Inside a circle

Which is closed

Rarely is the time when i feel a blocking of thoughts

May be there is nothing to write about

It is easy in these circumstances

To look for salvation in self destruction

Or destruction in general

Some kind of implosion of ill will

There is nothing

All these I

Make me wonder about life

But i guess i only have to keep this mind state

Till what stops me fades away

I understand the potential or the capacity to go on

I might tap into it

But may be i just want the easy way out

A shortcut, a cheat code for the weight i carry that is to breath

They say or it is written that hell is only what awaits a fate like mine

I am losing, or it has been lost

All what in the past represented a dream

That is any throw of hope or aspiration

Into what it did not happen yet

– What bind others to others or to life made no sense to me

Even if once in the past it did. All i see is as Abyr wrote, a forced pattern of existence.

So then, may be i want to dismiss it

Thus only death appears to be the path to take…



Health the band

What can i say

Where could i start

It has been a long while i didnt write.

May be i am forcing myself now out of inspiration

Ok let s do this, random confessions

– what are you thinking about when you leave four walls and a ceiling?

I look to buildings and think, i would be like, this four floor high roof would be a bad idea for a jump. Listen to me we have to choose a tall one, may be twenty floor high. So once we hit the floor we would be done for good.

The problem here is the belief system i grew in. You can be smart and pretend that there is nothing after we pass out but for me it is very hard to act on it i would always be like i am so afraid of what God would put me through after but sometimes i tell myself i cant change it if i am gonna burn in hell for taking my own life i wouldnt have nothing to do about it. A fatality. A higher will… Sometimes i tell myself i should just wait till i have no other choice left. But the reality of it is a bit frightening especially for an edgy pain sensitive person like me who cannot even go through the smallest tortures…

Today someone wrote to me, why?

I was so surprised of the feeling i got. It felt like some light shed through black clouds, i felt like, may be things will be ok… a relief i would never have expected.

Because everything seems dark and dim of joy. The why bother thing. I was touching myself a lot lately thing i would do my best to do on rare occasion. But then i told myself it is ok since i am in an immense stress lately.

The other day my boss called me to an isolated cubical. She told me it is very possible that the contract would be terminated. I was happy inside. I was like please throw me away like a bag of trash. Please let go of me to the wild animals outside. Please make it easy for me and throw me away. I would …


Call me crazy but i do look at the night sky

Isn’t it strange that at the end of the road or at the edge of the cliff a word from another person might revive us. Words such i am a witch. For just a little while they wld make me in this strange mind state, i am struggling to call it alive but it wld draw a grin on my face. So may be all of these death wishes i carry are only some kind of lame act i am not aware of. Yes words from the other side, some formation of an archetype. Something which feeds my desires.

Dont you think that if one looks deep into things around us, this whole experience, being on this planet being a human, only makes it more complicated to fathom…


punish me

i am stuck at this right moment into choosing between
shutting down my mean for writing
or forcing myself to write
in truth i want to escape but i cant
somehow i have been pinned to day to day life
which is a real drag if you ask me
not a fancy life nor anything alike
but i feel inside me some kind of lock
i just want to flee
yesterday i was able to while watching a very low quality upload but
but a the kind of content i was looking for, for ages
a movie released in 1987, Three Bewildered People in the Night
i am certain most viwers will find it boring
but for me, especially the vocabulary, was poetic, darkly poetic
there were many lines which caught my attention
but i just lost that feeling i had that kind of awe
i want it tonight so i can dive deep down the abyss of the other world
one i flee to in my sleep
it is like if somehow my insides were frozen
some kind of spell
a strong spell expressed as . DO NOT LEAVE REALITY
i might escape
but for how long
for how long i am gonna carry this weight
the weight of me being here
the weight of extreme frustration
you can say i an numb right now which rarely happens
i have always thought numb is just an alien feeling for the human heart
some how it should mean something
may be i am gonna listen to some sad music till i find myself there
that other world again



Spit on me

I dont know

I think that if i was living elsewhere things will be different

Recently i find myself thinking about two persons

I thought, … intimately and since the way my life has become or may be had been always, my thoughts were coupled with some sort of desire… a forced desire. It is like if there is this social personal configuration of things which make it a bit alien to think of them that way… but … i dont know. Sometimes i try to challenge my thoughts by the idea of letting them know that i am thinking about them. But then i would be like it must upset them or may be i am just a low life … or may be i am just a weird guy. Or they wld somehow feel disgusted by just my will to reach out to them. Somehow look down and … and then i thought, if the reality of things might be very far away from my day dreaming then why not find a way to channel this need of another or of them or … into something i would make… some kind of imaginary visualized thing… may be with some human attributes. Or may be just die.

I think i am a fuck up who deserves punishment. And sometimes i think the world should turn into chaos. May be then it might be bearable …


I vomit my own shit

Is it the end

Each night fear tears my psyche apart

It is like if the part wchich wants to die has been taking control behind the curtains of my awareness

But what it doesn’t understand is that i want it when i solely choose it i want it quick for torture is what i cant live with

some people call it panic but i call it the hidden hand of suffering

i would be suffocating and my heart beating fast or slow

sometimes my temperature would rise like if i have become some kind of a bomb full of heat about to implode

And somtimes it would go down like if i am turning into a dead corpse

All of this has been very shitty and pathetic

i am changing each day

may be i wont recognize myself

or may be i have already became a stranger

my own stranger which my nervous system fight each night

isn’t my life shitty already, this is the last thing i need, to be pressured into breathing like a dying dog for hours till sleep wins over this shit

i dont know how i am supposed to present this new color i am leading

i dont know if i am able to choose which hue it should be

i was a bit perplexed to the thought of calling it a life

i dont know anymore if i deserve the grace of God or his wrath

my self is changing and continues to be changing

i am picturing things which if you ask the old me i would be shocked to the kind of answers or desires i would be expressing the need of

i am at this point where… another way to put it, i dont think i am able to live to my dream or what was before my dream

i feel like there is not much to me than a silhouette onto which others would draw cheap pity

isn’t it bad to turn into this person, this kind of disgusting being,

to look into my eyes and only see a weak dying thing

anything i would get it would be out of some kind of weird empathy

yes i changed the way i see her inside my mind

you see, there was this barrier once, of morality or social ground or personal distance and to which degree you are willing to diminish it

i guess being alone for years or may be for my entire life left me no choice but to desire her for the moment being

which complicate things is why i didnt let her in before

was it because she was out of my league

was it because i was simply afraid

may be that is the answer, insecure, but i am sure there are other reasons like distance or things i dont want to admit because somehow it will only bring out that side of me i dont like

that arrogant son of a bitch which i might be the victim as well, i mean from her side, i dont know if she knows that i would not mind her looking down on me, i might enjoy it for a while, i might let myself fade away inside of her

there is much to say which i cant afford to make public which is the whole experience of it being real… may be it will destroy me if i make my way through it, if things happen a certain way and i find myself alone with her somewhere… again

I can feel how frightened i am becoming now but… am i not an already dying thing

i want to die

sorry God



Disclaimers on my blog to be read first


Someone you know someone you spend too much time with someone you… this person will vanish into a bath of blood. I will make it ugly to see. There will be no face for recognition. When it happens, when you will experience the loss please dont ask if it was me. I will leave no track behind. If you ask you might get in trouble as well. Beware

Chaos Reigns

Deviant Self