I am the Unworthy

Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.

I am in a difficult phase: Transition.

I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.

I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.

Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.

I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.

I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.

So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.

Alone.

I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.

I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.

I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.

Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.

So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.

As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…

So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.

Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.

The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…

I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but

I am the unworthy…

Self

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Excerpts taken from my diary

[…] combined with a strong magick which i am vulnerable to: The aura or charm of some human spirits. The ectoplasm is leaking off their stare. From the way they levitate on Earth, i, often, find myself captured, and even, against my will, running toward such an abyss…

Something which holds the key to my destruction.

The gates of Eternal Fire are cracking…

The sound of chains and snakes is overwhelming.

Pain.

Suffering is what awaits such a tormented conscience.

Welcome to the Kingdom Of Hell.

Self

Three Decades on Earth

My flesh vessel has turned three decades today.

Sometimes i wonder about the holy mountain which will set me free from this existence. And sometimes i feel an ease as if everything is fine.

What did you learn living thirty years on this planet?

Plenty of mystery when you look deep into things… The cosmos.

Plenty of beauty in nature. A very peculiar design of little beings.

The human brain is a very unique host and machine of intelligence.

What can not be understood about human life remains after death and before birth.

What about your experience of intimacy?

He stayed silent … too long… If only the question was not brought forward…

Self

READ THIS DISCLAIMER FIRST

CHECK FIRST THE DISCLAIMER ON THE LINK BELOW

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

NOW THAT YOU ARE READING THIS IT MEANS YOU HAVE CHECKED THE EARLIER DISCLAIMER

EACH READER OF ONE OR MANY ENTRIES OF THIS WORDPRESS BLOG ASSUMES ALL RESPONSIBILITY AND RISK FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL OR EMOTIONAL DIGESTION WHICH WOULD RESULT IN HARMFUL BEHAVIOR, ACTS OR THOUGHTS. DIGESTION MIGHT BE A RESULT OF A WEAK HYPER SENSITIVE EGOISTIC SELF.

THE AUTHOR OF PERPLEXEDTHIRDEYE DOES NOT ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO SELF HARM NOR ANY KIND OF ANTISOCIAL ACT NOR HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT WE LIVE IN. ANY ACT WHICH MIGHT BE THE RESULT OF BEING INFLUENCED BY THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG WOULD BE CONSIDERED IGNORANT BEHAVIOR AND WOULD BE JUDGED LEGALLY BY LOCAL AUTHORITIES UNDER THE RULES OF THE SOCIALLY AGREED UPON LAWS.

CONSIDER WHAT WILL FOLLOW A WORK OF FICTION. SOME KIND OF PROJECTION OF A SUBCONSCIOUS ARCHETYPE. SOME WHERE, SOME TIME, SPACELESS, TIMELESS…

 

SELF

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

With heartfelt sadness I inform herein the few readers of this blog that a change is going to happen.

I have did my best to censor my antisocial works. Now that this side within me have grown to the extent i cannot let in for any time longer, I will give it air to breath and light to shine.

As far as i know or believe in, each person is responsible for their own actions. I have no right and even no business nor interest in instigating hurting other beings. To visit a healthcare specialist remains your own choice if you are interested in changing the way your mind/brain works.

I am deeply sorry things went this way. I advise emotional readers and others with a rigid moral system to abstain from the upcoming entries. It will mostly contain things which will not interest you (Misogyny, Misanthropy, Extreme Violence, Perverted Sexual Content …).

The upcoming posts are a form of incarnation. Incarnation of my antisocial side into words thus seeing the light of creation.

 

Deviant Self.

Abuse Me

My corpse has been made open for you

I no longer reside within

I am losing my grip on my soul

I am still all seeing

Beyond my shelter, i still can feel

Teared apart, you are a guest

To my inner temple, a destroyer

A slave to my deviant, disintegrated, pathetic, disgusting will

Years, decades, eternities have passed, i am alone, i struggled during this whole past, future time, there has been nothing

Please, take advantage of my corpse

Rape it apart

I might have never existed

I am nothing

 

Self.

Out of the stinking blue

A l o n e W h y s h o u l d i s i l l b r e a t h N o o n e T o L i v e F o r G i r l s I l i k e I g n o r e M e I f O n l y I c o u l d V a n i s h

Somehow i get attracted only to girls who will not consider me as existing. Not unwanted but not existing or invisible.

Somehow my guts like only girls who will not have a similar image as the one i see. Some kind of a hidden foresight. Not unexpected from a self destructive self harming third eye.

I struggle to not become a killer a torturer a kidnapper and yet i dont get much credit for it.

I wrote this while feeling disgusted of my pathetic way of feeling. Very childish and immature.

Self