READ THIS DISCLAIMER FIRST
FIRST PART: DELIRIUM
While thinking about how pathetic this scenery has become i crushed her little skull with one punch downward.
I took then my flight to another city, where resides another girl which ignores totally my existence. I know where she studies, i have visited her university before, and the place seems perfect for an abduction because all what surrounds is the middle of nowhere.
After a little stalking spree i knew her schedule, i waited for her to come to the class, i wanted to take her before starting her class in order for her to know that i am serious. Till now i do not know if she will approve of me being there but i have a feeling that it might work out.
First i greeted her like nothing happened, like if i was not upset that she continues to stop answering my calls or ignoring my texts. Then i told her i have something for you, she replies, no i have class, i really have to go, i tell her again do not worry, it is just a book i want to give you, it is in the car, follow me.
Now that she is in my car i drive a bit into nowhere, not that far away, even if she goes out i will drive her in by force. Now that we are away from people, i say:
Do you think you are smart?
She does not reply, i anticipate and ask, why did you hang up on me many times, was it out of respect?
She creates a set of stories since she is an amateur writer as myself, i stop her and say,
There is something else you are not telling me,
Hear this for a second,
I think i said or did something which upset you but you did not tell me about it, i do not have a problem with that, what is a problem for me, is why do you allow so much humiliation and physical abuse from your parents, siblings, and other family members, even strangers, but when it comes to me, you get so upset and ignore me, why don’t you at least talk about it. I have the feeling that i mean nothing to you, or that somehow you think i should be punished or something.
I remain silent for a while, then she replies, if you wanna kill me kill me. I do not care, and you know how many times i tried to kill myself before, so if you wanna do it do it, i have had enough of this existence anyways.
Here, i felt strange, very strange, it is like if life is funny or something, this is what i thought inside of me, i was like,
Fate, is this irony, are you being sarcastic, why is this happening?
This girl is one of the girls i think know the most things about me, this girl, i have spoken with for tens and tens of hours, and have written hundreds to thousands of lines to each other. This girl was the most supportive non judging emotional supporter and uplifting girl i ever knew.
Why should she die now? why should my inferiority complex and low self esteem be involved in this, to remove her from this shared world?
Now i feel a great deal of energy flowing within me, i am starting to feel her energy change from purple to black, with a very great sexual energy but this time more threatening, dominating, and abusive as it would feel like during rape.
All of this seems so intense and it sickens me… to death.
While she continues to stare right into my hazel eyes with her black pitch dark eyes, it is happening again.
The great hollow is growing inside me, sucking every bit of energy in, it is growing while my dark energy is growing while at the same time the black hole is absorbing hers. The abyss is forming, some kind of portal, to a darker existence, the black sea may be… Or the seventh earth… some sort of a district within the kingdom of Hell
I know i am spiritually very weak, i dont have the strength of lord Voldemort when it comes to dark matter, nor do i have the determination and calmness of Chrollo while being faced with bigger threats. I am very weak spiritually, which means in other words i can’t deal with a great flow of alien energies would it be within or without. Nor can i handle my own ever changing flow.
In the middle of this inner uproar i got a grip of myself, i am now in the here and the now, again, she still stares into my eyes with that provocative stare, now a grin appeared on her lips, in that moment, i just hit her violently, like with the previous girl, i hit her right in the face, then i stepped on her very skinny and small body, i wanted to rape her then i abstained because i hate such imagery, to see the beast within unfold. I took her in, while she is breathing with difficulty and coughing blood like a dying dog, i took her to a wild deserted beach and throw her. I made sure of her death and left. The sea will remove all evidence of my identity.
I am driving now to another city, a city far away to the north of this country. To face another twin flame which behaved very rudely and made of me an invisible non existing piece of shit.
While writing all of this, i get more sense of my self, that i am a deranged delusional pathetic low being. Some kind of a failed human project, a weak prototype, which should abide by the laws of nature, the weaker should be extinguished. In order for the evolution of the human being to develop into the super human or neoman. By the way, weak little innocent very adorable animals get crushed by their parents or by other members of the tribe or pack, or by harsh environment, predators included. A mother which gives birth to many spiders might be eaten by her offspring, a sacrifice of the weak and the giver of life in order for a generation to elevate and mix in with the holy shared existence. The creation of the one architect, the divine.
P. S.: Electrons still play around Atoms, Microbes still a part of this ecosystem which is the human body, planets still revolve around stars, and comets travelling within this vast unknown dark universe, what are we to self judge, what are we to make laws, what are we to discriminate, what are we to govern, what are we… Macbeth and Hamlet are still leading an eternal life, the maker died long ago but his creations are some sort of magick, to which i have connected with, even without understanding perfectly archaic english, something else is here, something out of our grasp, yet i am afraid to take my own life…