I wanted to write a northern story… while getting inspired by her and by the world she once let me discover with her…
Could i really write something about the dead white nature ?
The breeze, the freeze, the white of the snow on the huge and majestic trees ?
Could i write on how it is to live inside an isolated house in some holy northern mountain ?
Could i describe what it feels like to make hot tea in that silent dead nature ?
May be hearing some crows from time to time, or may be watching a shy deer coming across the door for food may be or just for curiosity.
Could i ever pretend playing my guitar trying to approach some dark metallic sounds, while screaming like an abused male, someone who just got forced into something he dislikes the most, not he but more of his mature and respectable he ?
Could i ever describe you how that cracking suffering voice in shame sounds like ? while having visions of that sick and irritable situation.
Could i ever show you how i made inner babies cry while being born into unwanted art i make ? unwanted sounds ? unwanted words ? and unwanted drawings, just lines crossing, dark lines all over the whiteness of the snow.
Is it all white here ?
While i tried to make my gaze cover a more wider view i have noticed a black dead tree, a majestic scary tall dead black tree.
Strangely enough i can see a dark silhouette making its way down to the snow.
I guess something was living within the darkness of that tree
Now she is approaching
She is because i guess what i am seeing now is a female body or should i say shadow, since her clothing is all black. A beautiful kind of black, or may be the texture of that long dress makes it more tempting.
Now that she is more and more closer
I can see her pale face
I can see here big eyes,
Omg she got that killing stare
That killing polish stare
Here she is, the queen of darkness
On the door steps of my lonely house
Waiting for me to let her in
I feel like i know her
She is that polish girl i once knew, or i once thought i knew
Somehow i feel speechless
I can’t write about her all the things i have in mind and heart
The only thing i know, is that don’t know how it feels like to be with her in the same space
That is why i think i feel so insecure letting her in.
Is it really her ? i am afraid that i have invited some dark entity that lived for years and years inside that dark tree and that somehow that dark creature of the shadows knew what form to take, a human form, and a from of who ? the form of the polish girl i thought once i knew…
Let me dream
Let me create my dream
Let me pretend i am the owner of my dream
And yet we still get inspired by our own imagination with some content from reality
What if the imagination is another world we connect with ?
What if we do exist somewhere else,
Another way of being…
Life may be defined by death, to live is to not die, and to die is to not live anymore.
Side Note: Thoughts … Tonight and yesterday. The void.
Life may be defined by death, to live is to not die, and to die is to not live anymore.
But to really get the problem of life, you need isolation, you may be isolated while around people, but it is a bit harder to sustain and to make it happen. So to get the problem of life you need to be isolated for a while from human interaction. Get yourself isolated from social interaction for a while, in an isolated place where no one can bother your lone experience.
While thinking, try to locate your self, try to locate the consciousness of your self, after few minutes you will in a way understand what does it mean to be without three dimensions to define space you are in; To be means here thinking that you are.
The thing is now that you know that you are but you can’t specify where exactly, just think about hurting yourself and how much pain you are going to feel, the pain will make you feel like you exist in every portion of your body but in the same time not, somehow you are your carnal embodiment and somehow you are not, either way you are still alive;
What if by death, our consciousness that we do not have the ability to locate get freed from our body and somehow fuses with the universe, are we gonna feel pain whenever anything get crushed or bruised ?
Well as far as science goes, our consciousness of our self is somehow related to how we remember the story of our lives. Scientists try to limit our consciousness of the self by only a state memorized in our brain, our brain being a very complicated network of cells. Anyhow … Let’s imagine that in a second, we don’t have the ability to remember anything, but in the same time, we are, may be we will know that we are, if we stopped panicking and reflected on the matter, the thing is, in that moment, you just know that you are, so can life be reduced to that instant thought or gut feeling that we are ? but what if we are even after death, or while dying ?
The other problem is that life doesn’t need to be defined by self knowledge of life, if the self that lives doesn’t know that it exists, will it know that it died ?
To find a solution to the problem of life you need the courage to look for what is next, what is after life, and for that you need to end your life and see… till now no one that died came back and told us the story after death, this in case there is a story after death.
Conversation with a bird
Once the bird reached a high altitude, his sight covered a different angle of earth, a place ruined by war;
Wars leave whole cities demolished, and so the awareness of existence does to some, they are rare and it may seem completely absurd to most people and acquaintances;
This is a place in the mind of the human being which most people do not visit, some fear it, some are not aware of it, some do not care, but some are left without a choice but to sink into the depths of that undiscovered inner area;
Once you are there, everything loses its interest, you may have some dreams left though, but sooner enough, once struck by reality, you come to realize that all of it was just a play, a play with hidden intentions, intentions of abuse; And that in reality there is nothing to seek, nothing at all; there is nothing;
The bird is here and wants to talk, what i am going to ask you may seem weird, but i hope you will understand because we do not belong to the same species;
You are the most welcome the writer answered, then he added, oh you free being, sometimes i envy you;
I fly all over the city and i have noticed that some of you humans have a weird way of talking and starring while walking, like if you think that your fate is yours.
They are only puppets of luck but they pretend the contrary;
I fly all over the city and i have noticed that being within a group is what most of people seek.
Pointless gatherings, a display of arrogance, which i find is one of the most pitiful human behaviors, gatherings where most of humans seize every opportunity to feel or to seem superior, carelessly mock or aim for domination;
I fly all over the city and i have noticed that the other gender has a different set of values.
It may seem to you that this is different for us, but i can assure you that the same nature rules apply to us too; sadly enough; there is no place for honesty, there is no place for true feelings, only material and carnal desires remain; and sometimes only material possessions are means for personal assessment;
i fly all over the city and i have never noticed you.
i do not exist;
i have been there
i have been there
i have been there
Where only nothingness remains
Until there is no me no more
A journey of a time traveler
Our friend the time traveler is indeed a human being, his body travels only towards the future with the same speed as his other fellow humans, however his mind, sadly enough, can not stop traveling to the past, past times but same places his body was in.
From womb to tomb, the womb was not chosen, it was the first shelter for his unconscious little body, waiting inside another human, a female, for the moment of birth, waiting, waiting, and waiting … Once outside, once the years had passed, the time traveler started looking around, there are two people calling themselves parent, i have never seen them before, and other siblings …
What gatherings of humans agreed on to be real
Well when i go outside, i walk on land, i can touch the land, the land helps me get up and walk, i see trees, i see green, i touch the trees, i am in and with nature on this huge big rock, i think this is my spaceship, a spaceship ? space ? i look up, i see the sky, what is this ? i can not touch the sky, at morning it is clear blue, at night it is dark, but with beautiful little shining entities, they are so beautiful, i keep looking and looking at them every night during my childhood, it was the only escape for me, escape from abuse, escape from self loathing, escape from this thing called reality; so i said to myself, i can not touch the sky, i can not touch the stars, and it is the same in each land of this planet, we share the same cosmos, and it looks so beautifully dark at night, this is SURREAL! at morning, sometimes i see huge, very huge white clouds, they seem like they are covering what was left of my sight, and they are different each day, and they are different on each corner of this huge rock, this is SURREAL, the sky is the first thing that defied the concept of realism for me, when i look at the sky, i know that what seems real from established dispositions of our senses is not the only thing that is here for us, there are other features of this splendid creation;
The time traveler, even if he does not recall his birth, even if he does not recall if he had a past life ? another existence, may be before his journey on planet earth, i have used the term before, but somewhere time can lose its meaning; language is not helping me describe that state off time; well the time traveler had a belief that his journey is not a random one, as he traveled through time, his heart recognized many signs, signs for the heart, and sometimes for the mind too, that this, all of this is not for no reason, his belief was that all of this, his journey as well, have a reason, a created life experience by the one, the creator, a lone divinity that exceeds anything that our fragile and limited mind could grasp, when the brain stops in front of the inability to perceive the reality of God, the heart believes and makes the mind to submit to the truth, a chosen truth;
[To be continued, by Tef]
a way of life,
a way of existing,
a way of spending daily life as a part of a couple;
I do not aim to discuss here how a couple should behave when spending time in the same closed space; what i want to talk about is a couple, who once, promised each other complete honesty and a serious engagement, respecting the dignity of each other, and willing to take care of each other; this has been said, what happens in reality is another story;
While living at a distance, in different cities for instance, communication using technology becomes so crucial; if one partner feels hurt or feels like it wants to spend some time alone, it should be communicated to the other; the problem here, is that sick and twisted culture of pretended romance, you will find millions of blogs and books talking about how to make the other become interested in you; i find those endeavors sick and pathetic, they are based only on manipulation using some psychological schemes of need, lack of love, and lack of self-esteem;
i still remember, years ago, because i stopped sharing my personal life with friends the way i did in the past, when we talk or ask about advice on how to behave with your partner, you will hear some stupid and blindly agreed rules, if you want him or her to love you cut any communication means with that person for 3 days, a week or three weeks, or whatsoever; the problem here, is that the person who look for these rules instead of talking honestly with the other, is that it lacks confidence, self-esteem and dignity; if you want any thing from the other person just ask and talk, this should have as a prerequisite that both partners are mature and honest;
alright, i want to shed light on another topic related to relationships, it is on how do two persons involved want to spend their time together; actually, based on my lack of knowledge and wisdom, i don’t think that there is one rule to obey, this topic is so complex to approach blindly;
a way of love, a way of communication,
the knowledge on how we want to communicate our love, can be tricky, since we change over time, and we may not show the same needs our person has; let s pretend person A loves person B very much, and takes as a promise to communicate that love verbally whenever it feels to, if person B for instance showed interest in the first time only, then stops to show its love during the next days, the issue should be brought honestly, person A should not fear confrontation, person A should not fear a break up, if two persons are not the same anymore there is no need to stay together, it will only drain energy, become unhealthy, and intoxicate your personal life to an extreme degree you cannot imagine; person A should not fear lack of love or interest, person A should be confident and ask, then be prepared to any answer it gets; the point here is that any person who is involved in a relationship should be honest, mature (not childish) and content, i mean by content a satisfied person, satisfied by its own self; not lacking self-esteem nor self-love; i think the only thing that can gather a couple honestly is mutual love; if one lacks love for the other person and does not have the courage to admit it to itself or to the other, it will only lie to itself, pretending being the victim of love; in reality the person is victim to its lack of self-esteem, lack of honesty, lack of respect, and lack of self-dignity;
respect yourself, respect the other, do not lie to people who told you they are in love with you, do not lie to people who care about you, do not lie to yourself, do not pretend you are a victim, do not fool yourself, grow up and be responsible;
This essay is something I was working on for a long time, many months, I start writing once, and wait for many months and then continue writing, and so and so; this essay represents an instant of wondering, an instant off track of time, then it transformed into this idea: why not show people how much anime or manga inspire me. I will start talking a little bit about Attack On Titan, then all the rest is just philosophy inspired by this beautiful and creative Japanese story. Inspired in a way that gave my mind the push to think and the motivation to sum some of my thoughts. Thoughts on and about life.
This Japanese manga/anime is still a mystery because no one knows what is really happening; the fact that it has not been finished yet may be a reason, one amongst many.
- Humans in the story have built three huge walls to protect themselves from titans who keep attacking and eating humans; their history and nature is a total mystery.
- Humans have mobilized three groups for self-defense and exploration of the unknown lands. Those inside the walls, those on the walls, and those outside the walls;
- Humans have found a technique to fight those huge creatures, their weakness being a spot at the back of the neck, once sliced it turns them into vapor.
- The more interesting brigade is the scouting legion, a bunch of weird soldiers to whom the future of the human race is held. Expect the strange to confront the unknown. Anyone who subscribes to this knows how many soldiers die each year, those people had accepted their fate, death and fear are waiting.
- Religion is in the air, a sect that worships the wall as the wisdom of God and also the protector of the human race.
Side note: I am trying very hard not to review the manga, because I wanted to put light on how it represents an inspiration for me!
An inspiration for what ?
Let’s imagine this world or universe that we live in right now as the lands on which humans live on in the anime. The much we know, the much we learn makes us more aware of our own ignorance. In the manga, generations of humans have put too much effort to preserve their race and to learn about the titans, seas of blood were shed; knowledge is intimately preserved and taught to the next generations, in hope of a more stable world for humans, in hope for more understanding of the threat that is the titan hunger and anger. If you give it more thought you will notice that it is kind of the same progress we have in our history, from generation to generation, from the day humans learned to write and to discover their world, we are still evolving, not biologically, but scientifically. The difference is that our world is much complex than the one portrayed in the story.
Sometimes I wonder, while distancing myself from my slef identity, I wonder about humans on this planet earth:
- How different we are from animals, and yet there is so much resemblance.
- The living around us, and also other features of nature, is diverse in a very extreme way.
- The universe till now, is infinite in both levels, the micro and macro scope.
- Scientists, spirituals, religious, and thinkers are arguing about the origin and the meaning of life, while others just don’t care.
Whenever I see a creature, I can’t stop myself from contemplating beauty and creativity in their design, both in the inside (the guts) and in the outside (design, colors, symbols …) Just in the day I was writing this part of the essay, while I in the bathroom, there was a spider, this time I paid more attention to it since it always was there, I have found it very beautiful, the long tiny limbs, the symbol on its back, the eyes, the webs, and how it moved and killed its preys …
I will mention it a second time, whenever I step outside my self conscious realm and start contemplating the world, I can’t but think about these facts:
- Humans are intelligent creatures, they were on earth for many centuries, every generation learns the most it can and teach it to the next one.
- Besides the difference in ethnicity or geographic localization, humans share the same traditions, in each group we can notice: art, intellect, communication, emotions, carnal desires and so and so; they have formed societies and wondered about their own existence.
- Animals, birds, insects, creatures of the sea seem like another configuration of beings, beings with not as much evolved intellect as ours but still share the same passion for power and taking control of a group, eating, hunting, territory marking, (attraction before) reproduction, building homes in peculiar ways, moving from place to place, affection of some animal parents, others just kill their children or parents, some spend most of the time chilling, doing nothing, some say they are meditating or praying.
- Rage and fear are two aspects that are a mystery for me, both of them are for one apparent reason, that is, stay alive: self preservation.
I didn’t want to write about what happens in the microscopic level, because it is really weird, how microbes help in keeping our body healthy, other attack our organism. Also the fact that our immune system is composed of red and white cells, red to transport oxygen and minerals, and white as a local authority … electric signals in the brain transporting data between neurons forming a biological intelligence … the same aspect of life can be found in a wider level in society, or in the animal realm …
If we turn our eyes to the sky, at night, we will notice an alien movement of entities, huge rocks or complex composition of gazes rotating around a source of heat, a gravity center, or just wander unknowingly in the cosmos …
Some believe that there is no reason for the happenings, that it is just random. Some believe that this is an infinite cycle. Others believe in a creator of life, a not created creator, a divinity that our mind can not grasp, the same way our mind can not imagine how we can’t stop counting or dividing … the same way language is a way humans communicate using words, words that are only a trigger for common and personal experiences, not necessarily the same but then we assume that we understand each other.
Creationism is a very interesting topic, and what makes it more appealing, is how magnificent is our creativeness, how an artist could paint a very beautiful picture and that can be admired and memorized over centuries, you can notice similarities between fine arts and some features of nature, the lasting nature over centuries, the symbols on a moth, the colors of a flower, or of a bird, the peculiar design of an insect … how a movie director with the help of a scenarist create a wholly different set of lives and their relationships for a play of an amount of time, same as a representation of a possibility of happenings …
What interests me the most is how most of creatures try to survive, why this need to be alive ? Humans have the ability to kill themselves but if another human is around it will not let it do it, if sane enough of course. I know there are humans who does not care or just enjoy killing or watching other people die … but they are in smaller numbers, if it wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t be here today … nor me writing this essay that you are reading right now.
When a human takes in his first breath and starts discovering the world, he will find, in most cases, two humans, the parents, who will take care of him while showing affection and love, they will give shelter, food and water, welcome to the world, here is what you need and this is what you should know to begin your journey! but a journey of what, to do what, to die ? some will say happiness, others will seek power and dominance … others won’t really care, and wouldn’t even reflect on the purpose of life, if there is such a thing …
What comes next is a strange part of the human experience, to which I am speechless when asked why. JUDGMENT. Over the course of history humans have set laws and regulations, and whenever crossed, there has been a place for a human judgment? how can humans judge humans, is it only a matter of who leads the group ? and its own notion of good and evil …
As I find myself wondering on all aspects of life, I can’t keep myself from noticing many similarities with God, I will talk here about the Islamic definition of the creator, some will say that God is both perfection and infinity in all aspects of life … and the day of judgment is the final tribunal of human crimes in the universe … if you read more about God in the Islamic references you will find other aspects, love and infinite knowledge, the sense of testing the created, as long with many other ones … the relationship between God and the human being is like the relationship between a caring person and its loved one, we have seen this in many stories and movies, how often we don’t know much about the other person, who loves us, how we can be so judgmental, without knowing the real person that hides behind our friend, our sibling, our parent, our lover … or our creator.