Here i remain alone

Here i remain alone

Would i ever want to meet God

Would i ever want to feel being near The source of divine light

The godly spirit

The godly word

The godly breath

The godly figure

Creator of souls i ache to reach

Creator of life and death

The lord of suffering

The lord of destruction

The lord of mercy

Here i am alone in sin

Here i plunge deeper and deeper

I am the swamp

I am the pitiful

I am the recluse

Self

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I am fading

Let this pain i am breathing

To be the sequel to Hell

A paradise full of thorns

Where i cannot move freely

But crawl to my bed

What i am living now may seem as a torment

But because i ll burn in Hell

It should be heaven

Heaven because i can still walk through images of pain

Heaven because i can still destroy myself at will

Be sure i do not want a duel with God

Be sure i do not want to be another adversary as Lucifer

I am only a self which couldnt let go of his weakness

Stubborn but pathetic in front of the godly figure

I am making my way towards the eternal fire

The same dream i had when i was a kid

Looking from above to the kingdom of Hell

These tears i am shedding are pointless

For i have neglected the word of God

I am ashamed but still struggling to wake up for another day

May be i ll manage to find the holy mountain

The cliff that will set me free from my suffering

The cliff that ll open the gates of Hell to me

The cliff that would be the last touch of paradise

Paradise i am living now

The one as my execution chamber

Self.

Without Compass

Need you

Touch me

Pressure each finger and your palm on my male breast

Let me follow the invisible lines of your black and red finger nails
Press them again on me while going all over my arms

Let me hear your breathing while being so near to me

Caress me with your long hair while whispering my servitude to you

Let me dream, alone on my bed

I have lost my compass and only long for a faceless being

Who are you

No human identity behind the presence i wish to summon

Will i ever be able to live these moments

Moments in bed

Cool nights and cool early mornings

I wake up before you

Glorifying your enchanting sleeping beauty

I ll serve you all my life

Only fear will stop me

But if you discover my hidden buttons

I would sacrifice my life for you

For i am no thing

Self

A story of pity

I have found myself thinking a lot about a girl. I used to call her in the past she never answered. Or she would pick up the phone and tell me she ll call back but never did. I met her in December two years ago. Today i sent her many texts. I was afraid to call her cause whenever i did i would feel the phone app blocking me after only one beep. I just thought of never contacting her but then i have felt a primal fear of her being angry at me. I am stuck.

I tried to meet girls in between but they would only reject me or ignore me. I tried facebook i tried strangers outside or on train. I tried girls from places i went to regularly who shared the activities i was involved in but there was nothing in the outcome of such attempts.

Thus i am invisible.

Thus i am nothing.

I wished i have considered myself ugly because it would make it physical. It would be easier to bear. I still think of my self as an ugly young man but my pride or rather selfcenterdness or may be i am too selfish to succomb to such self statement. I still like to think very low of myself but it only serves the pleasing pain of self degradation. Since i am in love with my reflection on the mirror even if selves from my past would disagree.

I wished i had no money because it would make it easier to bear. I would think girls have the right to abstein from guys with no cent in their pocket. But thank God i have found a hole in society from which i feed.

Last time i met her was this first April. Lets call her M. When i met M last time i was so in awe. I loved everything about her from her voice to hair to eyes to eyebrows to her beautiful hands and waist and legs and thighs and and and … i was so enchanted and i do not know why.

I still wished today and in the days before if i had a chance to travel to Poland. Only to escape my loneliness. Only to prove to myself i am not a ghost. Only to stop the vicious cycle of pain or unrequited obsession. Wiktoria is in a relationship with her guy but still i longued for her. I wanted to see her and to talk to her. Since i never did. We only talked once through this human miracle called the Internet which made souls communicate occross a multitude of lands and seas. I do not think i can look into her eyes from fear to succomb to her charm. Then i felt afraid that the girl i am obsessed with would know my thoughts about Wiktoria and then be angry at me.

Still, i wanted to travel to Poland. Wiktoria is the girl who insipired me to write the northen tales. But she stopped talking to me. I understand her case cause she is with her guy.

But why M? the girl i am so infatuated with does not react to my messages nor reply to my calls. Why all she thinks about is her career and family.  Why she only reacts when i delete my facebook and gets so mad cause she thinks i blocked her. She has the right to live her own life as she wishes. But i have this fake belief in romance. That another soul should be our only reason to live till we meet the lord in heaven. Or never see his face thus reside suffering in Hell.

I am a selfish person.

I have many and very antisocial thoughts. Which i want to write about but i am afraid God will be angry at me. I am also afraid people would judge me.

I hate people preaching about happiness.

Sometimes i hate myself as well but it has been a long time i did not because of medication i guess.

I still believe in the delusions in romance.

One day i ll be able to create an imaginary lover and live with her till i die.

In the meanwhile i kiss my hands before i sleep and after i wake up cause i live alone and think all the time about M. I hope she would reply and tell me to never bother her again. If so i would keep on my escapades to the realm of unreality and meet the polish girl Wiktoria. She seems the only one who is kind enough to let me dream and kind enough to share with me her dark parallel existence.

Wiktoria i wish you a happy life. And M the girl from the suicidal chapters i wrote once about as well.

I love a couple of birds on a nest next to my window. Very charismatic parents and very cute lovely babies. They have three children. Still did not learn how to fly. I wonder if they ll make it one day. To fly.

Self

The Aloneness Of The Human Being

{Summary}

– Introduction
– Irony of terminology
– Birth
– The aloneness of the couple
– The Aloneness of the human race and of planet Earth
– Aloneness and the challenge of transcendence

{Introduction}

The human being is an alone being. They might feel lonely or may not. Thus it is fair to be aware of the difference between being alone or feeling lonely. The latter is not the concern of the following analysis.

It is true that humans till now due to their limitations in relation to perception, and I mean here the general public, have not succeeded into agreeing on the other forms of existence that a human presence may take. Thus I must only use the concept of the physical embodiment in order to give you an instance of how a human is alone. It would be fair to add that I might include other abstract concepts for my analysis.

{Irony of terminology}

It is strange that it is rare to find a definition of the word alone without it being linked – The nature of the link being a negation- to another concept.

However, the first experience of the human being is a lone and sole one – that is consciousness-. Not related to anything else but the self. Not related to anything but the letter I. Following this way of thought one might think that the definition in itself of the word should represent its own concept. To be under the form of: a term to term definition, instead of negating another experience that is togetherness.

Since the experience of aloneness is a unique experience and does not need anything else to be defined upon it. To be alone is to be by one’s self. Sadly enough – I might grab your attention herein to the irony of this occurrence – in most cases (social interactions for instance) this experience is very much mistaken and suffers a great deal of stigma, ignorance and shame. Usually, this happens, in confusion with the feeling of loneliness. The irony being the possibility for other terms to suffer the same shame as their fake synonyms. Which is a very superficial and blind, rude and judgmental social approach.

{Birth}

Since there is much debate about gender these days I will use the term *They* or *Their* instead of it, he or she when I mean a human.

The human being as far as their memory or social knowledge can go, starts their journey inside the mother’s womb. I mean by social knowledge the shared memory of relatives, or health care officials of the moment of birth or of the experience of being and growing inside another body. One might think that the experience of the human being is related to others because they are somehow the offspring of two persons, or may be that the experience of being nurtured inside another human is a unique experience of togetherness. I understand this point of view but I cannot stop myself from thinking that it is somehow meaningless. For instance, does the mother know exactly what her baby is thinking, or if they think or not think at all. Is the mother able to translate any will of communication after birth of the child, is she able to feel exactly his needs and directly translate them? I know that some mothers have a strong intuition but it is neither a translation nor a direct understanding of the needs of the child. It is only some kind of knowing that does not involve the being of the child fully. It is a lone capacity in itself: To know what your kid or baby wants and does not involve in any way their own consciousness. Since the baby is an alone being from their first birth and before as well.

Let me represent here some of my thoughts on the process of creation of the human being and its relation to the experience of aloneness. Again, let me remind you, as mentioned before in the introduction, that I am only basing my analysis here on the agreed upon inner experiences of reality. I did so in order for this modest writing to be an input for critics to the general public including atheists or agnostics.

They go as follow,

I am. I am inside some thing. I am inside someone. But still I am alone here in the darkness of the womb. I need to eat. I am born. I am out in the world. I am born. I cry. I stare at my surroundings. I am alone. I am lifted by this person I do not know. I am forced to call her mother. But I don’t know her.

Short Analysis,

The human being after attaining consciousness, if it occurs of course, does not stop by expressing internally all his thoughts by the term I. They are concerned and are conscious of each segment of awareness – Whether being based on their needs or just by their perception-. So from birth the human being is experiencing aloneness and somehow should make their journey on this planet pretending to be related to people they have never knew or seen before.

{The aloneness of the couple}

I need to specify first what i mean by a couple. First of all, one of my motivations or rather reasons for writing this short analysis is the experience of intimacy we see in unique relationships.

I mean by unique, an experience that is not superficial: An experience of togetherness that is born from deeper matters.

I exclude here couples who agree on being together just to do as society pressures them or inspires them to do. Especially the popular phenomenon we notice on the media. Any relationship related to appearing cool or attending to the trends of attraction in the public scene: Some kind of blind imitation or shallow copycat. This latter is not the concern of this writing.

However, the context in which dwells our concern for intimacy does not have to be emptied from any kind of affinity for personal aesthetics or social exhibitionism. In other words, it should not be the main reason for the bond. Since the root of such matter should be profound and might even be – under another context – of an otherworldly nature. On the other hand this otherworldliness may be just the amplification of certain human emotions and somehow the suppression of other ones.

In the sake of semantics I would like to mention that what people would name love or lust or any term under the same umbrella may align to what I am willing to discuss in the following.

I think the best way to share my thoughts on the aloneness of couples is by getting the reader involved into an imaginary process under the form of a little story.

Feelings, possessiveness, and desire

– X and Y are in mutual love and lust.

– Y loves X selfishly, wants her only for himself and X does the same.

– X wants to be Y’s only and Y feels the same.

X and Y – being two alone persons – have their own lives. When they live their individual lives they are both conscious of their aloneness. Asynchronous availability of both of them is the proof of their individual aloneness. But when they share space and time things happen.

A moment of togetherness (of the two bodies).

– Y may take X into his arms while X will let herself being taken by him.

– X being in total submissiveness, awe, and under the charm and the aura of her lover, loses herself in an instant off time.

– X experiences Y in what might be similar to the dream state. Those dreams when you are only a watcher. You are the all-knowing eye but you have no physical or any other kind of substantial presence. You are omnipresent.

So the question is: Is that moment, being fully present, a breach of the aloneness of X? Is it really a moment when she is no longer alone?

– X is still conscious but her inner is filled more by the presence of Y.

– X melted into the presence of Y and Y is able to see her dissolve into him. It only makes him fade into her dying sleepy stare.

Whereas that exact moment of togetherness, of intimacy, is somehow off time and space, but is it really off their individual aloneness?

I might state that this is still difficult for me to think through. However the only thing I can say is:

X and Y, as a couple, are alone in that exact moment: An alone entity. Whereas the entity being a mixture of two astral bodies in awe and submission to and for each other.

{The Aloneness of the human race and of planet Earth}

The human race – alone in its intelligence amongst the rest of the known species in the animal kingdom – are the only ones who have maintained a history and even developed their civilization and technologies to a greater level to the extent of living out of their environment that is the land or ground.

Thus the human race are an alone species when it comes to comparing them with the other forms of lives on planet earth.

However, and very rarely, humans stop for one moment and think deeply about this aloneness on the planet. No other equal species. They live on their own.

No way to communicate with other species: Only theories or simulation of mutual understanding. However in reality the animal kingdom is a kingdom that is also on its own. It belongs to nature as a scenery forming the environment for the lone human.

Thus planet earth till now is the only planet supporting life. Imagine one planet spinning in the middle of darkness, where there is no sound, no light, nothing. Our planet being an alone one in its uniqueness.

Humans are indeed magnificent beings because they have managed to penetrate the physical constraints of air, ground, and seas.

In our millennium humans are doing multiple research studies, experiments and inventions in order to visit other astral objects. But for what really? Isn’t it obvious that the human being should stop looking, stop reaching out to the unknown and to the dark? For the human is a lone being, sole and living on its own till death proves us wrong if it does?

{Aloneness And The Challenge Of Transcendence}

Before advancing my theories or thoughts, I must remind the reader, that this whole writing is an object for constructive criticism. Since it will enable me to rethink and do more research to see the problematic from another perspective and even publish other editions of the actual writing.

Penetration of the aloneness by the supreme, unknown or divine: The experience of transcendence.

This part is just an opening for further writings and should be considered under the attention of the reader as a preface for another take on the issue of aloneness.

Transcendence can be seen as a spiritual experience since the being of the spirit – under different theological contexts – is a mean for communication with the divine. It can also be considered as the manifestation or rather the discovery of and connection to the root self. That is the astral body of the human being.

Apparently there are stages for the alone human being to go through before reaching that phenomenon. The stages being related to the elements of earth, water, fire and air, then divine light. A struggle in between the earthly body, the heart and the mind in order to experience one’s spirit and then the supreme and higher intelligence. A discipline of purification of some sort under divine care from the chains of the human ego.

Divine light might shed on the alone human being making him vulnerable to the experience of what’s above the limits of his own and lone experience of his self. Thus being aware of the divine light that was kept inside, folded and hidden.

You can now ascend to the heavens, to the upper sky and go through the other realms.

Here comes my wonder: Will the human being, under this spiritual transmutation, be broken from the chaining cage that is aloneness?

Self.
Last Edition: 16:18 07/11/2016

THE SUICIDAL CHAPTERS – CH.II

CHAPTER II – The Great Pig Who Used To Live In A White World

The following is a set of scattered memories from Piggy’s mind. Reminder: Piggy experiences memories as a third person and sometimes using I.

Subnet I – The White World

Piggy, the greatest pig ever, that the world has ever known, i meant, the white world.

Most readers may interpret the white world as any perception one might have of a world of some sort. However i, here, need to underline the difference. There is a huge difference between the world as you know it and the white world that Piggy knows about.

– Hey Piggy, what about the white world you so often squeal about?

The white world is a world that is ours and ours alone. It is a world that belongs to us. We have come to the conclusion that we, and only we, have and will set its rules, rules we have made for us and, as ironic as it seems, against us.

Subnet II – The After Life

When Piggy looked at the abyss of the white world, he did not squeal, but sadly enough, spoke words out of his flesh container, and said:

God will hate me. If i do this he will never look at me. The maker of death and life, the maker of shadow and light, the maker of ending and beginning.

I will sit, and alone i ll, i ll stare at my own suffering. I once thought his misery was romantic. now i am doomed to the same sin as his, may be greater. All of this will not matter now. I am in Hell and i smell my own skin burning.

Subnet III – The Guild

So many pigs from the world gathered, ones who somehow understood Piggy, wanted to understand the experience of existence of Piggy, an experience perceived by Piggy that no other pig could perceive and experience the same way. Those pigs called themselves the Guild. So the Guild wanted to understand Piggy, the Guild did not stop believing, they wanted to cling to the dream, the dream that is to understand or to be in a state of mind of wanting to understand. They have all shared the same experience. The Guild did not reflect much on their own existence, all they wanted to do, is to make the White World for Piggy. The Guild thought,

We do not care about us, we do not care about our life in this world, all we want is to be for Piggy. We know we are nothing, we know our own existence is so pathetic, is so doomed, is so unwanted. Our experience in the world was and is just a funny joke. Some kind of dark humor we did not really get. But let all that self loathing aside, the first time we saw Piggy. The first time light shed upon his flesh, the first time our brains recorded his image, that moment, was so strange and alien. We right then knew, Piggy is sacred, Piggy is all what we want to live for.

We, members of the Guild, We will make a pact, and this is our statement: We will build the white world for Piggy. The white world will be within us as a collective inner archetype. We will end our lives here in the world, to make the White World come to light, to make the White World for Piggy. This world, the world as we know it should end, it will end by taking our own life here, it will end by making the White World for Piggy.

Piggy, once, stood alone in a dark room, no window, no door, Piggy was not bothered by the fact that it got no opening, he just stood there, and looked up, as where the ceiling should have been, he just starred in the middle of darkness. Wondering and wondering. The Guild felt that sacred moment of isolation. They have felt the greatness of Piggy. Their faith has grown stronger.

The Guild is now ready to finish it all … Clarity set their minds for the ultimate goal.

Piggy was aware of the intention of the Guild, and while starring at darkness, he thought, i have never felt this alone in my life before.

The white world is waiting Piggy. The white world is awaiting. They have whispered and vanished from Piggy’s mind.

To be Continued.

Self.

Rape Romance

It has been years that i have been living alone, away from people. I work in a grocery store in a daily basis, Saturdays too. I work there because i have failed to get a degree in college and as any other girl, that is one way to maintain a decent life without having to rent my body for prostitution. I live alone because i do not understand people, i mean i fail at having a steady social interaction over time with someone. So i guess that is why most of them leave or do not get into the trouble of getting closer to me. Others are just not that interesting. I am sorry for vomiting my pathetic life story on you, it was not my intention. Actually something happened in my life, not that long time ago, something very exciting, something that i am about telling you now.

I was raped last week. I got after work Saturday night very tired very disappointed and very very very frustrated of the loop i felt trapped in, that is my pathetic life. So i did not care enough to lock my apartment’s door. While sleeping i suddenly felt a very strong firm hold on my neck and the lower of my back, the body that was on me was very heavy, i felt so scared that i just froze, my mind was blank and i couldn’t even scream, i felt like there was nothing but my heart. Nothing at all. After he was done he threw my skinny body to the ground and told me he will come back next week.

I spent the whole night on the ground, so scared that i did not have the guts to turn around to check if he is still in the room. I could not think of anything. My mind was blank because of extreme fear. I can hear people now, i can see the sun light, somehow i felt that my courage came back and managed to go to the bathroom. I am under the shower. What just happened to me? my anus hurts so much. I am washing the sperm all over my body. I am still lost inside my head. I know i was raped and that it was horrible. But i just cannot think about it. Why did not i cry ? why am i feeling so cold towards what just happened to me.

Days have passed, and i am checking twice the locks each night. Saturday is so soon. I am starting to feel turned on whenever i remember his words. I will come back next week. I started recently masturbating while imagining the manifestation of his physical strength on my skinny body. Omg each time i think about it i feel more turned on. I guess i am so desperate and so frustrated with my boring life, that i just want him to rape me again. What if he does not come this time. Omg just the idea of him forgetting about me is so depressing.

Saturday’s night.

I have left the door open, i did not lock it and you can even notice the insides of my place from the doorway. I wanted him to know that i wanted him. I have put the best lingerie i have in my possession. i have let some candles light the room. I am lying now on my bed. Waiting and waiting. I hope he will not forget about me. I could not help myself but to masturbate while thinking about him. I am starting to feel nervous. Why is he so late. A wind from the window blew out the candles. Ah! i guess i have heard someone walking on the door way. Oh yes the foot steps are becoming louder and louder.

Oh God he just closed the door behind. He is sitting on my bed now. He does not say a word. My face is on the pillow. i feel so excited. He is touching my ass cheeks now. He got very soft hands. He just grabbed my weightless body to get closer to his crutch. I guess i am gonna be able to see his face. Oh yes. He just slapped my eyes. I cannot see very well. But i don’t really care. I don’t care about anything now. I only want him to do me so violently. I wanted so badly to become his rape slut. So I said,

Rape me hard tonight. Please rape me and make me feel good.

Side Note:

This was another attempt to write off my comfort zone. I still lack the right narrative for this category but i guess i might improve with time. It was hard for me to exactly put into words how i imagined the rape action and feels. I just wrote this because i felt so down recently. I do not know. I guess aging only sheds more light on desperation. Writing has always been an escape for me. An escape from daily frustration. Anyhow i hope the story girl is enjoying her life now with her rapist.

Self.