I do not want to wake up any time soon.
If only i slept and never had to wake up.
Getting out of my cell is getting harder each day to the point i started thinking about taking a vacation. A vacation so i wont have to leave the door of my apartment. A vacation so i wont have to walk by other humans. A vacation so i wont have to say hi and shake people’s hands at work. A vacation so i wont have to feel like there is another way of being. That is being outside. Outside means there is no wall to limit your entourage. Outside means the possibility of having to see or be seen by other humans.
There are a lot of them. millions and more. And somehow they manage to say I. I just cannot figure out how this is possible. This multitude of beings. Sometimes i think it is just an illusion.
Life outside my skull does not exist.
I am usually confused when it comes to social exposure. I guess that is why my intimate relationships have affected me in a very deep way. I have let it happen because i wanted to know how much i can endure. How much suffering i could take. Somehow inside, i told myself: Do not worry we will survive it. I do not know exactly how but we will. We will find a way. We will make it through.
I find it very strange that life exists elsewhere than in me.
I just can not get in touch with the idea of family. I cannot imagine myself being a father. Telling my son or daughter that your life is not really related to me. To tell them that the concept of creation even if it seems biological it is not. To tell them that i am somehow, not responsible for the ache they experience and will experience. I cannot imagine that my son or daughter telling me, why did you bring me to life, what is this thing called life ? and then i would just stare at them and hate myself more. They will see that their own father is immature and does not have an answer to their existential crisis. I might tell them about my family’s belief. But then faith is hard work. It takes somehow a sane person to work on it. It is just another thing, another hard thing in this life. To believe.
I still remember. One of the very unique experiences i have had. I was sitting with someone. And somehow while talking i felt a very dark void, a very faithless mind state. I felt like together i would not have the power to overcome such a negative state of mind. It felt like a black hole was inside me and that i was about to implode. It was so hard to tell myself it is okay. Even if the future seems so dark right now, we will make it. i did not know how, but i told myself i ll do my best. I was lucky she did not ask me that question. I am sure if she did she would feel how desperate i was in that moment. It was a one of a kind dark inner experience for me. Now i tell myself if ever i was so close to someone, i have to avoid bringing those dark conversations. Opening to each other and telling her stuff i do not recall i told someone face to face before was just so draining. I never thought it would suck all my energy without feeling it would in the first place.
It hides under skin and waits and waits, for the perfect timing to crush you. To crush you down till there is nothing much left of you.
I just thought, after, even if i think i have experience with all these years on this planet, darkness never ends. And it never fades. Even if i have witnessed death a couple of times, the experience of darkness will grow to a point you wont be able to deal with it.
Darkness when alone makes you lose your breath. Darkness together annihilate all dreams and any hope of goodness. It grows and grows. It just grows and suffocates any particle of light.
That is all there is to it.
Burry me deep. Deeper and deeper. Burry me deeper than 60 feet. Burry me very deep because i do not want to wake up any time soon.