Diaries of a Wimp, Entry2

Side Note : i hate sharing this side of my persona

.

I had to make a […]

I was so insecure

I couldnt do it

I walked a long distance

Saw the place bypassed it

Came back and told myself

It is ok to not be able to do it

Social anxiety or fear of not being able to handle a pathetic situation in which i should harden my tone while my face would show signs of insecurity and lack of confidence

I was told many times how my facial expression showed signs of fear while i wasnt aware of it. Then i thought, if my face displays motions of my unconscious how about when i am conscious of my awkwardness and doing my best to hide it. In this case i suppose i wouldnt be able to play the game. It will make things difficult for me.

Last time i couldnt say hi or welcome

It was so awkward to me

I hated myself in that moment because i couldnt use the greeting words i am used to use for fear it would come across as a weird thing to say

Anyways this time. First shop was closed, second same thing.

For the last one, there was many […] people i just couldnt do it

Before i didnt have the confidence because it was

[…]

but still couldnt deal with the situation

[…]

I dont know

Tomorrow i will find another shop

We will see how i am gonna behave

But it doesnt make sense

Why i cant do it now

Why tomorrow should be welcoming?

May because i have been in the same shop brand so i know a bit how its gonna be

Emm may be this is like approaching girls

Sometime you feel like you cant do it

And sometimes it just is easy

Ah yes today there was this tall girl

Who looks a bit masculine but in a beautiful way

You can say a bit of two people i know

I looked at her

And while she was talking to me

I felt a bit intimidated by her height and how she was talking to me

She was younger than me

For an instant i was taken by her aura and i submitted to her energy

I felt a weird high somehow sexual somehow weirdly spiritual

It was magickal

Then i murmured some words said an insecure thank you and walked away like a fucking wimp

She managed the conversation very well though

.

I hate my self as well

You fucking wimp

.

Self

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Diaries of a Wimp, Entry1

Only the lord knows how much hatred i have for them

Those arrogant talkheads talking so loud

They think they are smart they are very young without any experience of real hardship in life

All the things in life were given to them by men and family

They continue talking loudly

Bitch

Shut the fuck up and be modest

You are just a little smartass

Stop talking to your mom with that tone

Either be with her or leave her

In either case stop talking so loud

Bitch

I bet she found a good paying job right away after getting a good diploma allowing her to boss around people older than her wimp father

Someone who didnt beat her enough to know how to behave with respect and dignity

Only god knows how i hate them

Dont get me wrong she is attractive and well dressed

But i just hate them how cocky how arrogant talking to her mom with a second language.

Someone needs to slap that bitch in the face and teach her some manners. For god sake how did i find myself in this situation

Once she urged her mom to go out. I waited till they were both outside to steal a look at her since i wasnt looking when i sat in front of her

The thing is her eyes were scouting my location till both our stares met. I was in shock since i didnt expect a vulnerable expression i felt a weird beautiful connection like if i was looking at a girl i know like if i was looking at myself. She had skinny legs as well… wearing black fake leather

In that moment i suppose my heart was taken over by her gentle stare

I thought then, it is true that when i visit my mom and talk to her i use a patronizing tone… so strange

Somehow we unleash our anger at our mothers because they greet us with kindness

May be we are so fucked up we lack respect and feel entitled to it

Because mothers care while we hate ourselves and somehow we have only anger and frustration to express

I hate my self as well

You fucking wimp

Self

Is she breathing

And so i did

I traveled overseas

This is the first time i set foot on this land

I will stay here for a couple of days

I will look for her

I might find her, if she is alive

I am not sure of what i am gonna see

I will look her right in the eyes

That way she will know it is not me

For i do not stare into the eyes of humans

Or may be that is me, the one

I am the one, i am no longer the host

I knew you will find me, but i am no longer the one you talked to in the past

Who are you

She stopped talking

It is you, isnt it

Our hour has finally come, follow me

I followed her steps, we are leaving the buildings

She is making her way into the forest

I followed her while feeling an extreme anger inside me

I have lost the initiative, she got the lead now or whatever has spoken to me

While walking slowly on the snow, i didnt look up to the sky

There is no sky, only heavy and dark black clouds

We continue walking while the woods are getting denser and denser

She stopped and didnt turn around

I had to face her, now i am only watching

The one stepped ahead, i cant hear their conversation

But i hear her voice

I am no longer in my body, why did you come look for me

I dont know why, may be i just had enough of life

What made you come, did you hear my voice before

No, only now. What are they talking about ?

I have no clue, but do you remember what i told you about him

Yes even though you didnt tell me much but i somehow know

What do you know?

Nothing… i mean, what s gonna happen now?

Tell me about the one

The one… emm i tried my best to give him green light to handle things for me

Why?

I was in a spiral, not downward… though he told me it should have been the case … he said, it should have been the case from a long time ago

So

So what …

Tell me, how did you recognize him

Your eyes have grown bigger and you smiled in the middle of the conversation

What have i told you in the past about him?

That you were aware of his presence

What about yours

I dont know if i can hold him here for more time

Tef, listen, things might get ugly, i dont want to live with your memory slaughtered here like a pig

But i want to Wiki, that is what i have always wanted… if i cant slice your throat, you better take my head off my body first

Finally i can leave

Finally i can

Finally

Hail Satan

Self

Who writes here, on this blog

There are many facades to myself

In an inward manner that is to say

Sometimes i call them selves sometimes personas sometimes voices

They have taken the liberty to be outspoken and to offend others, me included

Not all of them are uncivil but surely some of them are

To each one of them lies a certain set of beliefs

With time i have learned that some of them die only to get resurrected again from the ashes

May be they are immortal

As long as i slay them they find ways to manifest again, if not via tearful eyes

I often find myself in those moments surprised or bewildered by what just happens

Now i guess they all lie down, stay low so i can write about them, me the host

They live in the inner temple

Some of them were behind closed doors

Others were infant and only now they have chosen to partake in my life

They were thirsty to engage in this existence only to deem my life to destruction

I was lucky enough i didnt gave him a chance

I have one particular in mind, it is him whom i am willing to disclose in a few sentences

I never thought that this persona was in fact one of the residents of the inner temple

Now that he has taken much space inside that i was able to gather some hints

During my childhood or teen years i had a couple of alien dreams, alien to my nature… apparently they were related to his lifestyle but it was so dark and strange that i have never thought it has to do with his existence

Now or just in the near past he took possession of me and started planning and coordinating with other humans in what i suspect to be his plan

When he took over me i didnt have second thoughts, he was surprisingly active and determined to accomplish what he seeks which is totally different from the way i am carrying my life these days

I am very grateful i am becoming aware of his agenda. I must do all what is possible to stop him from ruining what was left of my life

I dont need any other complication

I only have to focus in maintaining a safe protocol

At some point he was about to lure me into letting him proceed as he wishes

Now that i am thinking about it i can see that he was feeding off some traits of my personality, the likes of which might have driven into suspicion many of individuals but i have always denied it or got angry at such demeaning descriptions of character

Now he is here alive and wicked to the point he will chase after my lack of self consciousness only to catch me and put me inside a cage which will turn to be the worst of nightmares

They feed from desires

They feed from ideas and fiction

They promise me pleasure and satisfaction

They track me with their alight eyes behind the darkest shadows

Self

Covered in dark blue

The sky was dark blue

I was sitting on a dark cliff

It felt like there was someone at my right and another at my left

A third party came in, these people are not the ones i seek, i wasnt sure why they were in the dream

If they are not from the circle why were they present

May be their names have a meaning may be they symbolize something, i am not sure

A very short greeting from a third party

Her name is close to what you can call tenderness

In that very instant something came to my mind and i looked down the cliff

The scenery was sublime

A very far away deep down blue dark sea rock meeting the dark waves of the sea

I thought if i make the jump i might hit rock bottom

I was so scared but at the same time that i was invaded by an extreme fear of death i decided to jump

The one at my right and the one at my left jumped too

While falling i was so scared meeting my death

The depth i was penetrating was so long i was able to change my thoughts

I was ashamed of myself while falling

I thought you often fantasize about death yet here you are falling having second thoughts

So i changed my falling posture into making my body a straight line

I was able to change the direction to seek the sea

Somehow the one at right and the one at left have done the same

Now i am about to penetrate the dark blue sea

I wasnt sure i would survive the splatter of water

Miraculously i made it into water

While diving deep down i felt an immense strength in my muscles

I felt in control

I had a choice to make

To swallow water and invite it to my lungs so i would leave this existence thing i always wanted

I was filled with shame since i decided the contrary

I felt like a coward and i hated my self

I used the strength i felt to grab the person at my left and and the one at my right and changed the course to the top

While arriving at the top of water

The one at left started moving its arms like a helicopter and the one at my right did the same with his legs

I was in between them, attached to them while i lost my stamina enabling us to make way on water like a motor boat

Somehow i have found myself on land while departing them

It was so dark on the coast

I have found myself making a purchase with a shady man who gave off a dangerous energy

I bought a packet of cigarettes and left him

While walking i felt an immense danger

I was followed by an entity or by a group of individuals

I couldnt see them but i felt their energy and evil intentions

So i made it inside the crowd in an attempt to lose them

They were still tracking me

Then i unconsciously disengaged from the dream only to find myself awake under an immense pressure

The pressure of reality

That i am still alive inside a dark room

That i am a coward

I couldnt take my life even in my dream

P.S. : Symbolism

The one at my left

A female with a scarf, at some point she was murmuring psalms from religious scriptures, since she was an unknown female i think she represents my past spiritual side, my deserted faith which still wanted to bless my soul before entering Hell

The one at my right

Was my sibling, he was silent so it has to do with blood ties or the family i cut my self off

Self

Darkness is calling

The one who made the concept of Hell and somehow linked it to the fate of the self destructive man played a good trick in the history of humans on Earth

Not that i care that much about it

Because i know that when the time will come there will be no second thoughts

Or may be i do care a bit

Or may be i dont

That fucker who wrote those scriptures deemed my existence to a true torment

Not that i know what true torment is

Or may be i do

I am just sick and tired of Jordan Peterson, why does he need to open his fucking mouth and ruin my blissful anti-theism why the fuck on earth i feel the urge to check him up and hear those swords coming from his insides

He ruins my ignorance and makes me doubt really good the possibility of transcendance. Fuck you Jordan Fuck that interview with Ben the fucking jew, i liked how you reduced his faith to mythology and shit and then you fucked me up with the complex concept of hierarchies in recorded history and in the fucking monkey tribes or apes

How somehow consciousness aided in the evolution of the social phenomenon and how it is far away from randomness and how still there is a shadow of a doubt in what science concluded on the anatomy and functionality of neuropaths and the biochemistry in our dear brain

How messengers or how i would treat them as mental cases may have being in touch with something else

Even if they were just fiction the wisdom in those writings have brought humanity to this day and age

How being open, creative or even sociopath might only lead to destruction

However humans are still breathing on this planet

Fucking parasites of the universe

Even if Jordan is wrong, it is hard for me not to think that he might have evaded nihilism in his life but also in making it a less possible scenario behind the curtains of the cosmos

Jordan if you are right and if there is really something underneath human consciousness i deem you to a burning Hell because you are making me doubt my choices

You have turned me into this killer who thinks twice before slicing throats, human throats

I thank you only for one mention

You did mention columbine

The fucking shooting

You mentioned that there is Hell on earth, that these places are filled with dark minds

Very dark minds who gather and commit dark things

You said it and i felt you

I felt that you are in touch with that darkness

I knew that you really know what the human ego is capable of

You said, you have read their journals

I just checked them out

I saw a little projecton of my past self in his writings, one of those two that is to say

And it reminded me of Wiktoria…

Chaos reigns…

Self