Abuse Me

My corpse has been made open for you

I no longer reside within

I am losing my grip on my soul

I am still all seeing

Beyond my shelter, i still can feel

Teared apart, you are a guest

To my inner temple, a destroyer

A slave to my deviant, disintegrated, pathetic, disgusting will

Years, decades, eternities have passed, i am alone, i struggled during this whole past, future time, there has been nothing

Please, take advantage of my corpse

Rape it apart

I might have never existed

I am nothing

 

Self.

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Boiling Guts

Should’t estranged dreams invoke us into a world which never existed

A rapture to the order of the unknown

Yet this imposing dead tree i see now

Boiling my heart inside

Not of envy, not of fear

But still burning within

Its branches cutting deep

Into open and rotten wounds

A burst of words has come to oblivion

Strong doses of pain lingering into my lungs

I can no longer inhale

Chained with my own lament and lack of might

Self.

Out of the stinking blue

A l o n e W h y s h o u l d i s i l l b r e a t h N o o n e T o L i v e F o r G i r l s I l i k e I g n o r e M e I f O n l y I c o u l d V a n i s h

Somehow i get attracted only to girls who will not consider me as existing. Not unwanted but not existing or invisible.

Somehow my guts like only girls who will not have a similar image as the one i see. Some kind of a hidden foresight. Not unexpected from a self destructive self harming third eye.

I struggle to not become a killer a torturer a kidnapper and yet i dont get much credit for it.

I wrote this while feeling disgusted of my pathetic way of feeling. Very childish and immature.

Self

Here i remain alone

Here i remain alone

Would i ever want to meet God

Would i ever want to feel being near The source of divine light

The godly spirit

The godly word

The godly breath

The godly figure

Creator of souls i ache to reach

Creator of life and death

The lord of suffering

The lord of destruction

The lord of mercy

Here i am alone in sin

Here i plunge deeper and deeper

I am the swamp

I am the pitiful

I am the recluse

Self

I am fading

Let this pain i am breathing

To be the sequel to Hell

A paradise full of thorns

Where i cannot move freely

But crawl to my bed

What i am living now may seem as a torment

But because i ll burn in Hell

It should be heaven

Heaven because i can still walk through images of pain

Heaven because i can still destroy myself at will

Be sure i do not want a duel with God

Be sure i do not want to be another adversary as Lucifer

I am only a self which couldnt let go of his weakness

Stubborn but pathetic in front of the godly figure

I am making my way towards the eternal fire

The same dream i had when i was a kid

Looking from above to the kingdom of Hell

These tears i am shedding are pointless

For i have neglected the word of God

I am ashamed but still struggling to wake up for another day

May be i ll manage to find the holy mountain

The cliff that will set me free from my suffering

The cliff that ll open the gates of Hell to me

The cliff that would be the last touch of paradise

Paradise i am living now

The one as my execution chamber

Self.

Lethal Brain Vomit

It is strange that a thing or a set of things like data is what stops me from seeing what is beyond what human beings call death. Data that questions the memory of things like who i am what i am what surrounds me what is this what is that. Knowledge is data as well but if the thinking machine does not exist itself what am i at this right moment?

Fear should be the possibility of things going wrong after i end my life. Things going wrong would be me suffering. I cannot afford suffering. It is an experience i cannot bear, physical suffering i mean. What is funny or ironic is a very small deal of suffering that is mental or that is the tiredness of going on living is what pushes me to end myself; Yet i am afraid of what is worst. So this problem should be solved in a simple formula that is do not kill yourself do not take the control of it. If it comes from illness or an accident that is not your will at the moment. So what i am left with is waiting. Waiting for death. It is sad though to be forced to wait for death.

What makes you wanna die?

After my father died i only see him in dreams, that is the making of the complex brain circuits inside my skull. He never shared with me the knowledge of what comes after death. What if such information was sent to me from the dead, i might believe it is fake or that some other entity is trying to fool me. I am stuck because true knowledge comes from experience. But experience of death or of ending my own life does not have a way back. Once you die you cannot come back to life. And if i did i will doubt my memory of the near death experience.

All i am left with is to kill myself without thinking through it. But Fear stops me. Fear has always been a mind control in my life.

It is sad. It is sad that my fear of God’s judgement, eternal suffering or the expectation of any other bad scenario would stop me from killing myself. Because i want to do it. I am selfish enough to not care about others but to take the step. But at the same time i am a coward for not being able to try. Some girls i have encountered in my life told me about their cutting experiences. I cannot imagine how they can do it. They must have balls of steel. I cannot even see my own blood pour from an artery. i am sure i would have a panic attack, cramps all over my body, and being left with only a very narrow vessel for air while suffering my body implosion.

So what am i left with? smoking? drinking? still it is a sad story, i do not like vomiting nor do i like the idea of cancer. Just a simple headache makes my life a living hell.

All these thoughts lead me to one answer, to kill myself quick, without further thought, and letting fear aside. May be to throw myself from a very high cliff embracing this mysterious and beautiful nature that the lord has made on this planet.

I am stuck. I want to spend the night sleepless but i have work tomorrow and i do not want to spend the day weak having trouble being active in this shared world.

A while earlier i wanted to try something forbidden, a portal that might open the doors of the other worlds to me, then i asked myself, why, only because you have an ego that did not accept being unwanted, undesirable, the fact that she does not want you?

Is it because you cant stand that they have a life of their own? is it because of my inferiority complex ? being sexist, misogynist? being antisocial comes from weakness and i do not to be that kind of weak. I want to hurt others because i am weak and i cant stand them having their life easy. I want to see them in pain. In agony. But then i am sure i will be left disgusted with all the blood in my hands, all the bad smell of their guts on my lap…

It is sad though. To not be able to take my own life. I am at the same time very ashamed of my self in front of God. The all seeing eye. Because He and i, know how much i think highly of virtues: Principles like gratefulness for the smallest gestures of kindness.

A divine gesture of kindness such sharing a stare with an animal, a bird, or just looking to the trees in front of my window. They stand very tall and let the wind caress them, their sight is just hypnotic while the passing clouds hide continuously the moon and the stars.

I am afraid of the fact that my motive to kill myself is only because i fear life, only because i cant stand being lonely.

What a waste. Still, i wonder why Lord Voldemort kills people? And how come he finds great empowerment in it? i can never relate to his darkness.

Once a very young hunter, in the middle of a dangerous chase, stopped and asked with courage Chrollo, he asked him, Why do you kill innocent people?

Chrollo after such a question, found himself in a deep introspection, he thought to himself, i do not see how words can explain my motive to this kid, i cant express it. He then looked up to the sky very perplexed…

 

Self

Here i am here within

I sit on my throne and see

I set on the east and fail

I rise on the west and burn

I am king here, i am king of Hell

No one has ever walked on my lands

For my lands are lakes of fire

For my lands are the dwelling of the dead

Still, i am a false king

I am the false prophet

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

See up in the sky and look for me

I have slept with the northern star

I have left the castle of eternity

I ll rise again

And this time with no mercy

When the day comes look for me

When your death awaits swallow me

When you lose your faith caress me

They are not screaming for they are content

They are not crying for they have seen the truth once before

Do not let me fool you

Kiss my ring and bow down to me

Know who is your master and give in to me

Give in to my lies

Give in to my fake promisses

Give in to my lust

Fail your true light

For i am your knight

A headless horseman is my vessel

I am falsehood

Know your pain for i am near

Know yourself for i am here

Count your days for i am who will bring you down

Down to the kingdom of Hell

Listen to me and follow

For i am the false prophet

I hear whispers now

Tell them, tell them

I walk upon the earth

Self