Unexpected breeze

Sometimes our subconscious gets flourished by new experiences, however time can be a crucial factor that may prove the contrary. the contrary here is related to the extent to which good energy is affecting the mind, in other words, hope and faith in a more enjoyable occurrence of the new experience. But still, the contrary may not be real, because one should go back in time and dive more deep in the self, trying to look for the reason behind such an unexpected optimism. When i did, i have found that without being aware of it, the new experience was something that brought back a different kind of confidence, a confidence that was bruised, may be by lack of respect of outer anima. Moreover, the reason of such an abrupt perception swing, may be the noticeable difference between non-conscious dreams and reality. In contrast, one should acknowledge the possibility of perceiving reality as a good experience, thus, reaching a tranquil mind state.

 

Self

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Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry003

– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.

Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.

Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.

– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?

– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.

Self

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry002

– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.

Self.

Diary of an imaginary existence: Welcome to the Kingdom of Hell – Entry001

I might stab them to death if they are disrespectful towards my twin flame. i might get beaten up but i do not care as long as i find a way to turn their bowels out… And i will. It’s gonna stink and may make me puke down their throats. Swallow it now, pig. Don’t fuck with my twin flame again, try and be flirty with her now, look at you, a breathless corpse, so much waste. All this scenery is just disgusting. It stinks like Hell. She just stood there disgusted by what i did. I felt bad because she felt sorry for the guy. She should not have those feelings of pity for him. Only I deserve her empathy. But then i have no control of any thing. Even if i just took this filthy mouth’s life, it was all written before. I have only made my entry to Hell more certain.

A step closer to Hell is a step away from eternal rest.

My Deviant Self.

The Experience of Defeat

[…]

I woke up then slept then woke up then slept then woke up till the night and slept… My breathing became so slow i could barely move. My heartbeats were very quiet.

I have lost all the drive i had to push forward. I had the certitude that i cannot change or evolve in the future. I have canceled the plans i had for the future because nothing seemed interesting or worth of doing an effort for. i have no energy to be active. I have lost the drive for encounters too.

My dreams have lost taste and only seemed negative or pointless. If i cannot change i could not share the experience of life with someone. i would only be stationary or doomed. If i managed to meet someone i would stay silent for the whole time and question my decision of not staying in bed.

[…]

Self.