her insecurities were a prey for mockery and arrogance. She kept it inside whenever her privacy was invaded… I have felt all that pain penetrating me. I gave it the permission to do so. I was bewitched i thought. Bewitched by love and care giving may be. I have welcomed her frenzy with an open heart. I was aware of my incapacity to keep sustaining a sane self. The collapse of my inner temple was a certitude because the entire setting of that experience was a vulnerable one.

The scenery kept changing; a very tiny space around her remained the same. After each transition she kept her firm hold on my corpse. I thought i was dying since we have traveled over all my past, all these images of my rotten life. Till this moment: I am now within the gazing of stars and the loud silence of the universe. Yes her screaming stopped, i hear nothing now. I guess every word she shouted was a curse. A spell that cut open my heart.

i knew in advance how much sensitive my unconscious was to negativity but still wanted to witness moments of my life unfold as i wanted to cleanse her from all that torment.

I have chosen a death that i wont regret. I wanted to disappear holding that memory. To die under her skinny shelter.

Self

The problem of life, part1

Life may be defined by death, to live is to not die, and to die is to not live anymore.

Side Note: Thoughts … Tonight and yesterday. The void.

Life may be defined by death, to live is to not die, and to die is to not live anymore.

But to really get the problem of life, you need isolation, you may be isolated while around people, but it is a bit harder to sustain and to make it happen. So to get the problem of life you need to be isolated for a while from human interaction. Get yourself isolated from social interaction for a while, in an isolated place where no one can bother your lone experience.

While thinking, try to locate your self, try to locate the consciousness of your self, after few minutes you will in a way understand what does it mean to be without three dimensions to define space you are in; To be means here thinking that you are.

The thing is now that you know that you are but you can’t specify where exactly, just think about hurting yourself and how much pain you are going to feel, the pain will make you feel like you exist in every portion of your body but in the same time not, somehow you are your carnal embodiment and somehow you are not, either way you are still alive;

What if by death, our consciousness that we do not have the ability to locate get freed from our body and somehow fuses with the universe, are we gonna feel pain whenever anything get crushed or bruised ?

Well as far as science goes, our consciousness of our self is somehow related to how we remember the story of our lives. Scientists try to limit our consciousness of the self by only a state memorized in our brain, our brain being a very complicated network of cells. Anyhow … Let’s imagine that in a second, we don’t have the ability to remember anything, but in the same time, we are, may be we will know that we are, if we stopped panicking and reflected on the matter, the thing is, in that moment, you just know that you are, so can life be reduced to that instant thought or gut feeling that we are ? but what if we are even after death, or while dying ?

The other problem is that life doesn’t need to be defined by self knowledge of life, if the self that lives doesn’t know that it exists, will it know that it died ?

To find a solution to the problem of life you need the courage to look for what is next, what is after life, and for that you need to end your life and see… till now no one that died came back and told us the story after death, this in case there is a story after death.