Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.
I am in a difficult phase: Transition.
I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.
I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.
Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.
I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.
I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.
So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.
I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.
I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.
I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.
Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.
So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.
As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…
So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.
Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.
The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…
I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but
I am the unworthy…