I am the Unworthy

Strangely enough one of the toughest stages in my personal life came at the same time of my three decades anniversary.

I am in a difficult phase: Transition.

I have quit my five years job and at the same time made some decisions in which i still struggle to keep up with.

I think this is a crucial part in my existence on Earth because there has been a constant monologue which features the questions, what about God’s judgement, to which i reply, i have no choice in God’s judgement, if i will join Hell as the lucid imagery i have seen when i was a kid i will accept it. Moreover the monologue constantly involves self destruction as my last card to play.

Here comes the meaning of the title: unworthy of life on Earth.

I still respect and admire how Bateman wanted to fit in. And how he reminds himself and others that he is in touch with humanity. Bateman, i wanted to let you know, i have failed at them both.

I think i am not in touch with humanity and that i do not fit in nor do i fathom such will.

So most of my days off my previous job i spend it in cafes.

Alone.

I told myself, since the connections i had with four girls were aborted by them, no matter how many times i called or texted they would block me.

I told myself, since whenever i tried to make a new connection with a girl during my thirty years they will abstain.

I told myself, i am a loser. A fuckup. A piece of shit. A no one.

Then i would think, may be i should go with the flow. I had no option really but to go with the flow.

So i spend my time in cafes alone. But today i failed at my project.

As i was tunning to the hundreds of people walking in front of me, and how they all seemed to have a life to partake in, as i was going deeper and deeper a stranger interrupted me: Can i please sit next to you? He seemed so desperate i smiled and said ok even if i wanted to be alone. I accepted because a girl he was tying so hard to connect with bullied him and said, go buy me cigarettes, she repeated the phrase, i believe because she knew she was overpowering him mentally. He cracked. She enjoyed it and laughed. I was not surprised by her behavior. Because from her appearance she seemed of that nature. I did not want the guy to approach me because of three reasons: I wanted to be alone. I dont like the male persona. One of my resolutions is not to let my empathy being used and abused as in my whole life. But i failed. I was again that kind fellow who would listen and listen and listen till the other person would feel at ease. He brought a bottle of alcohol and did not stop drinking in public which is illegal in my country and if ever the authorities saw him i wld go to jail as well. I knew why he was drinking and i saw myself in him. I was like, God, why show me my self in another person? God you know i do not judge him as society does and as the rest of people in the cafe were giving him threatening stares. God, i understand him, and his drunk talk shows he is also aware of his situation with girls. God…

So the guy left after he finished his bottle while trying to call and talk to other girls he knew on the phone but hung up on him.

Why God has sent me this guy? I dont really know.

The only thing of an importance to me was, why i am still that guy who others would approach easily and talk to…

I dont want my empathy to be used and abused. I failed at becoming what i wanted to become. I want to be alone… but

I am the unworthy…

Self

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Excerpts taken from my diary

[…] combined with a strong magick which i am vulnerable to: The aura or charm of some human spirits. The ectoplasm is leaking off their stare. From the way they levitate on Earth, i, often, find myself captured, and even, against my will, running toward such an abyss…

Something which holds the key to my destruction.

The gates of Eternal Fire are cracking…

The sound of chains and snakes is overwhelming.

Pain.

Suffering is what awaits such a tormented conscience.

Welcome to the Kingdom Of Hell.

Self

Three Decades on Earth

My flesh vessel has turned three decades today.

Sometimes i wonder about the holy mountain which will set me free from this existence. And sometimes i feel an ease as if everything is fine.

What did you learn living thirty years on this planet?

Plenty of mystery when you look deep into things… The cosmos.

Plenty of beauty in nature. A very peculiar design of little beings.

The human brain is a very unique host and machine of intelligence.

What can not be understood about human life remains after death and before birth.

What about your experience of intimacy?

He stayed silent … too long… If only the question was not brought forward…

Self

DELIRIUM II

READ THIS DISCLAIMER FIRST

FIRST PART: DELIRIUM

While thinking about how pathetic this scenery has become i crushed her little skull with one punch downward.

I took then my flight to another city, where resides another girl which ignores totally my existence. I know where she studies, i have visited her university before, and the place seems perfect for an abduction because all what surrounds is the middle of nowhere.

After a little stalking spree i knew her schedule, i waited for her to come to the class, i wanted to take her before starting her class in order for her to know that i am serious. Till now i do not know if she will approve of me being there but i have a feeling that it might work out.

First i greeted her like nothing happened, like if i was not upset that she continues to stop answering my calls or ignoring my texts. Then i told her i have something for you, she replies, no i have class, i really have to go, i tell her again do not worry, it is just a book i want to give you, it is in the car, follow me.

Now that she is in my car i drive a bit into nowhere, not that far away, even if she goes out i will drive her in by force. Now that we are away from people, i say:

Do you think you are smart?

She does not reply, i anticipate and ask, why did you hang up on me many times, was it out of respect?

She creates a set of stories since she is an amateur writer as myself, i stop her and say,

There is something else you are not telling me,

Hear this for a second,

I think i said or did something which upset you but you did not tell me about it, i do not have a problem with that, what is a problem for me, is why do you allow so much humiliation and physical abuse from your parents, siblings, and other family members, even strangers, but when it comes to me, you get so upset and ignore me, why don’t you at least talk about it. I have the feeling that i mean nothing to you, or that somehow you think i should be punished or something.

I remain silent for a while, then she replies, if you wanna kill me kill me. I do not care, and you know how many times i tried to kill myself before, so if you wanna do it do it, i have had enough of this existence anyways.

Here, i felt strange, very strange, it is like if life is funny or something, this is what i thought inside of me, i was like,

Fate, is this irony, are you being sarcastic, why is this happening?

This girl is one of the girls i think know the most things about me, this girl, i have spoken with for tens and tens of hours, and have written hundreds to thousands of lines to each other. This girl was the most supportive non judging emotional supporter and uplifting girl i ever knew.

Why should she die now? why should my inferiority complex and low self esteem be involved in this, to remove her from this shared world?

Now i feel a great deal of energy flowing within me, i am starting to feel her energy change from purple to black, with a very great sexual energy but this time more threatening, dominating, and  abusive as it would feel like during rape.

All of this seems so intense and it sickens me… to death.

While she continues to stare right into my hazel eyes with her black pitch dark eyes, it is happening again.

The great hollow is growing inside me, sucking every bit of energy in, it is growing while my dark energy is growing while at the same time the black hole is absorbing hers. The abyss is forming, some kind of portal, to a darker existence, the black sea may be… Or the seventh earth… some sort of a district within the kingdom of Hell

I know i am spiritually very weak, i dont have the strength of lord Voldemort when it comes to dark matter, nor do i have the determination and calmness of Chrollo while being faced with bigger threats. I am very weak spiritually, which means in other words i can’t deal with a great flow of alien energies would it be within or without. Nor can i handle my own ever changing flow.

In the middle of this inner uproar i got a grip of myself, i am now in the here and the now, again, she still stares into my eyes with that provocative stare, now a grin appeared on her lips, in that moment, i just hit her violently, like with the previous girl, i hit her right in the face, then i stepped on her very skinny and small body, i wanted to rape her then i abstained because i hate such imagery, to see the beast within unfold. I took her in, while she is breathing with difficulty and coughing blood like a dying dog, i took her to a wild deserted beach and throw her. I made sure of her death and left. The sea will remove all evidence of my identity.

I am driving now to another city, a city far away to the north of this country. To face another twin flame which behaved very rudely and made of me an invisible non existing piece of shit.

While writing all of this, i get more sense of my self, that i am a deranged delusional pathetic low being. Some kind of a failed human project, a weak prototype, which should abide by the laws of nature, the weaker should be extinguished. In order for the evolution of the human being to develop into the super human or neoman. By the way, weak little innocent very adorable animals get crushed by their parents or by other members of the tribe or pack, or by harsh environment, predators included. A mother which gives birth to many spiders might be eaten by her offspring, a sacrifice of the weak and the giver of life in order for a generation to elevate and mix in with the holy shared existence. The creation of the one architect, the divine.

Deviant Self

P. S.: Electrons still play around Atoms, Microbes still a part of this ecosystem which is the human body, planets still revolve around stars, and comets travelling within this vast unknown dark universe, what are we to self judge, what are we to make laws, what are we to discriminate, what are we to govern, what are we… Macbeth and Hamlet are still leading an eternal life, the maker died long ago but his creations are some sort of magick, to which i have connected with, even without understanding perfectly archaic english, something else is here, something out of our grasp, yet i am afraid to take my own life…

SELF

 

READ THIS DISCLAIMER FIRST

CHECK FIRST THE DISCLAIMER ON THE LINK BELOW

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

NOW THAT YOU ARE READING THIS IT MEANS YOU HAVE CHECKED THE EARLIER DISCLAIMER

EACH READER OF ONE OR MANY ENTRIES OF THIS WORDPRESS BLOG ASSUMES ALL RESPONSIBILITY AND RISK FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL OR EMOTIONAL DIGESTION WHICH WOULD RESULT IN HARMFUL BEHAVIOR, ACTS OR THOUGHTS. DIGESTION MIGHT BE A RESULT OF A WEAK HYPER SENSITIVE EGOISTIC SELF.

THE AUTHOR OF PERPLEXEDTHIRDEYE DOES NOT ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO SELF HARM NOR ANY KIND OF ANTISOCIAL ACT NOR HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT WE LIVE IN. ANY ACT WHICH MIGHT BE THE RESULT OF BEING INFLUENCED BY THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG WOULD BE CONSIDERED IGNORANT BEHAVIOR AND WOULD BE JUDGED LEGALLY BY LOCAL AUTHORITIES UNDER THE RULES OF THE SOCIALLY AGREED UPON LAWS.

CONSIDER WHAT WILL FOLLOW A WORK OF FICTION. SOME KIND OF PROJECTION OF A SUBCONSCIOUS ARCHETYPE. SOME WHERE, SOME TIME, SPACELESS, TIMELESS…

 

SELF

DELIRIUM

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

Today, while inside my cubical, a cubic room i suppose, i was thinking about kidnapping my Ex. I do not even know if it is correct to call her my ex, since we only kissed and touched but surely i was madly in love with her. It didn’t last long, only few weeks i suppose. Or less.

After my little pathetic stalking spree and as far as i can pretend and lie to myself that i know what is happening, i guess she is leading what people would call a family life. Working more than 8 hours a day and coming back home and fill her eyes with her family members, stories and visions. Somehow i guess she is deluded by that kind of thing. I do not think i can pretend the contrary for myself. I am suggesting that i feel such a loser to the point i project my thoughts and conspiracy theories on the concept of family, another social propaganda which i am willing to write about in the coming future, some kind of short analysis of this dilemma and yet people criticize the scifi stories about farming people. A workflow in which people are feeded and used. I see no difference on how humans have socially reproduced in the time being.

So i thought, if i took my car i would have to pass through the authorities’ lines, you know, whenever you enter or leave a city or town. Then i thought i should make her asleep using a substance, but then i might be unlucky enough to be asked to give out her id then they would know she is not my sister as i have pretended; In my country you are not allowed to take someone from the opposite sex who is not a member of your family in a car unless you find a good story about it. I know how fate treats me so i might fail then my whole plan would be fucked.

So i thought, why not kidnap her and stay within her city, emm, we have many watchers here in our country. They usually cooperate with authorities or organized crime. I was thinking to put her in a car by force since she will resent me thus not allow me to take her in. There is another plan, which is to cooperate with other guys, but i don’t trust humans when they are gathered only by means of money, i am a very skinny guy i wouldn’t know how to keep up a fight and i don’t want to stab people i have no interest to stab. I also wouldn’t like the guys who will help me to rape my ex.

So i have not much choice left; i spent the rest of the day thinking how pathetic i am or i have become.

I also thought about the best case scenario: Now she is inside my cubical.

I was terrified by the idea that she will find a good timing and kill herself, i am sure after what i intend to do to her she won’t have a second thought.

What do you intend to do to your ex if your plan succeeded?

– I would cut her ties with the outside world.

She will only see or watch what i watch, which is mostly alien content. I mean by alien not related to the culture here.

After a certain amount of time, the right amount which will make her in a certain mind state she will come back to the mind state in which she was when we first knew each other. Her mind state then was: she felt alienated to the concept of family, she was not interested in this world as it is, and what is more important i guess she was able to see a glimpse of my dark light which is very rare because i have always felt invisible around girls; almost as a ghost.

The problem i would have to deal with now is the idea or the image she has of her long term exboyfriend, long term like more than 5 years of her history, apparently her first and only love as she stated a couple of times.

I do not have a problem with her desire nor obsession. i just do not like the way he treated her, to put her down every now and then while maintaining other abusive patterns.

The problem is he will always have that place within her mind, i mean some sort of alpha male as they call it nowadays. So i thought about tying her, and taping her mouth and leaving my place for a hunting spree. I will find him then find a way to behead him. I will put his head inside a bag and bring it with me, all along the way home.

I can see myself now while outside of my car, on my way to the doorway. I can see cats following me; A very cute little cat, after smelling blood within my bag, wanting to take a taste of it.

I have decided to carry the little cat with me along with my ex’s ex’s cut head.

Now i am in.

I throw that head of his on my ex’s lap and release the cat.

Now that my ex knows her dreams about marrying that guys can’t come true in real life she is really cut from the rest of the world.

I kidnapped her because i feel so alone these days, i left my five years job recently and i know at some point i wouldn’t have enough money then i would have to take some sort of action to end my stay on this planet. I was saying i only kidnapped her in order to live with her, i have never touched a hair of hers while she is with me tied in this cubical, you know, i brought her food and stuff. i do not intend to abuse her sexually nor physically because i am not that kind of a guy. But the thing is, after she will see that bloody head on her lap i am sure she will have no reason to live any longer since i mean nothing to her. Which is my very scary nightmare. To witness her stopping breathing or carry on any suicidal act… i would be like, if only i let her be.

If only i let her be without the idea of such a loser, childish, immature, pathetic me.

Deviant Self

P.S.: Wiktoria, i think a lot about you recently, i was thinking about coming to Poland and look for you, but i am sure having no place to go to there with the coming winter i would freeze to death in your town/city. Now that i am thinking about it, the idea of me freezing to death in Poland looking for Wiktoria the girl i have never met face to face in my life sounds very romantic…

DISCLAIMER BY MY DEVIANT SELF

With heartfelt sadness I inform herein the few readers of this blog that a change is going to happen.

I have did my best to censor my antisocial works. Now that this side within me have grown to the extent i cannot let in for any time longer, I will give it air to breath and light to shine.

As far as i know or believe in, each person is responsible for their own actions. I have no right and even no business nor interest in instigating hurting other beings. To visit a healthcare specialist remains your own choice if you are interested in changing the way your mind/brain works.

I am deeply sorry things went this way. I advise emotional readers and others with a rigid moral system to abstain from the upcoming entries. It will mostly contain things which will not interest you (Misogyny, Misanthropy, Extreme Violence, Perverted Sexual Content …).

The upcoming posts are a form of incarnation. Incarnation of my antisocial side into words thus seeing the light of creation.

 

Deviant Self.