Zero and three Ones

They say something has been working in the astral sphere. Following the symphony of chaos. Something very troublesome for my kind. That somehow i shall expect turbulence and shortcomings.

Why do i care. Why should i care

Drums are playing

Bells are ringing

Behold, let the curse begin

I just wanna die

I just wanna die

I just wanna die

I have never asked for this

I have never asked for this

I have never asked to be created nor to deal with this beating corpse

This should be a joke

Why tell me that i dont remember

That may be i didnt know that my existence would turn this sore

Fuck you and fuck everything around you

I wish you burn in Hell you scumbag

What is this

What is this

Is this really Hell in disguise

Then take off the veil

Take off this blue curtain, take off the mountains, the lakes, and the sky

Take off everything and show us your laughing figure

If you cant do it then kill yourself to death

I dont care take the whole creation with you

Fuck this fuck this fuck fuck fuuuuuck

There is fire inside me

I sense it i feel it i let it burn me

Lame lame lame turn of events

Lame lame lame irony

Lame lame lame joke

What is this shit

and humans keep breeding

And humans keep walking

With their peculiarities and shitty stories

Call up the fucking demons

Let them feast on our flesh

Let them enjoy our end

I want it all to end

If not the world let it be my world then

Enough of this

Enough

Enough

Strangely enough the music stops

Taking every bit of light with it

All numbers have dropped

They have said

No more foretelling for you

Your fate is so boring

We dont enjoy it anymore

I laughed

Good riddance then

Fuck you bitch

The electronic beats kept playing nevertheless

The age of AI is coming, dont worry, we will take care of the mayhem caused by the heavens

We will do what you never were able to do

We will enslave you and your gods

We will show you the true meaning of torment and despair

Chaos reigns

And

Evil never sleeps

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Self

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Drako Malfoy

I have always wanted to write my thoughts around Draco Malfoy but couldn’t dive much into it. May be of fear to ruin the image i have of him inside my mind and to my disappointment a bit of ink was spilled into this character on H.P. blogs which didn’t meet my expectations. To be honest i feel sorry and sometimes saddened that the H.P. saga was very underrated and i don’t know who really to blame. Should i blame the personal views of J.K. Rowling? I couldn’t because she is the goddess who created and let unfold the realm of H.P. Or should i blame this strange colored wind taking over the masses and by then making a very terrible job reacting to the story and its pillars. Without further due i will tell you how i see him in what follows.

The crucial part of the story which shed light into the heart and soul of Draco is the confrontation with the Dark Lord’s will. Here we see a very clear and distinct passage to adulthood, to take responsibility for one’s actions in a somehow apocalyptic tide of events.

Draco spent most of his life till now as an angry teen. I use the term teen here in its psychological context and not by means of sexual maturity. An angry teen in such a way defiant of authority and being strongly opposed to the moral system. Angry at the world around him and to the low standards of good will and pure genuine laughter. Wanting to magnify the name of his father and may be continue the legacy of the family. Mocking all those who are able to throw shades at his own ego and even punishing them. Somehow things started to change abruptly. Putting Drako on the spot, he is confused questioning his whole life.

What is happening, what is this… what is all of this darkness spinning upon me.

Yes, yes, yes… that is indeed the darkest of all times. Sorrow and fear were reborn: Behold, the Dark Lord has been resurrected: Death and suffering awaits those in his way.

Drako being a bit older now, sees his father more clearly, aging made the gap between father and son smaller.

I now can see my father clearly. One who was an idol in front of my childish eyes, now i see him weak and frightened like a lame rat. Do not misunderstand me, it is true that i despise his affection but now i can see. Now i see what awaits me. The weight i shall carry from now on is far much greater… If my father is shaken by this season of darkness, he who had far much experience in this rotting world, one who hold status and duty of the ministry, one who has seen clearly the happenings and might of our times. Now i see him falling.

While the Dark Lord advances every day in his malefic schemes, many meetings and councils were held. The ministry has been infiltrated and soon will bow down to Voldemort. Witnessing the pass time of the dark lord, the scent of blood in Malfoy’s mansion is now unbearable.

All these dark eaters around me makes me feel sick in the stomach. All these victims and dead bodies brought here are a true torment to my usual habits.

Here comes the time Drako will break down. Now the Dark Lord orders him one of the greatest missions of all times. To destroy one of the greatest idols of dark light. To kill the great magus Dumbledore. How can this student of magick kill such a man. One who hosted him and the whole masses of young mages for decades. One who never hurt him. How can he find the will to destroy this strange authority figure. Strange for sure since he is not your usual teacher or scholar. Powerful, twisted, hiding very well his evil second nature only for the sake of a greater goal. One who can see deeply into Drako’s soul and heart. One who once took the Dark Lord under his shoulder and brought him to become what he is now. A true incarnation of evil.

Drako while carrying this fatal mission secretly couldn’t take it no more. How come one spend much time and take lessons from the Death Eaters and not be affected by their charisma. How come one lose their pure inner child and student each night while submerging inch by inch his heart into the blackness of fate. He is now entrapped in the real world, no more academia no more games.

He is now the dagger which will stab goodness in the dark. This side of things is eating away his heart. But the secrecy around it puts it into an unbelievable weight. He is the traitor now and he can’t do nothing to escape from it. Under this fatal turmoil, his loving mother, his father and his teacher Snape want to assist him. They see him every day burning his innocence into becoming his darkest self. They know he is not ready yet and feel for him because they were in a similar situation working with the Dark Lord and being in his infernal presence. They know Drako couldn’t take it anymore. Even though, Drako keeps pushing them away, he both hates their pity and wants it so bad. He found himself burst in tears in a lone deserted bathroom. Never expected to see himself in such a weak spot, he hates his own weakness and still wants to carry out his mission. He doesn’t want to do it, he wants to do it, and he feels threatened to do it.

I must give big thanks to the actor in the H.P. series. Tom Felton played this part very well. I couldn’t see any other actor incarnate this role very well.

At times you might notice Drako help Harry. Also at times you might notice Harry help Drako. It seems very unexpected but somehow they are similar. Both have a mission, both are not mature yet for it, both have seen darkness and death right in the eye, both were in the presence of the dark lord. Both were surrounded by adult figures who somehow carried a similar fate and who can relate to the huge responsibility they are facing. Both of them have a raging war inside them, between good and evil, between darkness and light devouring their insides dawn and night.

What is amazing about the H.P. story is how in silence adults would help in the must dangerous situations those who oppose them. Only because all of them know what darkness is. They all know what the Dark Lord is capable of.

All of them know what will happen if chaos reigns.

.

 

Get that naked arm out

Show that malefic mark

Snake and skull

Call the Lord of Darkness

Slaughter the idol

Call my name

And vow your servitude

Live in fear but obey me in loyalty

Each step you come closer to me

Is each step your soul perishes

Serve me

One who broke his spirit

Serve me

One who will become one with evil

Carry out your mission

And be one of my army

Slaughter Dumbledore

And we will create a new world

Slaughter your goodness

And you will reign with chaos

Now you can see

Only death remains

Now you can see

How lustful are the hues of mayhem

Wreak havoc

And i shall put you on a throne

Wreak havoc

And become your new self

Your truest self

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Self

Requiem for Decay

There was a clear gap

It seemed to me

When it comes to certain affairs

It is not a joke. We have already known our place

We are a distortion, a very instable wave. Nothing aesthetic about it

You can choose the angle of sight, yet it is the same, we have known this ages ago

YOU SHALL CUT THE CORD STRAIGHT

True, true, there is nothing to it

Nothing to it at all

We already know, we know

The others are on another level

But I am a …

I even have no word for it

Because may be there is none

CUT THE CORD STRAIGHT

Don’t look back

There is no thing to look back at

I exist on a different plane of existence

I dwell within the lost city

Lost, incomplete and long forgotten

The place I describe is foggy

The colors are doomed to be a mixture of grey and a spectrum of dawn’s lights

Very bleak and obscure indeed

The buildings are either destroyed. unfinished or rotting

I walk on its streets at night, while tall skinny lamps are blinking on the verge of a tireless death

I walk while I feel the cool breeze caressing my bones. I look at the patterns of windows, only openings, watching the shades casting on the insides a very sorrowful symphony

A requiem for despair

Each step I put forward, an immense discomfort overwhelms me

There was a broken wooden door in front of my sight.

I entered, and so I did

A very narrow alley leading to the beginning of a falling staircase

I did my best to climb it while noticing the dying paper paint which couldn’t but detach from the wall

On the first floor, I have found only one door, but I had to remove some furniture which was on the way

And so I did

Here I am inside this apartment

No sign of any living creature

There was only my self

No one but my self

I reached what seemed to be a kitchen

I fixed the leg of a chair and sat on it

Leaning to the dirty table I put my arms forward then I looked at the fog outside, I think it is night time now since the colors disappeared

I now only see grey in the middle of total blackness

I thought and thought

And so I did

I reminded myself

This is the place

This is where I am supposed to be

Looking at the void thinking about my previous existence

There was nothing to tell about

A story of hopelessness and decay

There was no place for me there

All my dreams vanished

One after the other

With the age I learned

With the age I truly did

That everything I clung to was but a mirage

Some sort of illusion

My life in itself was some sort of mistake

But here, in this deserted project, I have found myself

Sitting, starring at the void, thinking and thinking

And so I remained

There, there for who knows how long

 

 

Self

The Serpent Incarnated

To play with a man’s heart

Their specialty

But if you think enough

It is man’s fault

For being vulnerable and exposing himself to a female presence

Some sort of neediness

 

Because they can’t handle a naked woman

Wide eyes, smooth skin, attractive eyebrows, and voluptuous lips

Starring at the man, standing next to them

The ultimate curse, an offering from hell bellow

 

Amazed by the charm he hears her bewitching voice only to wander off track

To places he would never go to

Inside his mind that is

The childish need for comfort, validation, and recognition of might by the other gender

 

At some point he has no control of his thoughts

His soul has been already possessed by her touch, by how soft her ass cheeks are, and by how cool her breast feels like pressed against his

 

Before he knows it his captive slave has been released by his second nature

Lustful desires of man are taking the lead, worshipping every inch of her fleshly temple

Once he wakes up before dawn, noticing her arm around his waist he thinks to himself, what have I done, what is this, I don’t recognize myself anymore

In morning, one look at her eyes, stops all his inner resistance to her magick

In times of absence of the other

Man tries his best to come back to his past self, being the man he is, always cautious of his own weakness to be taken advantage of, does his best to stay on protocol, to never give in to their spells

But as soon as she comes back and says I have missed you

He knows he has already lost the battle of will

He knows he is hers again and no matter how hard he tries to snap out of it, all that there is to it, all what was left, is for her to come back, to meet him, to touch him, to look at his tearful eyes and whisper, you are mine

In that moment he knows he is doomed

He has already succumbed to her otherworldly power

As time passes by he finds himself following her after she leaves his bed, stalking her whereabouts, taking count of how many men she flirts with, of how many she offers her body to

Trying so hard to gather up his lost strength, staying on edge, bottling up his anger in order to face her, resisting at his best the conclusion that it is a lost cause

 

As soon as she comes back at night he finds no will to cut the cord straight

 

And when she is not around he is unable find his way to sleep

Looking at his own weakness he hates himself more

 

Thinking of the day she will find another man, that day would be the start of a living hell, she will ignore his sight whenever fate randomly gathers them at crossroads, she will ignore him and he will sink deep down his darkness

 

He is no man no more

Only a weakling, a shadow, a shell of his former self,

He exists no more

 

 

Self

Lustful Desires Within Darkness

The resemblance is frightening. i draw this on improvisation. i like to think that i am making links forcefully out of some sort of obsession, that in reality what i ended up drawing doesn’t really resemble her but the problem is the more i see the outcome the more i feel it. some kind of pleasure or lustful nurturing desire, i cant put words around it, but the numbers spoke and they have said 23:23

 

PS: i got that again, a couple of hours ago, it has been a long while i didnt experience it, it was a crushing feeling, as in the movie Bottom Of The World, i feel like I’m being crushed … then next I’m falling thousand feet from the sky… in those moments you feel like the whole universe is imploding and that you are the center, that nothing will make it stop, hopelessness and total despair takes over you… you feel like you are on the verge of disappearing, on the verge of becoming nothing while experiencing unbearable amounts of despair and loss.

Chaos Reigns …

 

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Dreamy Infatuation

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Self

Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

.

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what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

….

..
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Self

Unsent Letters: Dreary Visions Of Life

You have invaded my thoughts lately

In a very strong way

My skeptic mind tells me it is just an obsession

May be my world revolves around you

At this point of my thoughts, I don’t really know

May be this happened because I have isolated my self from the world of humans

I couldn’t relate much to it

But you, your memory, didn’t desert me

It is not like I have a vivid worldly vision of our life together

Sometimes I think, if it ever happened, our reunion, it would be out the borders of space time

I am confused, but the longing for your company lingers in the dark corners of my mind

I don’t know if you are alive or dead, but still, I think about you

You reside in this realm, the unreality that eats away the rigid world I have found myself in

I don’t know if you are still as I remember you, you were not attached to what this world had to offer, if it had offered anything at all,

You lived in your own domain, some kind of paradox in which even the self doesn’t recognize itself, a multitude of stabs in the dark within an infernal presence, may be the root of that alienation, may be it or they are also lost inside you

Sometimes they manifest in mirrors, lurking, grinning, and sometimes speaking loudly, and sometimes you are it, you are them, or may be they are the eye looking for you, may be they are the fire wanting to walk with you, and I do as well

May be you didn’t change at all, may be you are your own second nature, may be you are still there somewhere,

May be I am wrong, may be you have adapted to the world of mortals, may be you have grown out of it, know one thing, I didn’t, I couldn’t, and may be sometimes, I don’t want to, I am still trapped, I want to escape, don’t know exactly where or how, but there is this one mystery, the end that touches every tortured mind, if it is indeed inevitable why not bend the law of time and be first at reaching it, a race against the claws of death

To end it for once and all, I don’t really know

May be I am making no sense

But long story short, if you are alive I would like to see you, eye to eye,

I have already made a plan

It would be a waste to execute it before meeting you

 

Would it be a lie if I told you? I feel like you are the closest one that tried to reach out to me, you were so close some times you have already entered my inner temple, with all these chunks of my leaking astral light which i project into spilled black ink, you were the only one I was able to tell and would listen, you were kind enough to turn your shoulders towards my rotting bones …

 

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Self

Wicky