alright, i will write down some sides of me that i have noticed taking part of my life step by step till it become a real struggle to keep up with, anyways what i do most of the time, or what i try to do is just ignore it, but it may become an issue if not taken into consideration. i will try to note the ones i have in my mind right now, i might forget some.
i must clarify that most of my notes are a way to keep track of my past versions, versions of the self. this was first published on my facebook account, so part 1 is shared there too.
Aging and populating the planet
aging is weird, i am really not conscious about it, apart from doing or living the same shit every now and then, every night and day. yeah i know, i should be thankful. i feel like i am always me, and i wonder if i will feel the same after 20 years. is this really what people call life ? how can i partake in giving birth, how can i answer my kids if asked: “why did you take the decision to bring me in this life ?”
Isolation and facing other humans
when i spend too much time alone, i kind of forget the meaning of real life human interaction, or just the idea of being seen by other humans, and being the object of their judgments. i find it hard to be in an open space with many humans, i often have the feeling of being watched, or in a closed space with few humans, i often feel discomfort, so what i do is struggle to adapt to this new or i should rather say forgotten environment.
oh only God knows how i hate this, racing thoughts make me crazy, insane and self alienated. They make me write entire scenarios inside my head with details of what really happened or of what might happen. i get this in situations of stress, family drama, stress at work, paranormal mind state, danger, and we can sum what was left under social awkwardness. and yes, sometimes i end up sending a long shitty text to someone close i know, and then regret it the next day, or just say the famous line: ‘what the fuck is this shit that i just sent yesterday night’. yes it happens mostly at night xD
Lusting after a stranger
i always ask myself why do we have the tendency to lust for someone we just saw in a public place, a random road, a train, in a concert, or in a gallery … why do we have the tendency to idealize them, and somehow the idea of emotional craving, or just plain carnal desire become so real and charming. it s just another human experience of life, and with time, getting to know that person, you will realize that it is just the same as any other human interaction, sibling like or just acquaintance like.
Keeping track of time
when i meet someone i know and last time we met was years ago, it s always like we just talked yesterday. sometimes my intimate relations are off time reference.
Luring one’s self that life is two meters length
when i question my beliefs i always forget that we live in a city, in a country, in a continent, in a planet, in a solar system, in a galaxy, in the fuc1ing huge and unknown universe.
when i doubt my beliefs i always forget that i can’t locate my consciousness, and that i am not aware of how my organic body operates, and that i am a couple of billions and billions of atoms and electrons. and that whenever humanity go further, they only get surprised and say:’no, it was not the smallest particle, there is another small particle inside’
To be aware of one’s existence is just tiring, i wonder where do all this people get their motivation, the energy to be out-there ? why their lives seem so meaningful, and so full of purpose.