Lustful Desires Within Darkness

The resemblance is frightening. i draw this on improvisation. i like to think that i am making links forcefully out of some sort of obsession, that in reality what i ended up drawing doesn’t really resemble her but the problem is the more i see the outcome the more i feel it. some kind of pleasure or lustful nurturing desire, i cant put words around it, but the numbers spoke and they have said 23:23

 

PS: i got that again, a couple of hours ago, it has been a long while i didnt experience it, it was a crushing feeling, as in the movie Bottom Of The World, i feel like I’m being crushed … then next I’m falling thousand feet from the sky… in those moments you feel like the whole universe is imploding and that you are the center, that nothing will make it stop, hopelessness and total despair takes over you… you feel like you are on the verge of disappearing, on the verge of becoming nothing while experiencing unbearable amounts of despair and loss.

Chaos Reigns …

 

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Dreamy Infatuation

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Self

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Eva

i thought about writing a short analysis on how the movie Allure affected me while watching it last time

how i was brought back to a dejavu place, a dejavu person, a dejavu ocean of emotions yet not that vivid in my mind
but i couldn’t
i think i am not able for the moment being to explain what i felt, i am not able to use words to describe so eloquently what happened to me that night

so i will only write a couple of words, phrases, and may be names then attach my first attempt to draw a portrait of Eva

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what is this
what is this
what is this
what is happening
what did you do
why have i done this
why why why did you this
you have made a big mistake
how can i handle this
i cant handle it
i am fucked
i am trapped
i am trapped
i fucked myself
i am so stupid
i am so stupid to think i could just go on with it
i am so stupid
what the fuck
silence
silence
silence
loss
loss
i am hollow
i dont recognize myself anymore
i am scared
what is this
is this another person
here with me
here
a face, a human
how come
i cant handle this
a beating heart, a gentle stare followed with a gentle smile
i cant take this
i cant
i just cant
what is happening
what is this
fuck fuck fuck fuck
i fucked up
if only i didn’t exist
if only
if only i could go back in time and just die
i cant live through this
i cant i cant i cant i cant
i am trapped i am trapped

look at me
dont avoid my stare
what is happening to you

i dont know i dont know
just leave me alone
just leave me
leave me
me
i dont exist
i dont
i
no more

i dont want this
what is this
i hate this i hate this
i escaped my past in order to avoid this
here it is in front of me
i dont like it i dont like it
i hate it i hate it i hate it
fuck it fuck it

scream, scream, scream
screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm
screams yet so silent
silence
darkness
darkness is covering me
i am falling i am falling

it is the middle of the night
it is so cold
i will go out and leave her in bed
i will not wake her up
let’s go
let’s go
let’s go silently to Hell
you know the place
that old building
let’s go there
we cant live on
we cant go through this
and her
what about her
what about her
may be she will slice her wrists anyways, may be even tonight
i feel like she would, i feel like she will
there is no way both of us can live through this intimacy
it is just so dark
so dark so hollow
yet she is an angel
we know she is an angel
she is way out of our league
we cant do it
we shall just leave and die
there is no world for us

hey, where are you going

i feel like the whole universe is closing on me
sorry, i cant make it

do you want me to go with you
lets do it together

Eva _Portrait_1_

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Self

Tribute to a Japanese Mangaka

Rize, the first time i lied my eyes on her i felt a connection deep down my heart or soul, not knowing she was not human, each thing i learned about her while watching Tokyo Ghoul and each time she appeared in the dark corners of Kaneki Ken ‘s tortured mind, i felt something inside me, it hit me hard. Enjoy Rize Washuu before she eats you alive hehe
From the dark world of TG created by the enigmatic and Japanese creator: Sui Ishida
No one knows his face but he made a universe of ghouls and humans in which i have lost myself many times
One of the rarest times i watched a world so dark i couldnt bare the idea of evil wining, not that the protagonists are not evil, but they are evil against a greater and darker evil
so many lives lost in vain, but even so, kaneki with the help of his friends and enemies, they have made it through, i wished though at the end, that kaneki devours what was left of Rize…
Rize by the way was fully evil, hehe i wonder what made her choose that dark path… and yes both her and kaneki are book worms ; )

P.S.: May be she reminds me of someone i knew. I forgot for a while but after i finished drawing her, i was like, what the Hell, is Rize in truth some sort of astral projection of her or of her image in my mind…

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Rize Kamishiro _Portrait_1_

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Self

Cutting Edge

Wicky standing inside the darkest corner of my mind, thin, tall, her serpentine body stands silently while a dark cross is glowing on her pale skin, she bewitched me and couldnt but let my mind cross the borders of decency, each step i make towards sinning a part of my soul and heart gets burned and the more i succumb to her otherworldly charm, i am slowly fading away till i was no longer, i have become a flame, blown away by magick to the nothingness of decay

 

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Cutting Edge: Detail_3

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Self

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Unsent Letters: Dreary Visions Of Life

You have invaded my thoughts lately

In a very strong way

My skeptic mind tells me it is just an obsession

May be my world revolves around you

At this point of my thoughts, I don’t really know

May be this happened because I have isolated my self from the world of humans

I couldn’t relate much to it

But you, your memory, didn’t desert me

It is not like I have a vivid worldly vision of our life together

Sometimes I think, if it ever happened, our reunion, it would be out the borders of space time

I am confused, but the longing for your company lingers in the dark corners of my mind

I don’t know if you are alive or dead, but still, I think about you

You reside in this realm, the unreality that eats away the rigid world I have found myself in

I don’t know if you are still as I remember you, you were not attached to what this world had to offer, if it had offered anything at all,

You lived in your own domain, some kind of paradox in which even the self doesn’t recognize itself, a multitude of stabs in the dark within an infernal presence, may be the root of that alienation, may be it or they are also lost inside you

Sometimes they manifest in mirrors, lurking, grinning, and sometimes speaking loudly, and sometimes you are it, you are them, or may be they are the eye looking for you, may be they are the fire wanting to walk with you, and I do as well

May be you didn’t change at all, may be you are your own second nature, may be you are still there somewhere,

May be I am wrong, may be you have adapted to the world of mortals, may be you have grown out of it, know one thing, I didn’t, I couldn’t, and may be sometimes, I don’t want to, I am still trapped, I want to escape, don’t know exactly where or how, but there is this one mystery, the end that touches every tortured mind, if it is indeed inevitable why not bend the law of time and be first at reaching it, a race against the claws of death

To end it for once and all, I don’t really know

May be I am making no sense

But long story short, if you are alive I would like to see you, eye to eye,

I have already made a plan

It would be a waste to execute it before meeting you

 

Would it be a lie if I told you? I feel like you are the closest one that tried to reach out to me, you were so close some times you have already entered my inner temple, with all these chunks of my leaking astral light which i project into spilled black ink, you were the only one I was able to tell and would listen, you were kind enough to turn your shoulders towards my rotting bones …

 

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Self

Wicky

Trapped in a Dark Corner

Side note: i didn’t care to choose a better wording for what follows, i just wanted to puke my insides on the screen, and to leave them for memory

A rambling before the last conscious breath…

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i am not your suicide ticket
That voice keeps ringing in my ears like a fucking lame outro
Allure
That movie just fucked me up
Couldnt take off her image, her memory from my mind
may be all of this doesn’t amount to anything
a fucking room getting smaller and smaller
till there is no way out
submerged in the fucking darkness
suffocating in the middle of my thoughts
of my future scenes of decay and lament
i am losing my breath and everything else just gets worse and worse
even the meaning of life or existence fades away
not even nothingness
but instead a fucking dark water
falling down
drowning, drowning in the dark and the cold
there is no way out
no way out
and my surroundings are closing on me
my inner temple is not vast anymore
i went inside, i dived in, but all the circles, the fucking rings are closing in
it just sucks
it just is
this pressure, the fucking dream, my fucking ticket to Hell is rotting till there is no meaning to it
a fucking dense atmosphere of frustration, fear and hopelessness
if only i could make it painfully beautiful
painfully dreamy
a high i was intending to ride for the last fall

there is nothing
nothing anymore

may be i am gonna meet her tonight
for a second time in my dreams

if it happens, i wish i will never wake up again

no more light

only the darkness prevails

take my life away
take my soul to the void

let it be me no more

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her blood stopped running towards her fallen right arm

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Self

 

Wicky

Loss and Failure

While you find yourself focused on your own life trying to advance on another path you might come to the conclusion that you have to do it and that you dont have a choice but to be ready and accept the consequences while thinking about one person. You think of your past years and look towards the future trying to challenge yourself and make a change. Something that counts and seems important in this world of humans. While being in this solid shell you forget that the other person might have a totally different perspective. They might have given up that path because of its failing nature and look towards another path which will bring them materialistic gratification which is an individual endeavor in the manner that it is devoid of alien will. May be they are balanced socially. They dont partake in personal isolation, they treat the world of others as one dimensional plane. No room for another since there is another around 24/7. If something happens in that category it might be casual or very short termed. They would go on their life thinking that the only thing they can invest in is what they can take hold of and use without consent since it is devoid of consciousness or sense of self. I dont know what to think of this. May be i am doomed because i still give my self a chance to think of partnership when i and only once took over my anxious self. No room for light. Should i also abort this quest of another… should i focus on another side in which i can expand which is another kind of independent shelter. But i know that i only consider it so i would mate with another. But if it is a lost cause already i dont think i am able to handle others for a short while. Like a writer who would spend a chunk of his life with a person which will leave eventually since their focus was never in companionship but on other affairs. Whenever i find myself thinking this way i cant help but manifest the incel in me, in a manner such as, others are not really into this partnership deal, that only men seek this kind of lifestyle, the voice inside me tells me that they wouldnt care for that or sacrifice things for it, they would be like why do i care, to hell with him and his control freak desires… a man tries to build a home, and women are interested in other things, that somehow they cant comprehend the extreme need in men to find someone … but again i try to reason with myself, and say that it is not a gender issue. It is an individualistic issue each man or woman have their own vision or way of life. And that failure in partnership lies on the people at hand. Might be a question of timing or a deal of attraction. May be life has put the few encounters i had into a dead end from the start. I might be guilty of my own lack of growth. May be i evolved psychologically and emotionally in a way that made the probability of meeting someone compatible to 0. May be if i didnt isolate myself i would have morphed into a different person. Someone who is not me. I guess all of this shows how i didnt adapt to the world of humans. At times it just seems so alien to my nature. Like if an existence on this planet wasnt supposed to be. Some kind of mistake in the system. If only assisted self destruction was a normal thing. That would have been such a resting place for my mind. To join with the void for once and all.

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Self