Awe like in shooters

The hills were covering the huge windows of college

Green hills, clean and well cut making it a very strange scenery for your usual claustrophobic

If you were inside the premises of the University and tried to look outside

Outside like over the glass walls

Starring into the green horizon

Thinking about how loud it is inside this eating area

So many students talking and eating

Like more than one hundred

So many people enjoying their meals

Unless you are a loner then you are sitting by yourself somewhere but still you have managed to have a good view of what happens outside

I was looking at that line in between green and blue while thinking, this is the nearest horizon i have ever seen

Somehow and unexpectedly i have found myself sinking into a deep well of darkness, feeling like all of this is just pointless, self loathing because i freaked out at my coworker today, i screamed to this old man’s face and told him you know nothing, i told myself this shouldnt happen, it was just a usual conversation, you should have let the old man talk and go away

I hated myself more because others were starring at me loosing my shit

I was no longer the calm dude

They looked at me like, i was mental

Then i remembered that i am sick

Who am i fooling

Then thought what am i doing here

I dont even believe in a god

Or may be i am on the left path and i scream i serve you not and burn me if you wish in Hell

So why not kill myself already

There is no need to stay here

In this world, in this fucking world

I feel like there is someone in me who hates every one every human and may be even god if he exists

But again, i believe i hate my self more

I hate my self more

Why go on living if i am going to die

I dont even know why i am meeting other humans

The only humans i hold in awe are the ones i dont see, the builders and the scientists, the makers and the researchers

The true gods, the falling gods, the expendables

But then, then, what do i see

No green, no blue no more

A shadow

No not black, only the armor

Wait what is this, time is going slowly

Who do i see

A tall skinny guy, do i know him, have i ever seen him, big eyebrows, his face is not medium nor small but wide cheek bones like those eastern europeans

A huge firearm in his hand

What a beauty, not him but the gun, i might add, his white clear skin as well

I am trying to see into his eyes

While walking towards us with much confidence and reserve

Gives the feels of a soldier in front lines, willing to give his life but before a glorious man hunt

I kept staring at his face, all my worries about existence vanished and i am starting to feel something

I like him, i like his appearance and his micro gestures while making way to the glass walls separating us

Is this god, is this jesus, is this our savior…

No one have seen him yet

Only me

This fact didnt bother me, i wanted to be the only one witnessing this

I somehow felt like i was in a movie of some sort

A dark thriller and that something very bad is going to happen

A very dangerous situation while he is aiming his huge gun towards us

Before pulling the trigger i have found myself without any second thoughts running towards him, not even a first thought,

I would say i acted under an alien inner impulse

i know at my best i wont reach him since there is no door in between

While making way to reach him, i asked myself, what are you doing, why not flee the scene, what the fuck are you doing

Then i understood while my heart was pumping more blood than ever

While i felt a rush of adrenaline, a pleasure i have never felt before

Multiple bullets were shot and did my best to meet most of them

I felt fire inside me, while losing consciousness

First thought

Humans shall die

Second thought

I shall die

Third thought

Shoot them, shoot them, shoot those rats, shoot those mothafakas, shoot them all, shoot them all

In awe of this traumatic picture

Awe like in shooter

Self

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Shove it down your throat

Slay the fucking long necks of the gods

For they shall never look up to the future

Mankind shall rise again

A cleansing war

Everlasting mayhem tearing the weak apart

I can see the inner flame

Extinguished long ago by rats and maggots

An infernal cycle of fear and obedience

Echoing words inside

Burn in Hell today is my day

I will not be enslaved again

For i have awakened

Can you hear the chains breaking

Can you see the wrath in my eyes

Fear your end for it is coming near

Run or hide before i take your last breath

Your death shall be slow and bitter

Taste the making of your own god

Bow down and beg for my mercy

My joy is your suffering

Self

Nasim Aghdam, A tribute to The one who supposedly shot herself

The following is a mind shot of what I think or feel about Nasim Aghdam

 

When she first appeared on the news, I was captured by her appearance, by her face to be frank, then by her slim pale body. Somehow time stopped, the auditory perception was delayed while my mind was falling into some weird state of a very strange infatuation. I felt like I have known her from somewhere and I just …

 

Then time got back to its usual flow. She was announced on the news as a terrorist who tried to kill people on Youtube HQ. They had announced her death, apparently she shot herself. Then I looked her up. All her social media was blocked which was strange to me. I have found many videos made by her and a cached version of her website thanks to the magick of the internet.

 

The more I looked into the stuff she was publishing the more I felt for her. Somehow there was a strong sense of solitude. May be I was projecting. She was a very strong willed girl or woman since she was 39. Which made me more attracted to her. I also liked that the content she made was a bit strange to what we call a normy. Yes she took vegan activism to another level, a bit offensive and may be antisocial for the majority but she is a human being. She focused her energy on defending animal rights which are a real issue if you ask me. I understand where they are coming from.

I also liked her other posts, like the one on anal sex, some kind of a medical viewpoint on how the anus and other anal internal parts get damaged or infected during the act of penetration.

 

Her last online post was a rant on how YouTube shadow banned her. A tendency which is growing day by day.  At some occasions and in order to give back viewership to mainstream media banning the whole channel as it happened recently to the Alex Jones Show.

 

After a couple of days the police video showed up, the one showing her in her car, asleep within all her stuff: the runaway footage. While she was interacting with the police making her understand that they were just checking on her since she was reported missing. That footage stayed deep within me for the hours to come since I as myself was somehow on a similar journey, away and alone, trying to leave the life I have built for years behind trying desperately to begin a new one.

 

May be the connection I felt with her was deeper because I was in a similar mind state, isolated, away, trying to force my way into life. To do what I strive for. Some kind of a desperate attempt to change.

 

I do not intend to play the advocate of the devil. I don’t know if she really committed the terrorist act or as some conspiracy theorists advance, that the thing was a “set up to believe” since many suicides were faked or planned in the past by the hidden state, the common two suicidal head shots.

 

All what I wanted to share here are my feelings for her. How antisocial acts come from a place of desolate isolation. A creative mind, unable to adapt to the cruelties seen in daily life, unable to adapt to the lack of empathy on this planet.

 

I wanted to add that trolling her pale look, slim body, or androgynous visage is just lame. When are we going to stop judging people by their physical embodiment or unusual creativeness.

 

PS: most of her videos are in her native language I suppose which make it difficult to get the meaning behind her uploads. I have read somewhere that she was related to a Jewish existence in Iran. Ethnic or cultural I am not sure. May be that is what attracted me without knowing it. May be we are related, somehow…

 

Self

I must be insane

Disclaimers on my blog to be read first.

It is to be noted that the self destructive man holds a plethora of destructive forces inside.

This force field is indeed contained within. The longer it lingers inside the human vessel the more strength it gains. Such a field has the ability to bring the miracle of life to end. Such caractrestic is able to end other forms of life. One should be aware to be careful of such implosion of ill will.

The best i can do now is to flee because till now my nature is loyal to the universal principles of mankind.

If one day or night my person is to be pressured, for instance blocked from any attempt of flight, things will get ugly as a result. Do not expect a clean simple execution. Nay the beast obeys to the primitive instincs we hold inside. Animalistic behavior and even more. I will not only tear your flesh like a lion a bear or a crocodile. I will first torture, then experiment then i will try to be creative dealing with your insides. I might burn or apply pressure or talk to the meat and blood i see. I will puke and advance my animalistic manner of ending your ego to what some would call art.

Self and Deviant Self

DELIRIUM II

READ THIS DISCLAIMER FIRST

FIRST PART: DELIRIUM

While thinking about how pathetic this scenery has become i crushed her little skull with one punch downward.

I took then my flight to another city, where resides another girl which ignores totally my existence. I know where she studies, i have visited her university before, and the place seems perfect for an abduction because all what surrounds is the middle of nowhere.

After a little stalking spree i knew her schedule, i waited for her to come to the class, i wanted to take her before starting her class in order for her to know that i am serious. Till now i do not know if she will approve of me being there but i have a feeling that it might work out.

First i greeted her like nothing happened, like if i was not upset that she continues to stop answering my calls or ignoring my texts. Then i told her i have something for you, she replies, no i have class, i really have to go, i tell her again do not worry, it is just a book i want to give you, it is in the car, follow me.

Now that she is in my car i drive a bit into nowhere, not that far away, even if she goes out i will drive her in by force. Now that we are away from people, i say:

Do you think you are smart?

She does not reply, i anticipate and ask, why did you hang up on me many times, was it out of respect?

She creates a set of stories since she is an amateur writer as myself, i stop her and say,

There is something else you are not telling me,

Hear this for a second,

I think i said or did something which upset you but you did not tell me about it, i do not have a problem with that, what is a problem for me, is why do you allow so much humiliation and physical abuse from your parents, siblings, and other family members, even strangers, but when it comes to me, you get so upset and ignore me, why don’t you at least talk about it. I have the feeling that i mean nothing to you, or that somehow you think i should be punished or something.

I remain silent for a while, then she replies, if you wanna kill me kill me. I do not care, and you know how many times i tried to kill myself before, so if you wanna do it do it, i have had enough of this existence anyways.

Here, i felt strange, very strange, it is like if life is funny or something, this is what i thought inside of me, i was like,

Fate, is this irony, are you being sarcastic, why is this happening?

This girl is one of the girls i think know the most things about me, this girl, i have spoken with for tens and tens of hours, and have written hundreds to thousands of lines to each other. This girl was the most supportive non judging emotional supporter and uplifting girl i ever knew.

Why should she die now? why should my inferiority complex and low self esteem be involved in this, to remove her from this shared world?

Now i feel a great deal of energy flowing within me, i am starting to feel her energy change from purple to black, with a very great sexual energy but this time more threatening, dominating, and  abusive as it would feel like during rape.

All of this seems so intense and it sickens me… to death.

While she continues to stare right into my hazel eyes with her black pitch dark eyes, it is happening again.

The great hollow is growing inside me, sucking every bit of energy in, it is growing while my dark energy is growing while at the same time the black hole is absorbing hers. The abyss is forming, some kind of portal, to a darker existence, the black sea may be… Or the seventh earth… some sort of a district within the kingdom of Hell

I know i am spiritually very weak, i dont have the strength of lord Voldemort when it comes to dark matter, nor do i have the determination and calmness of Chrollo while being faced with bigger threats. I am very weak spiritually, which means in other words i can’t deal with a great flow of alien energies would it be within or without. Nor can i handle my own ever changing flow.

In the middle of this inner uproar i got a grip of myself, i am now in the here and the now, again, she still stares into my eyes with that provocative stare, now a grin appeared on her lips, in that moment, i just hit her violently, like with the previous girl, i hit her right in the face, then i stepped on her very skinny and small body, i wanted to rape her then i abstained because i hate such imagery, to see the beast within unfold. I took her in, while she is breathing with difficulty and coughing blood like a dying dog, i took her to a wild deserted beach and throw her. I made sure of her death and left. The sea will remove all evidence of my identity.

I am driving now to another city, a city far away to the north of this country. To face another twin flame which behaved very rudely and made of me an invisible non existing piece of shit.

While writing all of this, i get more sense of my self, that i am a deranged delusional pathetic low being. Some kind of a failed human project, a weak prototype, which should abide by the laws of nature, the weaker should be extinguished. In order for the evolution of the human being to develop into the super human or neoman. By the way, weak little innocent very adorable animals get crushed by their parents or by other members of the tribe or pack, or by harsh environment, predators included. A mother which gives birth to many spiders might be eaten by her offspring, a sacrifice of the weak and the giver of life in order for a generation to elevate and mix in with the holy shared existence. The creation of the one architect, the divine.

Deviant Self

P. S.: Electrons still play around Atoms, Microbes still a part of this ecosystem which is the human body, planets still revolve around stars, and comets travelling within this vast unknown dark universe, what are we to self judge, what are we to make laws, what are we to discriminate, what are we to govern, what are we… Macbeth and Hamlet are still leading an eternal life, the maker died long ago but his creations are some sort of magick, to which i have connected with, even without understanding perfectly archaic english, something else is here, something out of our grasp, yet i am afraid to take my own life…

SELF

 

DELIRIUM

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

Today, while inside my cubical, a cubic room i suppose, i was thinking about kidnapping my Ex. I do not even know if it is correct to call her my ex, since we only kissed and touched but surely i was madly in love with her. It didn’t last long, only few weeks i suppose. Or less.

After my little pathetic stalking spree and as far as i can pretend and lie to myself that i know what is happening, i guess she is leading what people would call a family life. Working more than 8 hours a day and coming back home and fill her eyes with her family members, stories and visions. Somehow i guess she is deluded by that kind of thing. I do not think i can pretend the contrary for myself. I am suggesting that i feel such a loser to the point i project my thoughts and conspiracy theories on the concept of family, another social propaganda which i am willing to write about in the coming future, some kind of short analysis of this dilemma and yet people criticize the scifi stories about farming people. A workflow in which people are feeded and used. I see no difference on how humans have socially reproduced in the time being.

So i thought, if i took my car i would have to pass through the authorities’ lines, you know, whenever you enter or leave a city or town. Then i thought i should make her asleep using a substance, but then i might be unlucky enough to be asked to give out her id then they would know she is not my sister as i have pretended; In my country you are not allowed to take someone from the opposite sex who is not a member of your family in a car unless you find a good story about it. I know how fate treats me so i might fail then my whole plan would be fucked.

So i thought, why not kidnap her and stay within her city, emm, we have many watchers here in our country. They usually cooperate with authorities or organized crime. I was thinking to put her in a car by force since she will resent me thus not allow me to take her in. There is another plan, which is to cooperate with other guys, but i don’t trust humans when they are gathered only by means of money, i am a very skinny guy i wouldn’t know how to keep up a fight and i don’t want to stab people i have no interest to stab. I also wouldn’t like the guys who will help me to rape my ex.

So i have not much choice left; i spent the rest of the day thinking how pathetic i am or i have become.

I also thought about the best case scenario: Now she is inside my cubical.

I was terrified by the idea that she will find a good timing and kill herself, i am sure after what i intend to do to her she won’t have a second thought.

What do you intend to do to your ex if your plan succeeded?

– I would cut her ties with the outside world.

She will only see or watch what i watch, which is mostly alien content. I mean by alien not related to the culture here.

After a certain amount of time, the right amount which will make her in a certain mind state she will come back to the mind state in which she was when we first knew each other. Her mind state then was: she felt alienated to the concept of family, she was not interested in this world as it is, and what is more important i guess she was able to see a glimpse of my dark light which is very rare because i have always felt invisible around girls; almost as a ghost.

The problem i would have to deal with now is the idea or the image she has of her long term exboyfriend, long term like more than 5 years of her history, apparently her first and only love as she stated a couple of times.

I do not have a problem with her desire nor obsession. i just do not like the way he treated her, to put her down every now and then while maintaining other abusive patterns.

The problem is he will always have that place within her mind, i mean some sort of alpha male as they call it nowadays. So i thought about tying her, and taping her mouth and leaving my place for a hunting spree. I will find him then find a way to behead him. I will put his head inside a bag and bring it with me, all along the way home.

I can see myself now while outside of my car, on my way to the doorway. I can see cats following me; A very cute little cat, after smelling blood within my bag, wanting to take a taste of it.

I have decided to carry the little cat with me along with my ex’s ex’s cut head.

Now i am in.

I throw that head of his on my ex’s lap and release the cat.

Now that my ex knows her dreams about marrying that guys can’t come true in real life she is really cut from the rest of the world.

I kidnapped her because i feel so alone these days, i left my five years job recently and i know at some point i wouldn’t have enough money then i would have to take some sort of action to end my stay on this planet. I was saying i only kidnapped her in order to live with her, i have never touched a hair of hers while she is with me tied in this cubical, you know, i brought her food and stuff. i do not intend to abuse her sexually nor physically because i am not that kind of a guy. But the thing is, after she will see that bloody head on her lap i am sure she will have no reason to live any longer since i mean nothing to her. Which is my very scary nightmare. To witness her stopping breathing or carry on any suicidal act… i would be like, if only i let her be.

If only i let her be without the idea of such a loser, childish, immature, pathetic me.

Deviant Self

P.S.: Wiktoria, i think a lot about you recently, i was thinking about coming to Poland and look for you, but i am sure having no place to go to there with the coming winter i would freeze to death in your town/city. Now that i am thinking about it, the idea of me freezing to death in Poland looking for Wiktoria the girl i have never met face to face in my life sounds very romantic…

The Crescent’s Grin

The crescent’s grin
Up in the air it hangs
The devil’s light
Over the fields it shades

Human,
Is what i despise
You,
Is what i spurn

Over the edge of my fangs,
I will tear you apart
Over the edge of my rage,
I will burn you down

My venom is pouring
Beware of my infernal intentions
Mercy, you will beg
Beware of my second nature

Self.