I think there is a psychological barrier that stops me whenever i try to look into the frustrated child that resides within.
The earthly incarnation of the human being has similarities with the animal kingdom, under this context, motherhood is usually the caregiver for its offspring which satisfies the neediness within the infant. Furthermore, adulthood is supposed to be the next stage of human development, a detached self from motherhood or any projection of this natural concept, in witch the self represents the dominant source of emotional or psychological stability.
Having these thoughts in mind i still struggle to attain and go beyond metamorphosis. The transformation of the immature and needy child into a new born content adult. Free from emotional insecurities, more focused in positivity and with a strong determination and will to go forward.
Nevertheless, there is still this dark belief in desolation and constant attraction to hidden and various forms of self destruction. Unfortunately a dreadful temptation that never sleeps.
What should i do of my becoming
For all i bring is sorrow and misery
I am the dream destroyer
I walk with you and spit on your hopes
I hold your hand and step on your heart
I am the dream destroyer
I praise torture and bestow disgust
I spread my wings and float upon you
I sharpen my claws and tear you apart
I whip out my tail and shove it down your throat
I greet you with death
And leave you to dust
P.S.: The D.D. resides within…
Give me a blade and i ll slay the scum off the earth
Give me a spear and i ll wipe out the filth off the planet
When ignorance and rudeness are spread say my name and have no worry
Summon me and you ll see no lower being
Call me by my name and only the chosen will survive
My wrath will cleanse the grounds and seas
My forthcoming birth will be the ultimate prophecy
A day of purge it ll be
I ll unleash my servants, and together we ll rise
A day of purge it ll be
No one should reign but me
No one should say I but me
Say my name and have no worry
For i am who i ll be, and for i am what i was
Before Dawn or After sunset I ll set you free
Get closer and you ll see
Get closer and i promise, i ll set you free
It did not take long till i got a glimpse on one of the structures of my self. An ancient self, but not older than my flesh container. I ve seen many of my shells that i thought once they were solid like steel. Unbreakable. I thought my root self was protected deep within. I am sure this has been the piling up of so many happenings over my journey on this planet. The way i have seen some of the deeper shells unfold was very concerning to me. There was nothing to stop it as i stood somewhere outside of my own being.
– Have you ever considered being fully of aware of your own unmaking?
Somehow it felt very strange to me but not that alienating as i thought it wld. That inner experience was similar to the following vision.
A closed room and a lost key or rather a key that has been sealed and never used. Its location remains unknown. You live year by year with the knowledge that no one has the key to that room. A room that contains all the pillars of your own consciousness. Imagine that somehow there was a place within you connected to an unknown place in the far away cosmos that gives you sight of anything that occurs inside or outside that room. Somehow you were transported there. Then your awareness in an instant just struck you with a sharp belief that the room is empty and therefore you can be unmade at any moment and by then compelled to submit.
You are now fully bewitched without the slightest will to resist.
Sir, you are invited to the kingdom of Hell. We will keep you updated with the following procedures. Do not waste this chance and know that you ll be generously rewarded.
I am on that weird border again. Where i can have a glimpse on the many selves i hold inside and most of them are still lurking in the dark. It feels like i am on a high cliff and about to fall into one of these personas. Who am i really… May be i was always myself but then i am becoming one of my fantasies. Slowly, and slowly getting attracted to identities which will not recognize me anymore. Off space… I am sure most of my social surrounding would not recognize these personalities, with whom i do my best and seize any opportunity to shorten their acquaintance. Only few to whom i tried to share most of my wonders may have a clue. I did not meet most of them within this shared physical realm and i cannot imagine it happening. Once, unconsciously, one of these personas got out, before i gave it permission, before analyzing it, it just got out and spoke and acted out of its own… It held so much energy and did not care for it felt so light weighted and content i assume to be out in the open. I do not regret it but i guess next time i ll have more control of it… I even did not ask to whom it showed itself. I am sure if that kind of intimate setting presented itself in a more sustainable manner i would explore more of my hidden and may be repressed set of identities. I ll be the judge of my other inner incarnations. I ll discipline and even take the best of each entity so i can unfold more of the shells pressuring my existence on this planet.
I may disappear after… Or lose memory of my first self. Who am i then, if i lose track of my story, the story that i tell myself each day i wake up and that i barely remember each time i do…
– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.
Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.
Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.
– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?
– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.
– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.