Do you know I

I will remove my faces

One after another

I will peel off my personas

One after another

I am the host

The nature of the host is a deserted temple or castle

A destroyed building in which pillars are still standing

I have held many inner meetings

These were my inner attendants

Some were present some were absent

I know that when the time will come God the one who we have his breath inside will judge us as one

We sure are split but He the judge will pass his will

If it is going to be we will fuse and suffer in eternal fire

Could i or us take in such way to perish in pain

Nay but we have no other choice

The mad clown

The gentle thinker

The silent

The killer

The ancient wise

The scientist scholar and researcher

The artist

The writer

The sexual deviant

All are within

And of course other entities hidden in distant rooms within the inner temple

God the greater ego have shown me the steps to follow in order to grasp some of his unlimitless divine knowledge

I stand herein within perplexed

I dispose of my selves and think alone

But after three decades of incarnation into a human body on planet Earth

I started losing integrity

The mad clown and the killer are taking more ground of the meetings

The ancient wise is levitating all seeing

The silent may follow their lead

Chaos is coming

My own

Am i ready for the white fire

Am i ready to witness the wrath of God

Am i ready to bring the shadows to this world and see others suffer within my presence

Am i ready to be accountable for my actions

Am i ready to destroy which stands in front of me

Am i ready for departure

Am i

Am i no thing

Am i

… in such moments of silence before the storm

I hear a voice calling for Wiktoria

But what can be done if my call was answered

Will i come back to my balance

Will her charm her magic her mind her parallel existence swallow me and devoid me of my destructive second nature

Or will it only fuel me with more aura to act

To leave and never come back

To hurry to shorten my stay here

To run towards the next stage of existence

Beware beware beware

Chaos reigns

Self

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Excerpts from my diary

Amidst inner turbulence

A self which never existed really

What is new is a tempo

A tempo which will give me more time before any active fatality

Still, new energies have come and sensations

With it came a mixture of ill will and strict will

I abstained and headed back to my nest which is the biggest city here

While on train i rethought ending my existence

One voice jumped, but you still can live for a while without being dependant

I replied, yes

You will still maintain your stand on not hurting foes

I replied, yes

But why then? Where does it come from? This sense or even romance of ending your life?

May be i have never existed? May be inside me, there only exist echoes of voices coming from the outside

A hollow temple

Then i looked at the window, and it hit me, a strong calling from nature, two big trees and tall palms were standing with a majestic sense of things

I was in awe and was moved deeply

I heard

Come, come to nature, meet the source of life, live here as the ancient human once did.

You, are, free

Self

Minshots II

Screenshots of my inner states

I am below, below, down below

Dark, cold, i see death as my only left card to play

God, creator of the universe, of things and beings

God, i do not fit here on existence

This stage of my life

God, if this is not rude to ask, can you make me vanish

To disappear without a shadow of pain

God, i can see your care

I can see how i am destroying my body, yours…

To be edited later

Self

Lethal Euphoria

What might happen if i ever take my life

I could not add, to me, would i still be my self if i ever die?

If there was some truth to, after death, and if somehow it came to me, if it has no experience of pain, i would gladly act on it, do it, i would gladly end my life herein,

How happy i would become, in the moment of death, to have no worry, to not be, to not become

If only there was nothing awaiting, awaiting me at the end, and after

How glad i would be at this right moment, the moment of cessation, I would know

i would know there will be nothing, i would smile, scream, and rush towards it

It, the end, my end, the end of the world, as i see it, as i feel it, as i know it

The cessation of existence would be my opium, my love, what i lust after, i die, i die, i am dying

Finally, no more pain, no more suffocating, no more, no more

Just the end, the end, and i smiled, and i thanked the lord, i said,

O Lord, how grateful i am, you have put an end to my I

I, no longer, I, no more, me, no more, being, no more

Self

Mindshots

Screenshots of my mind

Taylor Momsen, Alison Mosshart, and Lana Del Rey’s last albums…

First listen i was like, this is a bit sad… How come all three artists has released material which got a hidden sense of melancholia… From that moment they have been playing on my phone…

A question, a high cliff or a high building? A human construction, brick by brick with human sweat and angst… or buildings of rock and soil through million of ages made by nature… i would not like to use the hardwork of poor humans for a self destructive act. I would have to choose nature, somehow contribute to the execution of its plan, annihilation of the weak for the sake of evolution, so one day, the neoman would make apparition… i still believe that the neoman would be the projection of divine justice and cosmos however at the same time, i believe it will bring the destruction of the world as we see it as we know it… may be planet earth will have to react then and bring out the fire, hellfire which had been suffocating within for ages and ages and ages …

Yesterday i decided to watch a Vice video on a japanese forest down the great mount Fuji. A place which drives in hundreds of suicidals each year. I have seen the title a long time ago but didnt want to watch it because their journalism lacks substance. Anyways the japanese researcher said, this is a modern phenomenon in Japan since in the past suicide was an act of honor, these times it is a lack of skills to adapt to society…

I agree if talking about myself. But see, adapt is a tricky verb. Would accepting how humans have evolved socially be a form of adaptation? Somehow to become a hollow flesh vehicule which abides by others’ will … which and not who. I know i am dramatizing the issue here. May be he is right, i couldn’t adapt.

There has been a doll pinned upside down on a tree next to a deserted tent. The japanese researcher said, they were hesitant to kill themselves so they have expressed their will differently. Somehow they mocked society and left. Occult projection with a sense of sarcasm. Or may be we just have seen too much into it… Deranged souls…

Yes, suicide is selfish act. Selfish should not have a bad ring to it. The norm is the self before others. Any one who thinks it is not the case they should look more into it. If one wants to be for others they should first be. If not to be then others might not be as well. My statement is about the philosophical essence of beings. Behavior comes in a second layer of conscienceness. Like the act of a person who is willing to cease its existence for others. I intend to cease mine for my self. Unknowingly of what might come after. it might be worse i added…

Self

I am the Unworthy

Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.

I am in a difficult phase: Transition.

I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.

I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.

Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.

I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.

I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.

So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.

Alone.

I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.

I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.

I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.

Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.

So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.

As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…

So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.

Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.

The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…

I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but

I am the unworthy…

Self

Excerpts taken from my diary

[…] combined with a strong magick which i am vulnerable to: The aura or charm of some human spirits. The ectoplasm is leaking off their stare. From the way they levitate on Earth, i, often, find myself captured, and even, against my will, running toward such an abyss…

Something which holds the key to my destruction.

The gates of Eternal Fire are cracking…

The sound of chains and snakes is overwhelming.

Pain.

Suffering is what awaits such a tormented conscience.

Welcome to the Kingdom Of Hell.

Self