– Don’t you think we have to socialize a little bit ? it has been more than one month that we did not have any contact with other humans.
– Do we really have to do this, you know that i am not interested but if you insist i might do as you wish.
– Good. There is this friend, she always asks me for a double date, and in each time i find a way to cancel it. I just thought this might give us some perspective.
– I know what kind of perspective i am gonna get. Shoot us both in the head. A sarcastic laugh followed.
Somehow we went out from the apartment heading for another city in hope to meet this couple. I was so glad that they had chosen a cafe in front of the wild beach, no humans in between us and the view. To let myself fuse with the horizon was the best coping mechanism i had for my social anxiety.
Somehow the couple started talking about the future, and how they work for their dreams and how they are planning to achieve their goals. I have never being able to identify with their drive, or the grand majority drive for success and it always comes as rude when i don’t partake in their passion. So we both stayed silent.
– We are sorry we talked a lot about ourselves. We did not hear both of you talk at all, what are your dreams ?
– We have no dream really. In the course of our doomed life we were hit by the certainty that all what we dream for are merely fake or inaccurate hopes. We believe that somehow we lack that common human touch with the future. We only see failure as the only fate that awaits us along with death of course. We still hope we will stay together for a long time but the motivation for our togetherness diminishes after each night we sleep on the same bed. Still we cope with it using a mixture of self oblivion and other self destructive means.
– i have never promised you that our lives will be purged from sadness and despair. I only wished to dwell in misery together. That each one of us will fight the demons we hold inside. Sorrow will grow each day but we will live together under one roof. We will fight it or succumb to it but we ll still stay together under one roof.
– Under one roof… But i am tempted to leave this bed we share for tonight.
– As long as you stay here for the nights to come i ll wait for you here, i ll sleep here and wait for you… Know that i ll never desert it and that i don’t resent you from doing so. Your darkness grows and it only attracts my dead rotten flesh container further towards you…
– I, in the past, did not find any drive to stay here in this life. It did not change now. It only became more painful. To be alone, together but alone. A couple that experiences loneliness like twin stars in space.
– I had a taste of that experience. The way i experience it is the feeling of a very deep hole inside. That grows only to implode my being. But i have showed great strength before. And i am sure i ll now. I may seem doomed thinking about this wrecked existence, but do not worry for me, i, as myself, promised to become more tenacious when it comes to the absurdity of life on Earth. I have no wisdom nor authority to show you how to deal with self destruction. Just know that i ll be here for you and that i ll wait and that i ll not destroy myself before you do.
I might stab them to death if they are disrespectful towards my twin flame. i might get beaten up but i do not care as long as i find a way to turn their bowels out… And i will. It’s gonna stink and may make me puke down their throats. Swallow it now, pig. Don’t fuck with my twin flame again, try and be flirty with her now, look at you, a breathless corpse, so much waste. All this scenery is just disgusting. It stinks like Hell. She just stood there disgusted by what i did. I felt bad because she felt sorry for the guy. She should not have those feelings of pity for him. Only I deserve her empathy. But then i have no control of any thing. Even if i just took this filthy mouth’s life, it was all written before. I have only made my entry to Hell more certain.
A step closer to Hell is a step away from eternal rest.
My Deviant Self.
I woke up then slept then woke up then slept then woke up till the night and slept… My breathing became so slow i could barely move. My heartbeats were very quiet.
I have lost all the drive i had to push forward. I had the certitude that i cannot change or evolve in the future. I have canceled the plans i had for the future because nothing seemed interesting or worth of doing an effort for. i have no energy to be active. I have lost the drive for encounters too.
My dreams have lost taste and only seemed negative or pointless. If i cannot change i could not share the experience of life with someone. i would only be stationary or doomed. If i managed to meet someone i would stay silent for the whole time and question my decision of not staying in bed.
I would love to retreat from this sorrowful and cold dive into the absurd abyss of existence.
I am always in combat with myself to denounce the aloneness of the human experience.
I would correct my thoughts and pretend or even admit to myself that looking so far in the future or even tomorrow is no remedy for the self anxious person. I guess whenever we feel the weight of responsibility we just have to loosen up a bit. To just live freely and tell oneself, it is ok to not go forward, it is ok to stay stationary.
All the weight of the universe should be thrown into the abyss of reality itself.
P.S.: The abyss of reality is believed to be a place of doom. The place where all the suffering goes and from where it breathes in. A district of Hell.
A drastic change to ways of perception
It felt new, fresh and unpredictably promising
How did this happen? To open the gates of the unknown again
A drastic change it was, a short one may be
Somehow all what might have been pointless or negative is now having a fresh breath of life
Events and their perception have taken an unexpected turn
A rediscovery has been made, hopefully it will remain
With such intimacy and without the slightest hesitation, i have left them flow. Pure, naive, and kind were my words. Each word i have spelled made me closer to her. A moment of vulnerability that did not stop me from keeping the wound open. It has been so many decades, hundreds and hundreds, that i did not let myself flow uncensored. Since each day i have spent on this wrecked hole alone felt like a decade to me.
Her very long hair was falling on my shoulders. The softness i felt was fused with her enchanting sent. Her eyes suddenly started raining on me, very tearful red eyes. A thunder followed: A pouring of “I hate you” and “I want you to suffer”. She left herself being the victim of her own alienating impulses. A flood of anger and pain I thought. I am still lying on the ground while facing this unpredictable break down, a manifestation or rather an explosion of the frustration she was carrying. She had a great deal of hatred inside. She kept it inside whenever hands have stolen her purity. She kept it growing inside whenever her insecurities were a prey for mockery and arrogance. She kept it inside whenever her privacy was invaded… I have felt all that pain penetrating me. I gave it the permission to do so. I was bewitched i thought. Bewitched by love and care giving may be. I have welcomed her frenzy with an open heart. I was aware of my incapacity to keep sustaining a sane self. The collapse of my inner temple was a certitude because the entire setting of that experience was a vulnerable one.
The scenery kept changing; a very tiny space around her remained the same. After each transition she kept her firm hold on my corpse. I thought i was dying since we have traveled over all my past, all these images of my rotten life. Till this moment: I am now within the gazing of stars and the loud silence of the universe. Yes her screaming stopped, i hear nothing now. I guess every word she shouted was a curse. A spell that cut open my heart.
i knew in advance how much sensitive my unconscious was to negativity but still wanted to witness moments of my life unfold as i wanted to cleanse her from all that torment.
I have chosen a death that i wont regret. I wanted to disappear holding that memory. To die under her skinny shelter.