Diaries of a Wimp, Entry2

Side Note : i hate sharing this side of my persona

.

I had to make a […]

I was so insecure

I couldnt do it

I walked a long distance

Saw the place bypassed it

Came back and told myself

It is ok to not be able to do it

Social anxiety or fear of not being able to handle a pathetic situation in which i should harden my tone while my face would show signs of insecurity and lack of confidence

I was told many times how my facial expression showed signs of fear while i wasnt aware of it. Then i thought, if my face displays motions of my unconscious how about when i am conscious of my awkwardness and doing my best to hide it. In this case i suppose i wouldnt be able to play the game. It will make things difficult for me.

Last time i couldnt say hi or welcome

It was so awkward to me

I hated myself in that moment because i couldnt use the greeting words i am used to use for fear it would come across as a weird thing to say

Anyways this time. First shop was closed, second same thing.

For the last one, there was many […] people i just couldnt do it

Before i didnt have the confidence because it was

[…]

but still couldnt deal with the situation

[…]

I dont know

Tomorrow i will find another shop

We will see how i am gonna behave

But it doesnt make sense

Why i cant do it now

Why tomorrow should be welcoming?

May because i have been in the same shop brand so i know a bit how its gonna be

Emm may be this is like approaching girls

Sometime you feel like you cant do it

And sometimes it just is easy

Ah yes today there was this tall girl

Who looks a bit masculine but in a beautiful way

You can say a bit of two people i know

I looked at her

And while she was talking to me

I felt a bit intimidated by her height and how she was talking to me

She was younger than me

For an instant i was taken by her aura and i submitted to her energy

I felt a weird high somehow sexual somehow weirdly spiritual

It was magickal

Then i murmured some words said an insecure thank you and walked away like a fucking wimp

She managed the conversation very well though

.

I hate my self as well

You fucking wimp

.

Self

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Diaries of a Wimp, Entry1

Only the lord knows how much hatred i have for them

Those arrogant talkheads talking so loud

They think they are smart they are very young without any experience of real hardship in life

All the things in life were given to them by men and family

They continue talking loudly

Bitch

Shut the fuck up and be modest

You are just a little smartass

Stop talking to your mom with that tone

Either be with her or leave her

In either case stop talking so loud

Bitch

I bet she found a good paying job right away after getting a good diploma allowing her to boss around people older than her wimp father

Someone who didnt beat her enough to know how to behave with respect and dignity

Only god knows how i hate them

Dont get me wrong she is attractive and well dressed

But i just hate them how cocky how arrogant talking to her mom with a second language.

Someone needs to slap that bitch in the face and teach her some manners. For god sake how did i find myself in this situation

Once she urged her mom to go out. I waited till they were both outside to steal a look at her since i wasnt looking when i sat in front of her

The thing is her eyes were scouting my location till both our stares met. I was in shock since i didnt expect a vulnerable expression i felt a weird beautiful connection like if i was looking at a girl i know like if i was looking at myself. She had skinny legs as well… wearing black fake leather

In that moment i suppose my heart was taken over by her gentle stare

I thought then, it is true that when i visit my mom and talk to her i use a patronizing tone… so strange

Somehow we unleash our anger at our mothers because they greet us with kindness

May be we are so fucked up we lack respect and feel entitled to it

Because mothers care while we hate ourselves and somehow we have only anger and frustration to express

I hate my self as well

You fucking wimp

Self

Rivers of Darkness

[…]

That word, interest is a vague word
But it serves its purpose
That is to fill out any vacuum for meaning

Can it get any worse
I had to remind my self
Just do not mind that it hurts

I gotta try
Even if i hold no clear vision in my mind

When are we gonna scout that tall building
Man i do not know
I dont even know if i have the balls

I was saying
Just try your luck or your lack of luck

I dont know man
I dont really know

Rivers of darkness
I feel like i am burning
When you are in my mind

Sometimes i tap into a plethora of flows
I feel resurrected, transmuted
Light and ready to jump in
So impossible to believe its own occurrence
May be it is a high
And as any other kind of high
There is a low

Fall, fall down to the pits of Hell
You lame creature
Go down and meet fire
Burn and cry out my name for help
Pray to me to lessen your suffering

Nay i say and death to you
You immortal being
You are not a god
Not to me

Non Serviam
I shall govern my own demise
I,I alone

Hail Satan
Self

Paris in Flames – Dec 2018 – Part 2

The french prime minister just spoke today publicly, 4th December 2018, i was astonished and surprised how the french authority’s tone changed dramatically during his speech. It changed from authoritarian to very sympathetic and empathetic not only to middle and low class but also to law enforcement who spent most than three weeks working in shifts against the people of France, their families and friends, and who showed brutality against unarmed protesters due to extreme stress i would assume. The minister in charge have read a long letter to the french people, in which he suspended the high taxes plan during scheduled national debates which will take place in three weeks and to which will conclude into what should be executed or altered.

I am not a french citizen so i do not consider the thought i am willing to share here a valid representation of what a french GiletJaune should think but i intend to share it nevertheless. Some of the context to my thoughts is that France conquered the lands of my country in the past, now they are strong geopolitical partners and try their best to keep it that way. I have acquainted french people in my previous jobs as clients, coworkers and bosses, and also in academia as teachers, plus their culture has a strong influence in our local modern culture.

In my previous post i have shown a strong thought to an anarchist strike in France, but i only did that because of how authoritarian the upper hierarchy have become. You really have to be close to the french culture to understand how arrogant they sound like, to have them now show a white flag is really unexpected and to which i strongly advice that all violence should be aborted during GiletsJaunes Act4 expected this Saturday. I say if you still want your government to gave you more rights, protest without violence and wait until the end of national debates and see what they will conclude. If they keep their word you have no right to hold the logistic shutdown you have maintained in all the country. In the other case, if your government stabs you in the back, i have nothing to tell you because you have already shown a great strength and persistance i have never seen in a major economic country, i mean i have ideas on how you will behave in that case.

My writings on politics are not really in depth and i may have not paid attention to some major points. What i write under activism is mainly based on my temperament.

If you were fighting an evil force who somehow have maintained order, and in the middle of the fight they showed you bare hands, i say by respect and honor to your own dignity back down while keeping your strength at full energy, ready to counter attack if they show themselves treasonous.

 

Good luck to the french people, and to all communities over the world doing their best to live an honorable life.

 

Self

 

Drawing by me attached, titled Angry French King

Angry French King

Paris in Flames – Dec 2018

The following is a short thought i wanted to share concerning the uproar during last November which might continue for a while during December 2018 in Paris France and other major french cities. Similar thing happened in Bruxelles capital of Belgium.

I might write a political analysis of the tense situation in France and Europe in an upcoming post.

It is sad to see what happened in Paris but what makes me more angry is how the media would it be TV or Newspapers focus on the consequences of the riots rather than analyzing the cause, which is how governments enslave people…

They will construct a narrative based on the evil doings of one side and not looking at the other side which is politicians enriching themselves and having more control over the masses, the narrative of the media will brainwash french people into accepting high taxes… best of luck to the weak and poor.

Watching live feeds of the Paris protests and some videos on the censored part of the internet i thought i was watching FSOCIETY from MrRobot taking over Paris. Seriously, chaos should reign over all the world so the anarchy will take over, then humanity will witness a true post apocalypse. Hell shall raise on the planet, at least for a change of the status quo: a lame old story repeating itself through out the history of humanity which is the enslavement of peasants and workers by the upper hierarchies would it be religious orders or secular governments.

Hereby are links to videos i made on my channel which might get banned but i do not really care, i just wanted to share the spirit of french people who have a tremendous courage, a courage i dont have nor have i seen in my third world country.

La France, pays de liberté dans l’histoire de l’Europe, chapeau aux français et courage au reste du monde

Self

Is she breathing

And so i did

I traveled overseas

This is the first time i set foot on this land

I will stay here for a couple of days

I will look for her

I might find her, if she is alive

I am not sure of what i am gonna see

I will look her right in the eyes

That way she will know it is not me

For i do not stare into the eyes of humans

Or may be that is me, the one

I am the one, i am no longer the host

I knew you will find me, but i am no longer the one you talked to in the past

Who are you

She stopped talking

It is you, isnt it

Our hour has finally come, follow me

I followed her steps, we are leaving the buildings

She is making her way into the forest

I followed her while feeling an extreme anger inside me

I have lost the initiative, she got the lead now or whatever has spoken to me

While walking slowly on the snow, i didnt look up to the sky

There is no sky, only heavy and dark black clouds

We continue walking while the woods are getting denser and denser

She stopped and didnt turn around

I had to face her, now i am only watching

The one stepped ahead, i cant hear their conversation

But i hear her voice

I am no longer in my body, why did you come look for me

I dont know why, may be i just had enough of life

What made you come, did you hear my voice before

No, only now. What are they talking about ?

I have no clue, but do you remember what i told you about him

Yes even though you didnt tell me much but i somehow know

What do you know?

Nothing… i mean, what s gonna happen now?

Tell me about the one

The one… emm i tried my best to give him green light to handle things for me

Why?

I was in a spiral, not downward… though he told me it should have been the case … he said, it should have been the case from a long time ago

So

So what …

Tell me, how did you recognize him

Your eyes have grown bigger and you smiled in the middle of the conversation

What have i told you in the past about him?

That you were aware of his presence

What about yours

I dont know if i can hold him here for more time

Tef, listen, things might get ugly, i dont want to live with your memory slaughtered here like a pig

But i want to Wiki, that is what i have always wanted… if i cant slice your throat, you better take my head off my body first

Finally i can leave

Finally i can

Finally

Hail Satan

Self

ASG – Episode 1

A group of experts in multiple fields have dedicated their lives to be part of ASG. Each one of them has their own reason behind joining and creating this initiative. However one thing is sure, their team work is without deceit.

ASG stands for assisted suicide group.

The international community has declared their attempt in organizing illegal thus they were outcasted by any means necessary. Their cause to assist in the self destruction of their customers at their own will was something that the majority couldnt comprehend let alone allow.

The controversy deemed the group to sink into the dark alleys of the black market since it was a profit organization yet they needed a place of their own. The group was sickened by the ongoing pressure and the multitude of threats by gangs and corrupt politicians which led them to having to relocate each time they had to which affected the consistency of their business and by then their monetary gain.

ASG members come from different paths in life and their knowledge covered mostly technical fields, we can cite, chemistry, anatomy of the human body, neuroscience, biology, gravity, butchery, gun expertise, and also human science such as psychology, hypnosis, philosophy, and anthropology. The group had a business and communication branch, and of course an intelligence branch. Their number was in between 50 and 100. At some point they would hire part time workers especially hitmen so they can keep themselves under secrecy and in control of their own business without any external influence.

Manus had to find a solution to the daily blackmail ASG was suffering from and which may lead to their own annihilation on a business standpoint which is bankruptcy without a doubt.

Lilith came in and found Manus very confused, not being able to finish his cup of coffee thing he always do. She asked,

What’s troubling you?

I think i might know someone who can help us but i am not sure if i can believe him.

So you have already talked to them. On what matter you doubt their proposal?

Well it is about Antarctica. Apparently there is a place there we can travel to and set up our business for a long term plan. To my knowledge no modern man has set foot there. And it doesn’t show even in the maps shared on the public archive. The person i consulted has in possession maps of the area and weather data, it appears not hostile to our usual activities. In other words climate friendly.

How much are they asking for the exchange of intelligence?

Well as you have already predicted, it is a huge amount of cash.

Manus, this might be our last chance, looks like the heavens are on our side, not only the black market is envious and is on our track on a daily basis but also the international community, human right activists and multiple religious orders. They are doing anything possible to shut us down.

Yeah exactly, but again i dont know if i can trust the guy.

Dont worry, i have in mind someone who can help us. Lets go see Plato, he is in the neighborhood. Not only that i trust him but i have already asked for his help in multiple affairs related to our duties in ASG and if i can still remember he told me one night about some polar expeditions he was member of. He told me that secret meteorological patterns existed which scientists counldnt explain nor did they share with the public. Somehow those exceptions in environment allowed the possibility of life in hostile surroundings.

At their surprise once they talked to Plato every thing seemed in order to fit the narrative of the consultant. Not only that but Plato has been already there on a part time contract with ASG.

This happened when Plato had a deal with some members of the US military to assist in their suicide, in return he asked them to help him in leading an expedition to unexplored parts of the antarctics. He needed their knowledge and most importantly a security clearance to go beyond the UN borders.

Lilith can you please sign Plato for another contract with us. And also ask the communication branch to approach the deep state in order to organize all the resources we will need to start our journey. From ships which will carry the material we need to build a base there, boat planes, ice breakers, and an authorization to cross the ocean to Antarctica, fill in scientific research as motive. And of course we will need a security clearance to go over the UN borders. I will communicate our plans to the rest of leadership.

In the next episodes, the online interface of ASG in the dark web will announce a short hiatus in offering their services which will drive some self destructive people insane, they will fall in the dark pits of Hell losing any hope of seeking their dream to leave this existence thing they couldnt accomplish alone. Also there will be mention of what lies beyond the ice walls of Antarctica, will ASG really be able to sustain their existence and business there, you might think humans are the only intelligent species on the planet but what goes around comes around.

To be continued.

Self