Here i am here within

I sit on my throne and see

I set on the east and fail

I rise on the west and burn

I am king here, i am king of Hell

No one has ever walked on my lands

For my lands are lakes of fire

For my lands are the dwelling of the dead

Still, i am a false king

I am the false prophet

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

See up in the sky and look for me

I have slept with the northern star

I have left the castle of eternity

I ll rise again

And this time with no mercy

When the day comes look for me

When your death awaits swallow me

When you lose your faith caress me

They are not screaming for they are content

They are not crying for they have seen the truth once before

Do not let me fool you

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

Know who is your master and give in to me

Give in to my lies

Give in to my fake promisses

Give in to my lust

Fail your true light

For i am your knight

A headless horseman is my vessel

I am falsehood

Know your pain for i am near

Know yourself for i am here

Count your days for i am who will bring you down

Down to the kingdom of Hell

Listen to me and follow

For i am the false prophet

I hear whispers now

Tell them, tell them

I walk upon the earth

Self

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A Desolate State

i have lost the inspiration…
… all what i have wanted to say
where is the one i knew before
was it because you were so close to death
was it because you were an outcast from family
was it because of the feelings of guilt
was it fear
was it your ex who treated you like shit for years

you were whole
you were the one who could take a grip of my soul with your mighty fingers

now i have noticed you are more into the here and the now
you are so attached to your family
you are so attached to what a career seems like to you
you are so attached to the bricks our subdued society has built

The only thing that i have considered dear and a reason to live for is a female soul i would crawl into

i am not interested or attached to what most of humans on this materialistic world cling to

most of people would want a career, getting richer, seeking attention from the social scene and by then they would control and manipulate others to get what they want

but what for,

i have enough of this, i don’t mind spending the rest of my life with you

i don’t mind having a small income

i don’t mind not being attached or dominated by family or any social group

i  don’t want you to meet guys and think highly of them

i don’t want you to think low of yourself

you are a queen into my eyes

lets just be together and wait for our death

lets just eat, drink and sleep till the lord take our soul
i have nothing against your aspirations nor you
i just miss the one i hugged once
i just miss the one i kissed once
i just miss the one i felt so close to once

i still remember how special holding your hands was
i still remember how tight were your grips

if only i was not
if only i was a ghost

i am getting away from the Lord each night
i am sure he is watching my steps out of his light
i am disgusted by my self
of what i have become

but still

i try from time to time to repent

i try from time to time to change the way i see things

but still

our planet is a lone one
the sky i see at night is so mysterious
the animals birds insects, plants and trees are all signs for something much greater than my ego

something divine
something i did not find my way towards yet

since i am but stuck within my delusions of romance

if only she held me tightly
if only i felt her hands pressuring my whole body

if only i was squeezed and owned by her

i would breath heavily and just descend

descend the steps downwards the kingdom of hell

the place i got a glimpse of once as a kid
the place where we ll soon reside

all of us, deluded sinners

 

Self

A Play: The Closed Room

Prequel: Monologue behind fallen curtains

 

God, why have you made death so loaded with fear? God, why have you made death linked to a story of suffering? Why do we see most people before dying having the facial expression of pain? Have you made this design with the intention to keep our eyes focused in life rather than death? But still it is the most certain truth in this universe, that every thing or one we see has the ability to vanish and no longer be. My concern my lord goes with this extreme urge to leave this existence but still i cannot do it. Do you feel me God, do you know how much i ache inside?

I guess all of this is related to the dream i saw a couple of nights before. I wanted to cross the railways but suddenly the train came into my direction racing so violently, once i tried to escape it, another train came racing from the other direction, so i kneeled down in the middle and tried to hide in between under something. I felt the pressure of air in between the two racing trains. I was so afraid and did not think i would remain still in the middle. I thought i wld be crushed to death. Is this what do you wanted me to see? A train from life to death, a transition towards the end that is so hard to bear, and a train from death to life, another transition that is so hard to bear. God, you think i am stuck in the middle ? And that lung and heart pressure i felt in the dream, is it what i am experiencing recently? An extreme agony and despair …

If only you did not make the fate of self destruction an eternal journey in Hell. If only you have made death empty of suffering. I would have taken my life gladly and without any further delay … God, everything i see around me in this life you have taken the care to make easy for me are things i cannot relate to. EVeryone seems like they have important things to do and carry on living, but me God, why am i here? Waking up in the middle of the night like an insane. I am still awake in this cold darkness but cant go back to sleep. Thoughts and feelings of sorrow are so loud inside. God, I cannot relate to this physical realm nor social life nor professional life. Believe me with all due respect i am grateful for all what you have given me without any effort from my side. It is just that i am so weak and cant take it anymore…

 

Act I

– I want to meet with God.
– Who are you, you lower form of life?
– Since you are asking it means I am not speaking with God. But since you replied I will answer you. I, indeed, am a low form of life, thus I do not think I should be named. I believe I am no-one.
– Funny thing, if you are no-one why do you want to meet with its holiness. Before you even reply you should be more considerate when approaching any kind of answer. Think before letting words flow off your filthy facial opening. In case you won’t just vanish and save us the trouble. Don’t make it double Ha! Just vanish. You poor being, pathetic humans are always needy and noisy. I have got enough of your recurrent prayers and crying.
– I, no-one, I, no-thing, would welcome your threats with open arms. I know I am unable to endure a great deal of torture. But, I, dare you to try. Who do you think yourself you are ? To talk with me, no-one, under that tone and with such rudeness. I must slay you and make you beg me before my feet if I could. You are but a creation of God, as my self.
– How, poor human, could you use such a language addressing me in my presence.
– I ask God almighty to protect me from you. You must be a fragment of my inner voice, or may be just another evil spirit. You, vanish now. Again, and again, I will say it out loud and keep repeating my demand till the doors of the third sky would open and bring me what I seek… I want to meet with God. I want to meet with God.
I can feel a huge amount of a frightening energy. It is not dark nor evil but I can sense a presence. Something not human but highly powerful. Something alien to me is manifesting itself within this white closed room. What the hell? A white costume? An androgynous face! Wearing a white and classy human clothing. What a beautiful face. But how can this skinny, curvy and tall being, human-like, having a white hat hiding its right eye, the left eye looking down, can have such a tremendous energy? An attractive thigh on the other thigh, one knee on another, a very charming female posture. Who are you, beautiful being ? I know you are not human. Why do I feel such a fear before you inside this closed white room? Who are you?

 

Act II

This being did not move its head, they keep their stare lowered. They did not move their pale lips, yet i can hear them speak, talking to me i guess. What a strong voice. I can feel my whole inner tremble, similar to a church’s rings.
– Why have you made such a noise in the third sky? who are you, lower being?
– I, am, no-one. I, am, no-thing.
– Why such a neediness, why such a very low self esteem, why all of this drama and extreme demand for attention? You know, us managers of the cosmos and nature, are busy keeping everything in balance as God almighty has ordered us to do. We live to serve him but you are making us delay more important matters and other celestial affairs. What do you want and keep it short. Know that you cannot meet with God the almighty, though you can still pray, he will certainly and surely hear you.
– Why cannot i meet with God? i cannot go any further with all this weight i am carrying. I can no longer do this. I am going to end my existence.
– Poor human, that is indeed your own fate, why are you bringing your lamentation to my presence, me the white servant.
– I do not know how to do any thing else than crying my own sorrow to sleep. I have no where else to go. I have no one else to seek for my request. I cannot endure all this inner pain, the struggle is unbearable thus i want to quit life. This existence is so hard for me to experience.
– Poor human, it seems to me that you have lost your way. You are indeed lusting unknowingly after suffering. May be you are just insane. I won’t have pity on your soul. Go burn in Hell. Since i can smell how rotten has become your spirit of sin. You slave of your own carnal desires. You stink and it is driving me crazy. I have to vanish. I cannot be within the presence of such a lower form of life. You, no-one, consider yourself lucky for i did not slay you.

Thus the white being has disappeared. I feel so bad, i feel so bad about my self. My heart and lungs are crushing. I cannot even pronounce the word, i cannot say the name of the lord. Oh lord, what a cursed being i have become. Oh lord, i am so weak…

The closed room i am in is starting to lose its whiteness and i am beginning to feel like if the room is falling. It is falling, this feeling reminds me of an elevator going down below. The speed of the fall is becoming so high. I cannot resist the extreme pressure i am feeling right now! Oh Lord, what an amount of pain i am feeling right now. It is becoming so unbearable, may be i am dying…

It stopped. I am opening my eyes right now. To my surprise the white closed room is no longer white. It has become black. And behold, there is a red bloody creature, human-like, sitting in the corner facing me. Lowering their gaze wearing an evil grin. Their black lips are pressured by very long and sharp fangs. Those scary teeth seem like if they were covered by blood. The skin of this creature is dark red, and they are wearing a red human costume. Only the lips are black. I can hear them speak now, but all what i hear are babies crying. The pressure i felt before during the fall has disappeared but still, i cannot pretend that i am at ease being with this never seen before dark creature. The baby crying has stopped. Who are you, you red being ? Are you holding bad intentions towards me? Are you willing to hurt me ?

 

Act III

– Welcome to the third earth, lower form of life. This is a part of the underworld. We are sorry we have made you suffer on planet Earth. Actually, we have only whispered into your ear, you did believe and thus made your faith into your less importance greater. But trust me, your existence does not matter at all.
– Why are you explaining this to me, what is a no-being like me to you? i am indeed a no-thing that prays to be crushed and ended with.
-We, spirits of the dark, know you. We do value your suffering, your pain and sorrow. You are so pathetic. We intend to see you in more despair actually. Ha! We wanted to have a little fun with you here, or with what remains of you here. Me and other infernal incarnations like and enjoy seeing you in such a pain. It is so funny to see no-one take their own life. We believe it is so entertaining.
– Being the object of entertainment is your own business. Answer me, creature, why are you here?
– The question you should be asking instead is why are you, the no-thing here.
– I wanted to meet with the lord.
– Why so ?
– I couldn’t bear this existence, on this planet. It is so hard.
– What do you think will happen if you ever got the chance to meet with the lord ? You already stink of sin. You, no-one, know that the unclean is not welcome up there. However, you are here now right ? This is your place slave. Here down below within the third earth. Now stop speaking and know the value of your self. Accept it, feel it and believe in it deep inside you. Such inverted faith will come handy during your intimate moments of pain. Behold, i will carry you to your personal well. The well of despair. Follow me poor human.

I can no longer see the black walls that formed the closed room. I feel an extreme heat while i am still following the long oscillating tail that is in front me. Erect sometimes it slaps me so fast to bring me to the left path. I enjoyed those nostalgic hits for they have reminded me of my true nature, a slave of pain, me the no-one, me the no-thing.

I can see now the malefic well of despair. It is full of stinky swamp. I can see the chains waiting for me deep inside.

– Welcome, slave, burry yourself hear poor human. You can cry as long as you wish, you pathetic, shout for help if you desire since no one will hear you, or hurt yourself and weep continuously.

Welcome to your well of despair.
Erase all what you have left of dignity
Sink into the disgusting swamp
Lock yourself with those heavy chains
Burry yourself deep within
Suffer and self destruct eternally
You, no-thing, for you are indeed a failure
You, no-one, for you are indeed insane

They have vanished. I did as they have commanded me to do. I am down below the well crying my own agony and lack of might. From time to time feeling hurt keeps me conscious. From time to time i see up there and all i can see are black clouds and red lightening. I don’t know how much i can remain here. I don’t even know if i am still alive.

 

Self

Walking Towards One’s Death

There is nothing in the future
There is no tomorrow really
All is but a piling up of meaninglessness

The absurd is real.
The absurd is existence in itself

Many have written about happiness as a humane virtue
Most writers under the dark catalogue were known to not be miserable but rather successful pioneers of their life time
I am here to be a witness of the misery of being alive
This same statement is personal in itself indeed
For I have wandered on this land and wondered about social existence but I have found no remedy

I speak with the tongue of the romantic who have grown up only to believe that all these facades of reality are but in vain

Nothing to be extracted from this journey. I recall being a teen in middle school, I was asked to make a sentence in French so I told the teacher:

Since my childhood I used to spend a while from night time looking at the stars

So her cheeks turned red for her skin was white like snow then she replied with a tender smile,

Ah ! you are romantic …

I was so shy because I did not understand what it really meant but still I did not know what this word would bring me …

Nothing but suffering indeed

So I told myself that one’s only path is a journey towards death

This confession is ironic.

While conversations of strangers around me did not make any sense, they seem so focused and in agreement with each other about the importance of earthly matters. Why would someone make plans for his or her future for it means nothing really. Whether it would be a professional carrier or study. It just means nothing and does not need all the drama around it

I praised silence and despair
I stayed locked inside
For outside only brought me regret

Should I complain or not
Should I hold writers from the romantic era responsible of my own life
The only answer I hear whenever I go further in life, whenever I climb the steps of social/professional success

All of this is pointless

Walk towards your death son and pray your lord that he will not throw you to the eternal fire

For the judgment day is surely coming and you got nothing but your ego which will step on your soul and drive it straight down to Hell

 

Self.

The Inner Quake

Each night i see my end
Romance was a hidden faith indeed
A faith that i had to keep out of my inner tempel
Keep out the dreams keep out the delusions

Then inner quakes followed
Unknowingly i couldn’t stay still inside
For all the walls and gates weres collapsing
I wake up again
In night or dawn i do. It is dark indeed
The walls stood still. The sun is below the east and am lost indeed

What is this thing called life
Mine is so linked to these images i see now
I see myself flirting with death inside a car
I see terror pain and this time i am the one driving
There will be no tomorrow
There will be nothing new
All will remain the same
The veils are still covering the tragic end

There is nothing but only sole images of suffering
This world i see is a world of strangled emotions
I see throats opening to despair
I see lungs closing with no air

This is the end
But we ll let you alive this time
So you can feel the pain
Again and again
For you have left the right path

Self

Sword Of Dawn

I dwell inside this corpse
For i am the only one who will bring him down
To the rotten dwellings of hell
Agony should be his only path

Oh please lords of the heavens
(demonic mocking voice)
Shut all voices within
(demonic mocking voice)
Voices of evil
(demonic mocking voice)
Let them vanish by your mercifulness
(demonic mocking voice)

(growl)

Pray

By Venusian Cenobite @ 2016 (My Facebook Name)

Inner Experiences Of Intimacy

Why do i still see them as objects of my desire? I would look from a hidden angle to the natural beauty of their faces, stare, the way their lips move, the perfection of their nose, their male eyebrows, the shining hair… The vision is a cure in itself but sooner i would project my own negativity into imagining myself with them as two human beings who are experiencing unease.

Her because she does not recognize the happening as something that makes sense, thus should get back to her individual life, friends, family, studies or career. Me because of what i am experiencing internally. The destructive feelings are so strong, and thoughts are like whispers but somehow i understand what they are saying.

“You and her. Your dreams. You will never make it. Listen to the white noise that is inside you. It is just a mirror of nothingness. You and her shall not be. You are not…”

The feelings come into many ways of dark inspirations.

Either the feeling of an implosion but your shell remains intact. You feel it whereas everything inside get swallowed by a dark black hole. I cannot take it anymore…

Or feelings of a strong crushing inside. My heart, my lungs, my spirit being crushed inside. I cannot fake it anymore. That i am ok.

Intimacy is crushing me. I long for it each night so strongly, while i know it will lead me and deliver me to evil. That moment when you hear the wicked laughs. That moment when you feel possessed by dark archetypes. Once it was the persona of the mad joker who’s only thought was of throwing my self off the racing train.

I stood there. Feeling him inside me. Losing control of my limbs. Knowing each of his thoughts. Just jump, it would be super funny ha ha ha…

Behold. I can see a river. Its face is so calm and steady. Cold. A reflection of what’s above. The blue and white heavens. Feel it. Feel its coolness. You are the river. So big and wide that will make all your worries and black holes drown. You are the river…

Self.