Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

.

.

what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

….

..
.

Self

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I abstain from sharing these thoughts because i do not like to appear offensive and also because i think they know this already. But i wanted to challenge myself and make some of my inner views on some topics public.

NOTICE: This is more of a reaction to the new comers into the world of smoking dependency, especially young girls. If you are already addicted i do not think this is worth reading. If you are contemplating the idea or just teasing with cigarettes this might be something i would like to share with you with all due respect to your personal human experience on planet earth.

NOTE:

More and more girls are drawn to smoking nowadays, as a way to deal with stress, and in the same time giving them a sense of belonging to the “fuck authority” club, while subconsciously emulating the behavior of people they look up to. Once addicted there is no way out, it becomes a biological need.

Side Notes:

Fuck Authority Club: a revolted sibling or relative against family rules, bad boys/girls at school against academic authority, actors/actresses/models having an image of “i do not care about society or what others think”.

It is to be mentioned that the fuck authority club is an immature response to the abuse of the system, it is a baby stage of human development, a non responsible way to alter the oppression of others. It is the famous stage of abuse called DENIAL. One should not be stuck there for so long, because it is a self destructive behavior to do so. Have a dignity for yourself even if you like to think that it is the others fault, do not put yourself within victim area or blame cycle. The human mind is so powerful but before it should regain its dignity. Being healthy represents a form of respect to our bodily image, or towards our carnal embodiment.

Being vulgar or angry, being emotional in an unhealthy way is what makes you weak against the different authorities encountered during your journey, there is no more frightening thing to them than opening up your mind, go along with reason and respect your human heart.

 

Ascend to where no one can abuse you. Ascend to the stars.

 

Tef.