Drako Malfoy

I have always wanted to write my thoughts around Draco Malfoy but couldn’t dive much into it. May be of fear to ruin the image i have of him inside my mind and to my disappointment a bit of ink was spilled into this character on H.P. blogs which didn’t meet my expectations. To be honest i feel sorry and sometimes saddened that the H.P. saga was very underrated and i don’t know who really to blame. Should i blame the personal views of J.K. Rowling? I couldn’t because she is the goddess who created and let unfold the realm of H.P. Or should i blame this strange colored wind taking over the masses and by then making a very terrible job reacting to the story and its pillars. Without further due i will tell you how i see him in what follows.

The crucial part of the story which shed light into the heart and soul of Draco is the confrontation with the Dark Lord’s will. Here we see a very clear and distinct passage to adulthood, to take responsibility for one’s actions in a somehow apocalyptic tide of events.

Draco spent most of his life till now as an angry teen. I use the term teen here in its psychological context and not by means of sexual maturity. An angry teen in such a way defiant of authority and being strongly opposed to the moral system. Angry at the world around him and to the low standards of good will and pure genuine laughter. Wanting to magnify the name of his father and may be continue the legacy of the family. Mocking all those who are able to throw shades at his own ego and even punishing them. Somehow things started to change abruptly. Putting Drako on the spot, he is confused questioning his whole life.

What is happening, what is this… what is all of this darkness spinning upon me.

Yes, yes, yes… that is indeed the darkest of all times. Sorrow and fear were reborn: Behold, the Dark Lord has been resurrected: Death and suffering awaits those in his way.

Drako being a bit older now, sees his father more clearly, aging made the gap between father and son smaller.

I now can see my father clearly. One who was an idol in front of my childish eyes, now i see him weak and frightened like a lame rat. Do not misunderstand me, it is true that i despise his affection but now i can see. Now i see what awaits me. The weight i shall carry from now on is far much greater… If my father is shaken by this season of darkness, he who had far much experience in this rotting world, one who hold status and duty of the ministry, one who has seen clearly the happenings and might of our times. Now i see him falling.

While the Dark Lord advances every day in his malefic schemes, many meetings and councils were held. The ministry has been infiltrated and soon will bow down to Voldemort. Witnessing the pass time of the dark lord, the scent of blood in Malfoy’s mansion is now unbearable.

All these dark eaters around me makes me feel sick in the stomach. All these victims and dead bodies brought here are a true torment to my usual habits.

Here comes the time Drako will break down. Now the Dark Lord orders him one of the greatest missions of all times. To destroy one of the greatest idols of dark light. To kill the great magus Dumbledore. How can this student of magick kill such a man. One who hosted him and the whole masses of young mages for decades. One who never hurt him. How can he find the will to destroy this strange authority figure. Strange for sure since he is not your usual teacher or scholar. Powerful, twisted, hiding very well his evil second nature only for the sake of a greater goal. One who can see deeply into Drako’s soul and heart. One who once took the Dark Lord under his shoulder and brought him to become what he is now. A true incarnation of evil.

Drako while carrying this fatal mission secretly couldn’t take it no more. How come one spend much time and take lessons from the Death Eaters and not be affected by their charisma. How come one lose their pure inner child and student each night while submerging inch by inch his heart into the blackness of fate. He is now entrapped in the real world, no more academia no more games.

He is now the dagger which will stab goodness in the dark. This side of things is eating away his heart. But the secrecy around it puts it into an unbelievable weight. He is the traitor now and he can’t do nothing to escape from it. Under this fatal turmoil, his loving mother, his father and his teacher Snape want to assist him. They see him every day burning his innocence into becoming his darkest self. They know he is not ready yet and feel for him because they were in a similar situation working with the Dark Lord and being in his infernal presence. They know Drako couldn’t take it anymore. Even though, Drako keeps pushing them away, he both hates their pity and wants it so bad. He found himself burst in tears in a lone deserted bathroom. Never expected to see himself in such a weak spot, he hates his own weakness and still wants to carry out his mission. He doesn’t want to do it, he wants to do it, and he feels threatened to do it.

I must give big thanks to the actor in the H.P. series. Tom Felton played this part very well. I couldn’t see any other actor incarnate this role very well.

At times you might notice Drako help Harry. Also at times you might notice Harry help Drako. It seems very unexpected but somehow they are similar. Both have a mission, both are not mature yet for it, both have seen darkness and death right in the eye, both were in the presence of the dark lord. Both were surrounded by adult figures who somehow carried a similar fate and who can relate to the huge responsibility they are facing. Both of them have a raging war inside them, between good and evil, between darkness and light devouring their insides dawn and night.

What is amazing about the H.P. story is how in silence adults would help in the must dangerous situations those who oppose them. Only because all of them know what darkness is. They all know what the Dark Lord is capable of.

All of them know what will happen if chaos reigns.

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Get that naked arm out

Show that malefic mark

Snake and skull

Call the Lord of Darkness

Slaughter the idol

Call my name

And vow your servitude

Live in fear but obey me in loyalty

Each step you come closer to me

Is each step your soul perishes

Serve me

One who broke his spirit

Serve me

One who will become one with evil

Carry out your mission

And be one of my army

Slaughter Dumbledore

And we will create a new world

Slaughter your goodness

And you will reign with chaos

Now you can see

Only death remains

Now you can see

How lustful are the hues of mayhem

Wreak havoc

And i shall put you on a throne

Wreak havoc

And become your new self

Your truest self

.

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Self

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Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

.

.

what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

….

..
.

Self

Here i am here within

I sit on my throne and see

I set on the east and fail

I rise on the west and burn

I am king here, i am king of Hell

No one has ever walked on my lands

For my lands are lakes of fire

For my lands are the dwelling of the dead

Still, i am a false king

I am the false prophet

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

See up in the sky and look for me

I have slept with the northern star

I have left the castle of eternity

I ll rise again

And this time with no mercy

When the day comes look for me

When your death awaits swallow me

When you lose your faith caress me

They are not screaming for they are content

They are not crying for they have seen the truth once before

Do not let me fool you

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

Know who is your master and give in to me

Give in to my lies

Give in to my fake promisses

Give in to my lust

Fail your true light

For i am your knight

A headless horseman is my vessel

I am falsehood

Know your pain for i am near

Know yourself for i am here

Count your days for i am who will bring you down

Down to the kingdom of Hell

Listen to me and follow

For i am the false prophet

I hear whispers now

Tell them, tell them

I walk upon the earth

Self

A Play: The Closed Room

Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains

 

God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?

I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …

If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…

 

Act I

– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?

 

Act II

This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.

Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…

The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…

It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?

 

Act III

– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.

I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.

I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.

– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.

Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane

They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.

 

Self

Walking Towards One’s Death

There is nothing in the future
There is no tomorrow really
All is but a piling up of meaninglessness

The absurd is real.
The absurd is existence in itself

Many have written about happiness as a humane virtue
Most writers under the dark catalogue were known to not be miserable but rather successful pioneers of their life time
I am here to be a witness of the misery of being alive
This same statement is personal in itself indeed
For I have wandered on this land and wondered about social existence but I have found no remedy

I speak with the tongue of the romantic who have grown up only to believe that all these facades of reality are but in vain

Nothing to be extracted from this journey. I recall being a teen in middle school, I was asked to make a sentence in French so I told the teacher:

Since my childhood I used to spend a while from night time looking at the stars

So her cheeks turned red for her skin was white like snow then she replied with a tender smile,

Ah ! you are romantic …

I was so shy because I did not understand what it really meant but still I did not know what this word would bring me …

Nothing but suffering indeed

So I told myself that one’s only path is a journey towards death

This confession is ironic.

While conversations of strangers around me did not make any sense, they seem so focused and in agreement with each other about the importance of earthly matters. Why would someone make plans for his or her future for it means nothing really. Whether it would be a professional carrier or study. It just means nothing and does not need all the drama around it

I praised silence and despair
I stayed locked inside
For outside only brought me regret

Should I complain or not
Should I hold writers from the romantic era responsible of my own life
The only answer I hear whenever I go further in life, whenever I climb the steps of social/professional success

All of this is pointless

Walk towards your death son and pray your lord that he will not throw you to the eternal fire

For the judgment day is surely coming and you got nothing but your ego which will step on your soul and drive it straight down to Hell

 

Self.

The Inner Quake

Each night i see my end
Romance was a hidden faith indeed
A faith that i had to keep out of my inner tempel
Keep out the dreams keep out the delusions

Then inner quakes followed
Unknowingly i couldn’t stay still inside
For all the walls and gates weres collapsing
I wake up again
In night or dawn i do. It is dark indeed
The walls stood still. The sun is below the east and am lost indeed

What is this thing called life
Mine is so linked to these images i see now
I see myself flirting with death inside a car
I see terror pain and this time i am the one driving
There will be no tomorrow
There will be nothing new
All will remain the same
The veils are still covering the tragic end

There is nothing but only sole images of suffering
This world i see is a world of strangled emotions
I see throats opening to despair
I see lungs closing with no air

This is the end
But we ll let you alive this time
So you can feel the pain
Again and again
For you have left the right path

Self

Inner Experiences Of Intimacy

Why do i still see them as objects of my desire? I would look from a hidden angle to the natural beauty of their faces, stare, the way their lips move, the perfection of their nose, their male eyebrows, the shining hair… The vision is a cure in itself but sooner i would project my own negativity into imagining myself with them as two human beings who are experiencing unease.

Her because she does not recognize the happening as something that makes sense, thus should get back to her individual life, friends, family, studies or career. Me because of what i am experiencing internally. The destructive feelings are so strong, and thoughts are like whispers but somehow i understand what they are saying.

“You and her. Your dreams. You will never make it. Listen to the white noise that is inside you. It is just a mirror of nothingness. You and her shall not be. You are not…”

The feelings come into many ways of dark inspirations.

Either the feeling of an implosion but your shell remains intact. You feel it whereas everything inside get swallowed by a dark black hole. I cannot take it anymore…

Or feelings of a strong crushing inside. My heart, my lungs, my spirit being crushed inside. I cannot fake it anymore. That i am ok.

Intimacy is crushing me. I long for it each night so strongly, while i know it will lead me and deliver me to evil. That moment when you hear the wicked laughs. That moment when you feel possessed by dark archetypes. Once it was the persona of the mad joker who’s only thought was of throwing my self off the racing train.

I stood there. Feeling him inside me. Losing control of my limbs. Knowing each of his thoughts. Just jump, it would be super funny ha ha ha…

Behold. I can see a river. Its face is so calm and steady. Cold. A reflection of what’s above. The blue and white heavens. Feel it. Feel its coolness. You are the river. So big and wide that will make all your worries and black holes drown. You are the river…

Self.